I feel so discouraged. I feel lost. I feel alone. When I actually take time, sit, and think, all I can be is sad. I hate being in a constant state of "depression," but at the same time I don't want to be fake. This "depression" is where I am right now. I am not happy. I don't have a lot of hope. I can avoid thinking about it, and then I'm fine, but I can't avoid thinking about it forever. I have to process it and work/grow through it.
It's so hard for me to comprehend. Is this really how it is going to be? Is this really how are relationship and friendship ends? Nothing between us. Just discontinuing conversing completely. You know me! You were my best friend! You knew me better than anyone else. I shared everything with you. How can this be? I look back to my life at college, and it is surrounded around you. You were my focus, you were my everything. I just don't understand. I really thought you were going to be my life partner. The person I share the rest of my life with. I wanted so bad to be the person you would confide in, the person you would continue to share your all with.
So, do I just ignore this love I have for you? Do I just bury my desire to be with you? How can I be, when for the last 2.5 years my life has be intertwined with yours, coexisting? It seems so difficult to move on, to just leave the feelings and memories of you behind. You were such a core of my life the last couple of years. I don't know how I can just move on. It's seems impossible when my heart is still yours. I don't get it. Yeah, we had/have problems, individually and as a couple, but we can work through them! We can overcome! We can do it together.
Being alone is no fun. How is this best for me? Where are you God? I know these truths about you, but you seem to be distant. I try to reach out to you, and nothing happens. Maybe I need to try harder, but that just seems counterintuitive to the "Christian surrender." Where are you? I thought you were supposed to meet me where I am. Well, I'm right here, hurting, and I don't see you, I don't feel you, I haven't experienced you in some time. If you are present, then where? These knowledge claims about you and your provision will only last so long. Show yourself. Or make me aware of your presence.
