I think about life without her, and I know in my head that I will be fine, but my heart can't help but admit I desire nothing more than to be with her. Tension

My attempt to be "creative"

I was like a winter's cold to her, the beautiful flower; I was hindering her inner nature: to bloom for you. Without knowing it, I tried to kill her, and indirectly you, but failed. Thank you for making me fail

Holding on. Self pity

I'm just supposed to forget about you?! Forget about the fact that I have shared my deepest, most intimate being with you for the last 2.5 years of my life? Forget about my closest friend?
How can I possibly be expected to do that?

Journal Entry - 8/11/2010

     I haven't been able to journal as much lately, or at least I haven't chosen to do so.  Sad face.  It does help me to journal.  It gives me a way to keep track of my thoughts/feelings, so that I can better process what I am going through and hopefully grow through/from it.  The student supervisor job is taking a lot of my time during these first two weeks of training.  Plus I have actual desk shifts alongside of training (that is why I am awake now).  Thankfully, because I have a semi-consistent schedule from training, I have been able to discipline myself to get up early in the morning so that I can get some time reading the Bible to start my day.  On that note:  why do I struggle to persuade myself to read the Bible daily, when during or after reading the Bible, I am so encouraged and uplifted?  Why is it a daily struggle for me to open it up when I see the benefits every time?  Is it because it takes thought and effort, and it's just easier to zone out?  I don't understand myself...  I hope to continue to stay disciplined into the school year with getting daily "T in da W."

     I wonder how much time will have to pass until there is a day (or maybe I should start with an hour) that I don't think about MCM and our lost relationship...  Because that is what it's like now.  An hour doesn't pass without something reminding me of her, or me just thinking about her.  Where does the balance lay (lie?...stupid English) between thinking about her, mourning, etc. (which I think is healthy and normal to an extent), and moving on, forgetting about her, or just busying myself so that I don't think about her?  Should I not take time by myself to sulk?  Is it unhealthy to have self-pity at this time?

     Where are you?  How are you doing?  I pray this breakup hasn't been as hard on you, as it has me.  I pray and hope that you are finding support in others, loved ones that you can count on, people that lead you to Christ in ways I obviously couldn't (and still can't).  I pray and hope that news aspects of your relationship with God are being revealed to you, and that you are trusting in Him as your source of life daily and the foundation of your life.  I pray that I can also come around to this someday.  I hope you are happy, amidst all the pain that has occurred for both of us this summer, and will surely continue for some time.  I pray that you can be content in trusting in God for your future, and I pray you can trust God to take care of me too.  I also hope to trust in God for my future.  I pray you get to know each "head" of the Trinity with deep intimacy, dependence, and confidence.  Put your "chips in" on God, not fellow humans.  God can be depended upon, I cannot be.

  How can a limited, imperfect mortal grasp eternal smoke and fire?  Why would said smoke and fire share itself with mortals?  How could a mere mortal possibly enter and then develop a "personal relationship" with smoke and fire?  Oh, limited capacities.....

Journal Entry - 8/6/2010

     How much do I sincerely consider and think about what is best for her?  I am always thinking about MYself, MY pain, MY future, MY struggles.  What about her?  She is going through a lot of pain as well (I mean, I think/hope she is...in a way).  The conclusion that she came to that we were not meant to be (at least for now) was extremely difficult for her.  It has caused and will most likely continue to cause her lots of pain too.  She is acting on what she thinks is right, and what she thinks is God's will.  How do I not respect that, even amidst all the pain?  If I truly love her, I will let her go.  She has chosen what she thinks is best for her, and what she thinks is best for me.  I need to respect that, and love her by letting her go.  If she truly loves me, and we are meant to be, we will get back together in the future.  But if we are not meant to be, then we will not get back together, and it will be best for both of us not to get back together.  I don't know exactly what "meant to be" means, but you get the point.

