I love you, and you say you love me. I don’t understand. Why?! Why can’t I be a part of your life? I can see that I desire to be with you more than I desire to commune with God. But how can I change that? How can I let go of you? How can I trust in God? At my deepest I desire you, not God. You give me hope. You sustain my heart’s beat. You are my everything right now...still after our break up. How can I let go of you? How can I let go of the hope of being with you? I LOVE YOU! It kills me to think of you, to hear about you, to hear from you, and yet be so distant. How can I move on? How can I let go?
I know I am supposed to be pursuing God and making Him my foundation, but the truth is that He isn’t my foundation. And I don’t know how to “make” Him my foundation. Where is the balance of “letting go, and letting God” and “making” God my foundation. God where are you in my life? Where are you doing work in my life; where are you establishing yourself in my life; where are you changing me?
I suppose at my core I desire a true, sincere, intimate relationship. For the last 2.5 years I have been trying to get that from my relationship with MCM. I have been trying to get this from my relationship with her, because the relationship is tangible. My relationship with God (if it can be called a relationship) is shadowy, and not consistent at all. My relationship with her was not that best, I know that. We were both imperfect beings in an imperfect relationship, but it was much more real to me than my relationship with God has ever been (at least I think that now). I can look back at the past of my “Christian walk,” and I can recall times where I think God was present, and I think I had a “relationship” with God, but I now I have no idea if I was just convincing myself it was God and just fooling myself into the comfort of Christianity. So, I have been pursuing a relationship of intimacy, intentionality, and completion with MCM, when I should have been pursuing this relationship with God. I can say that now, because I know it in my head, but I definitely don’t know it in my heart. So, I need to pursue God for that completing relationship. To feel whole. But I have no idea how to do that, because God is so fridging distant. Unlike my relationship with God, I could talk to MCM, I could see her, I could feel her, I could relate with her, I could interact with her, etc. With God, I can talk to Him, I can read His Word....and that’s all I can think of. How is that a relationship!? How can I find myself in that? How can I depend on that? How can I found my life on that?
I’ve already said it numerous times, and I’m sure I will say it many more times: “WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?”
