God, I don't trust you. I don't trust you with my finances (I have no idea how I am going to pay for grad school). I don't trust you with my relationship with MCM (it can't be your will that she is supposed to go to UK. It can't!). In general, I don't trust you. I only trust myself. I want control. I want to know my future, because I want my plans to pan out.
"The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
That is so me. I plan, I prepare, I organize, I structure, I desire, and I fail. I suck. I have no control. I've got nothing. I am worth nothing.
God, I need so much help in trusting you. I think I desire you, and more trust in you, but I don't know if I am just trying to convince myself that is what I desire, because I know it is what I should desire... God, open my eyes to see what you want for me. No. Actually, don't show me what you want. If you show me, that doesn't take any trust on my part. Keep my blind, so that I have no choice but to trust you.
I don't want to pursue what I want. I want what you want, whatever the cost. If you want to break me some more, bring the waves. I know you will hold on to me with an unstoppable grip. Help me to reach for you and hold onto you with everything I've got.
Do I really want to do this grad degree? Why does money have to be? It's so stupid. I hate work. I want to serve you, and be with her. I want nothing else. Is that wrong? I want to praise you for the rest of my life. Why can't trust you with my finances?! It probably comes from the pressure I feel to 'provide.' Fart that! I just want to trust in you! So torn. This sucks. Why can't I realize and appreciate all the gifts I have, and all I have going for me? Why do I feel so sucky? Why do I so easily look past the love you give me, the person that you are? The glory you deserve? And how that should make me so joyous? Why do so easily judge and criticize others, when you love them for who they are?
I'm so broken... Repair me
