God, why have I felt so distant from you? Why have I slacked in my dedication to you? Why can't a relationship with you be more concrete? Why is it so hard for me to discipline myself to talk to you? Where is your answering voice? Your consoling hand? Your guiding light?
Whom will I serve this day? Is it simply that I want to serve myself and trust myself more than I want to serve and trust in you? Do I just want to feed myself and my selfish carnal desires?
I still feel drawn to you by some force, or some inclination. I still desire to be part of a cause bigger than myself. It seems like it should be completely right, completely satisfying, completely motivating, but it's not for some reason. I still have hesitation, or just a desire to be selfish. I am constantly torn between pursuing you and loving those around me, and just doing whatever the frick I want and being selfish.
What kind of man am I becoming? Who do I want to become?
LORD, if you are so powerful, and so loving, I want you. I want to know you. I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to be certain, even if I can't have 100% certainty. I want to love you without reservation, without hesitation. I want to commit to you. I want to know who I am in you and you alone. I don't want to be someone I am not. I don't want to have to hid or cover who I am. I want to love you, Lord. Help me love you. Change me. Help me stay disciplined to you.
8/29/11
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