     There is someone out there for me.  If God has marriage planned in my life, then that special relationship will happen in due time, in God's time.  I have to trust that He has a plan for me in my life relationship wise in general-wise (?), and that that plan is best for me.  My plans fail, and are not best for me.  I have to TRUST.  I have to LET GO.  I need to let go of all my self-pity and dwelling in the past, and embrace the now.  There are plenty of reasons for me to have joy right now, and I need to embrace those and not let them slip by.  God has the burden of planning out my life, not me.  Take the weight off your shoulders.  The burden isn't yours to bear.  Embrace life in the now.





  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you...

   Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
     2 Corinthians 4:8-12,16-18

Journal Entry - 8/5/2010

                I love you, and you say you love me.  I don’t understand.  Why?!  Why can’t I be a part of your life?  I can see that I desire to be with you more than I desire to commune with God.  But how can I change that?  How can I let go of you?  How can I trust in God?  At my deepest I desire you, not God.  You give me hope.  You sustain my heart’s beat.  You are my everything right now...still after our break up.  How can I let go of you?  How can I let go of the hope of being with you?  I LOVE YOU!  It kills me to think of you, to hear about you, to hear from you, and yet be so distant.  How can I move on?  How can I let go?

                I know I am supposed to be pursuing God and making Him my foundation, but the truth is that He isn’t my foundation.  And I don’t know how to “make” Him my foundation.  Where is the balance of “letting go, and letting God” and “making” God my foundation.  God where are you in my life?  Where are you doing work in my life; where are you establishing yourself in my life; where are you changing me?

                I suppose at my core I desire a true, sincere, intimate relationship.  For the last 2.5 years I have been trying to get that from my relationship with MCM.  I have been trying to get this from my relationship with her, because the relationship is tangible.  My relationship with God (if it can be called a relationship) is shadowy, and not consistent at all.  My relationship with her was not that best, I know that.  We were both imperfect beings in an imperfect relationship, but it was much more real to me than my relationship with God has ever been (at least I think that now).  I can look back at the past of my “Christian walk,” and I can recall times where I think God was present, and I think I had a “relationship” with God, but I now I have no idea if I was just convincing myself it was God and just fooling myself into the comfort of Christianity.  So, I have been pursuing a relationship of intimacy, intentionality, and completion with MCM, when I should have been pursuing this relationship with God.  I can say that now, because I know it in my head, but I definitely don’t know it in my heart.  So, I need to pursue God for that completing relationship.  To feel whole.  But I have no idea how to do that, because God is so fridging distant.  Unlike my relationship with God, I could talk to MCM, I could see her, I could feel her, I could relate with her, I could interact with her, etc.  With God, I can talk to Him, I can read His Word....and that’s all I can think of.  How is that a relationship!?  How can I find myself in that?  How can I depend on that?  How can I found my life on that?

                I’ve already said it numerous times, and I’m sure I will say it many more times:  “WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?”

Journal Entry - 8/4/2010

     We text as if we barely know each other.  Our interactions are so limited, only business.  I HATE being so distant from you.  Everything I do, everything I see, and pretty much anything I have reminds me of you.  I think of you constantly.  I wonder how great the possibility is of us getting back together.  I wonder how you are doing, what is going on in your life, how you are coping with all this, how things are with your family, what your future plans are...  I hate not knowing how you are doing.  How am I supposed to just let this go?  I don't understand!!  We were best friends!  Why does it have to be like this?  I can't get you out of my life, out of my head.  Everything remind me of you, and of the pain I (and surely you) are feeling.  I just feel like escaping within myself, blocking out the world.  I don't know if there is anything I desire more than you, and that scares me.  I am supposed to be pursuing God and faith in Him, but I desire you.  I desire God with you.  I suppose this is unhealthy, but what do I know?!        It probably comes back to a control issue.  I want control.  I want to know you, and I want to know about you.  I want to be your "master" in a way.  I want control.  I want my self-made security.  I want assurance of the foundation of my future.  I don't want the unknown.  The unknown is scary.  Or at least I want to discover the unknown with you.  Hand-in-hand, no one leading, and no one following; both of us experiencing life together.  Is that so wrong??       Most likely, from a Christian perspective.  I need to be looking to and depending on God, not another human.  But a lot of times contemporary, typical Christianity frustrate me.  It's so easily accepted without question or thought.  Just follow the crowd, go through the motions, and believe because everyone else does and it's the right thing to do.  I will not go so quietly.  I cannot.  It's against my nature.  I will constantly question, analyze, and process.  I will not accept blindly.  I will pursue truth on my own, and peer as far into the depths as I must.  I know I will not be able to extrapolate or discover all answers to all questions, but I will always pursue answers.  Not to be disciplined to do so...

