I don't trust you

God, I don't trust you.  I don't trust you with my finances (I have no idea how I am going to pay for grad school).  I don't trust you with my relationship with MCM (it can't be your will that she is supposed to go to UK.  It can't!).  In general, I don't trust you.  I only trust myself.  I want control.  I want to know my future, because I want my plans to pan out.


"The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps."
   Proverbs 16:9


That is so me.  I plan, I prepare, I organize, I structure, I desire, and I fail.  I suck.  I have no control.  I've got nothing.  I am worth nothing.


God, I need so much help in trusting you.  I think I desire you, and more trust in you, but I don't know if I am just trying to convince myself that is what I desire, because I know it is what I should desire...  God, open my eyes to see what you want for me.  No.  Actually, don't show  me what you want.  If you show me, that doesn't take any trust on my part.  Keep my blind, so that I have no choice but to trust you.


I don't want to pursue what I want.  I want what you want, whatever the cost.  If you want to break me some more, bring the waves.  I know you will hold on to me with an unstoppable grip.  Help me to reach for you and hold onto you with everything I've got.


Do I really want to do this grad degree?  Why does money have to be?  It's so stupid.  I hate work.  I want to serve you, and be with her.  I want nothing else.  Is that wrong?  I want to praise you for the rest of my life.  Why can't trust you with my finances?!  It probably comes from the pressure I feel to 'provide.'  Fart that!  I just want to trust in you!  So torn.  This sucks.  Why can't I realize and appreciate all the gifts I have, and all I have going for me?  Why do I feel so sucky?  Why do I so easily look past the love you give me, the person that you are?  The glory you deserve?  And how that should make me so joyous?  Why do so easily judge and criticize others, when you love them for who they are?

I'm so broken...  Repair me

Journaling from a while ago (approx Nov 30, 2010)

I am still holding on to the hope of our relationship.  And if I am going to live my life, I have to have closure to this.  I thought that our last meeting would have provided that closure, but the truth is, it didn’t.  

I don’t know if I am holding on to our relationship because I truly love you and I believe we are supposed to be together, or if it is just sadness and the desire for the comfort of a familiar relationship.

Regardless, me holding on to the thought of us getting back together is killing me, if the fact is that we aren’t going get back together.

I sincerely believe that I am the man that can be the support that you need, but it doesn’t matter what I think I am.  It matters what you think of me....  It’s just so tough for me to get over the fact that I love you and you love me.  I feel like it’s the same old thing from the beginning.  I just can’t let go of you, because I love you and I feel like we are supposed to be together.

But I can’t hold to this if you are 100% certain we are not going to get back together.  I kind of feel like you have already made that known, so I wonder if I should contact you, but something in me still holds on to the hope that you feel the same way as I do, and that you really do want to be with me.  So, tell me:  are we 100% not going to get back together?  Or should I continue to hold on to this hope?

I know that a relationship with another person will not complete me.  I know that I have to find myself in God.

Am I already sold?

God, I feel like I am already sold.  You know my heart:  I love her and I want to be with her.  Do we each need more time?  Or should I move on what I already believe and just pursue her?  Why do I feel like we need to wait a bit?  Do I need to grow more, or just wait, or look to you more?  When will I be "ready?"  God, I want what you want, but it's so hard for me to know what you want.  I desire to pursue you, and I hope that desire pleases you to some extent.  I want to please you more.  I want to please you with my whole life, and included in that is my (hopeful) marriage.  I think she can complete the marriage that I desire.  She is SO GREAT.  I really think she is the one.  How can it be coincidence that we broke up and both grew so much individually.  I want to be with her.  She is so great.  I can't deny that I love her.  I love her with everything that I am.  I want to spend my life with her.  I really do.  God, is this what you want for us?  For me, and for her individually?  God, I want to do your will......