Wow. Wow! I am perplexed, breath-taken (if that's a word), befuddled, completely and utterly taken-aback, in shock. Completely unexpected. God, I did not expect this curveball AT ALL.
Is your timing that good? I am finally feeling content and confident in you, and where you have in life right now, and then you put this in my lap? What do you want me to do? I don't want to lose this opportunity to be with the girl I have loved for so long, but I am scared. More than that, I don't want to lose the faith and dependence I have on you, God. I don't want to lose who I am in you. Don't get me wrong, I love her; the thought of the opportunity to pursue life with her again gives chills to my soul, but I can't help but admit that I am scared. I am content where I am. I have a desire to pursue you, God, and to minister to younger guys, and and I haven't ever had this desire before; I don't want to lose it.
So what do you want? Because I think my flesh wants to be in a relationship with her again, but I don't know if I am ready. She is so "gung-ho" and I am hesitant. The fact that she broke up with J two weeks ago scares me. Are you sure? Have you had enough time being single? Enough time finding yourself in God? Have I had enough time? Are you sure in your mind and heart? Do you sincerely think it's God's will for us?
I am happy, but scared? God, I want what you want. Help me to stay disciplined to continue to seek you even amongst all these feelings about her. Help me to discipline myself to continue with quiet times, praying, journaling, etc. And give me an open mind and soft heart when listening to others' advice and counsel. I am scared. Comfort me, Comforter
1/29/11
1/24/11
Update to the drama
Jon texted me on Sunday. His text read:
"Courtney and I broke up last week. I would love for you to be involved in my life. If you still are not ready for that I am going to respect that. My desire is to love you well and I know I have done a horrible job. I am sorry. It pains my heart knowing what additional pain I have caused you. Trying the best I can as a screwed up man trying to follow Christ."
HA! You want to be friends with me??? Bullshit
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On a similar note, I have been reminded of MCM more and more lately (the above texts being one of those instances), and obviously by those two breaking up...the door is open...as terrible as that sounds... But I can't ignore the fact that I am still completely sold for her... But last we talked, she didn't want anything to do with me...or so I think. What do I know? Do I risk contacting her again?
Jesus, what do you want of all this? What are you trying to teach me? I know I have been molded by all this. My desire for you has grown exponentially over the last couple of months. I feel you more and more each day. Worship has meaning now. My head connection is bridging the gap to my heart. You are active; you are changing me. I love you and I want to serve you, but I am still scared. I am still imperfect and I still desire the fulfillment of a relationship with her. What do you want me to do? Do I wait for her? Or do I persistently pursue her like her dad did with her mother? Jesus, what do you want me to do??
"Courtney and I broke up last week. I would love for you to be involved in my life. If you still are not ready for that I am going to respect that. My desire is to love you well and I know I have done a horrible job. I am sorry. It pains my heart knowing what additional pain I have caused you. Trying the best I can as a screwed up man trying to follow Christ."
HA! You want to be friends with me??? Bullshit
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a similar note, I have been reminded of MCM more and more lately (the above texts being one of those instances), and obviously by those two breaking up...the door is open...as terrible as that sounds... But I can't ignore the fact that I am still completely sold for her... But last we talked, she didn't want anything to do with me...or so I think. What do I know? Do I risk contacting her again?
Jesus, what do you want of all this? What are you trying to teach me? I know I have been molded by all this. My desire for you has grown exponentially over the last couple of months. I feel you more and more each day. Worship has meaning now. My head connection is bridging the gap to my heart. You are active; you are changing me. I love you and I want to serve you, but I am still scared. I am still imperfect and I still desire the fulfillment of a relationship with her. What do you want me to do? Do I wait for her? Or do I persistently pursue her like her dad did with her mother? Jesus, what do you want me to do??
1/13/11
Thoughts over Break
My mother spoke to me about things. I want to respect her thoughts being my mother and my elder, but I have a hard time not completely ignoring her advice. She said that there are two things that will make me happy: either pursuing MCM to the death of me (if I feel like we are supposed to be) or pursuing another person as a significant other.
Regardless of what I do (if I even listen to her advice), she encouraged me to improve my image.... Ugh, the opposite of what I care about, but her words have weight. I really don't care about my image (well not completely apathetic, ya know), but she encouraged me to work out, get in shape, shave, and improve wardrobe. Ugh
"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..." Phillipians 1:12
I hope to look back on all this one day and be able to share my experiences with a brother to encourage him and to glorify God's name. My pain is not in vain. I want to be able to recall my experiences and praise God through them and because of them. I hope my story encourages another and brings him to the saving light of Christ.
"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..." Phillipians 1:29
Assurance of salvation?
I have a definite desire to please and impress others. I consistently see myself hovering over others that I respect and admire... What does this mean?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you......do you think about me similarly? What are we waiting for? Are you really 100% sure? I really think you are the one.......... but I have to let go.......................................
Regardless of what I do (if I even listen to her advice), she encouraged me to improve my image.... Ugh, the opposite of what I care about, but her words have weight. I really don't care about my image (well not completely apathetic, ya know), but she encouraged me to work out, get in shape, shave, and improve wardrobe. Ugh
"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..." Phillipians 1:12
I hope to look back on all this one day and be able to share my experiences with a brother to encourage him and to glorify God's name. My pain is not in vain. I want to be able to recall my experiences and praise God through them and because of them. I hope my story encourages another and brings him to the saving light of Christ.
"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..." Phillipians 1:29
Assurance of salvation?
I have a definite desire to please and impress others. I consistently see myself hovering over others that I respect and admire... What does this mean?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you......do you think about me similarly? What are we waiting for? Are you really 100% sure? I really think you are the one.......... but I have to let go.......................................
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