     I can continue to put on a front, or at least avoid thinking about you and life without you.  But don't be fooled I'm hurting, I feel like I'm already dead inside.  My heart seems to have stopped beating.

     Are you listening?  Are you there?  Where then?  I live out my daily life; am I just completely blind to your presence?  Are you really doing work?  Do you really care?  Why does your seemingly proactive nature completely escape me?  I have been and will most likely continue to pursue you, reach out to you, get angry with you, and question you, but I don't ever seem to get a response.  OPEN MY EYES

The Classic Crime - Salt in the Snow

Give me wings,

Give me peace.

These are the things that I need.

I'm tormented, broken and shamed

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

Give me shelter from the storm,

I know it's a lot to ask for,

Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold

will give way to summer's warmth

Oh no! Like salt in the snow

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

Is this where I am for your sake,

Stuck between sleep and awake?

My mind is dreaming of things.

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

I took you for granted again

And threw you aside

And pretended for one minute that I had control of my life,

And direction it seemed to be in

I was wrong again, (I was wrong again),

are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold

will give way to summer's warmth

Oh no! Like salt in the snow

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

I will wait for you to come again,

And I can't pretend like I'm confident

And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't.

I have heard that winter's cold,

Will give way to summer's warmth.

Oh no! Like salt in the snow,

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

Journal Entry - 8/2/2010

     I feel so discouraged.  I feel lost.  I feel alone.  When I actually take time, sit, and think, all I can be is sad.  I hate being in a constant state of "depression," but at the same time I don't want to be fake.  This "depression" is where I am right now.  I am not happy.  I don't have a lot of hope.  I can avoid thinking about it, and then I'm fine, but I can't avoid thinking about it forever.  I have to process it and work/grow through it.

     It's so hard for me to comprehend.  Is this really how it is going to be?  Is this really how are relationship and friendship ends?  Nothing between us.  Just discontinuing conversing completely.  You know me!  You were my best friend!  You knew me better than anyone else.  I shared everything with you. How can this be?  I look back to my life at college, and it is surrounded around you.  You were my focus, you were my everything.  I just don't understand.  I really thought you were going to be my life partner.  The person I share the rest of my life with.  I wanted so bad to be the person you would confide in, the person you would continue to share your all with.

     So, do I just ignore this love I have for you?  Do I just bury my desire to be with you?  How can I be, when for the last 2.5 years my life has be intertwined with yours, coexisting?  It seems so difficult to move on, to just leave the feelings and memories of you behind.  You were such a core of my life the last couple of years.  I don't know how I can just move on.  It's seems impossible when my heart is still yours.  I don't get it.  Yeah, we had/have problems, individually and as a couple, but we can work through them!  We can overcome!  We can do it together.

     Being alone is no fun.  How is this best for me?  Where are you God?  I know these truths about you, but you seem to be distant.  I try to reach out to you, and nothing happens.  Maybe I need to try harder, but that just seems counterintuitive to the "Christian surrender."  Where are you?  I thought you were supposed to meet me where I am.  Well, I'm right here, hurting, and I don't see you, I don't feel you, I haven't experienced you in some time.  If you are present, then where?  These knowledge claims about you and your provision will only last so long.  Show yourself.  Or make me aware of your presence.

Journal Entry - 7/27/2010

             I feel extremely angry at her and yet I feel extremely sad to be apart from her. Part of me wants to be miles away from her and part of me desires to be right next to her, helping her and loving her through all this. I need to let go, and yet I shouldn't bottle my feelings or avoid thinking/processing the situation. I need to depend on God, and yet I need to "work out" my faith and my salvation. I need to find a balance. God, show yourself, show me