Sometimes I really feel like I am stuck in a state of "Limbo." I try to convince myself that you are real and you are worth it, and sometimes I feel as if that is the truth, but there's still a significant amount of time that I feel as if that may not be true. I think I make a decent attempt at serving you and pursuing you, but I know I could "do better." But I hate that thought. I feel like that thought only re-opens a wound I've carried for most of my "Christian walk." I need some sort of completely radical change of my understanding of God, Christianity, faith, what a personal relationship is, etc., because if I don't, I don't think I'll make it. I have been relying on habit or my own strength for a lot of this. I can't do that. I have to somehow rely on Him. What does that even mean?!
God, I am not consistent with you. I am not dedicated. I SUCK at this. It kills me that I suck at this. I bury my head in the ground. I do this to myself. Is this as difficult as I make it? Why so? And if it's not like this, how is it? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. And yet, I know I am not supposed to. Oh, the paradox of faith...of God. Who do I cry out to for help? Let the stone-faced walk continue until I grow a pair.
10/17/11
Continued Doubts (Sometime late Aug 2011)
I still have doubts. I don't know if I will ever get rid of them. I am constrained by my desire to be an "intellectual." I want to have control - that's what it really comes down to. I don't believe you, God, and a significant part of me doesn't want to believe you, because then I will have to give up things I don't want to give up. Why are you worth it?
I feel the pressure of marriage. Am I ready?
~~~
How can my prayer life improve?
How can I be more sincere and intentional in my relationship with God?
Less of: "how can I improve?", and more of "how can YOU improve me, God?" or "how can I allow you to improve me?"
Why am I so judgmental? How can you change me God?
How can I be more intentional and disciplined with my relationship with Courtney?
Romantic, creative, spontaneous
~~~
What have I been doing to impress God?
How have I been caught up in finding ways to "earn" His love?
I feel the pressure of marriage. Am I ready?
~~~
How can my prayer life improve?
How can I be more sincere and intentional in my relationship with God?
Less of: "how can I improve?", and more of "how can YOU improve me, God?" or "how can I allow you to improve me?"
Why am I so judgmental? How can you change me God?
How can I be more intentional and disciplined with my relationship with Courtney?
Romantic, creative, spontaneous
~~~
What have I been doing to impress God?
How have I been caught up in finding ways to "earn" His love?
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