Sometimes I really feel like I am stuck in a state of "Limbo." I try to convince myself that you are real and you are worth it, and sometimes I feel as if that is the truth, but there's still a significant amount of time that I feel as if that may not be true. I think I make a decent attempt at serving you and pursuing you, but I know I could "do better." But I hate that thought. I feel like that thought only re-opens a wound I've carried for most of my "Christian walk." I need some sort of completely radical change of my understanding of God, Christianity, faith, what a personal relationship is, etc., because if I don't, I don't think I'll make it. I have been relying on habit or my own strength for a lot of this. I can't do that. I have to somehow rely on Him. What does that even mean?!
God, I am not consistent with you. I am not dedicated. I SUCK at this. It kills me that I suck at this. I bury my head in the ground. I do this to myself. Is this as difficult as I make it? Why so? And if it's not like this, how is it? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. And yet, I know I am not supposed to. Oh, the paradox of faith...of God. Who do I cry out to for help? Let the stone-faced walk continue until I grow a pair.
10/17/11
Continued Doubts (Sometime late Aug 2011)
I still have doubts. I don't know if I will ever get rid of them. I am constrained by my desire to be an "intellectual." I want to have control - that's what it really comes down to. I don't believe you, God, and a significant part of me doesn't want to believe you, because then I will have to give up things I don't want to give up. Why are you worth it?
I feel the pressure of marriage. Am I ready?
~~~
How can my prayer life improve?
How can I be more sincere and intentional in my relationship with God?
Less of: "how can I improve?", and more of "how can YOU improve me, God?" or "how can I allow you to improve me?"
Why am I so judgmental? How can you change me God?
How can I be more intentional and disciplined with my relationship with Courtney?
Romantic, creative, spontaneous
~~~
What have I been doing to impress God?
How have I been caught up in finding ways to "earn" His love?
I feel the pressure of marriage. Am I ready?
~~~
How can my prayer life improve?
How can I be more sincere and intentional in my relationship with God?
Less of: "how can I improve?", and more of "how can YOU improve me, God?" or "how can I allow you to improve me?"
Why am I so judgmental? How can you change me God?
How can I be more intentional and disciplined with my relationship with Courtney?
Romantic, creative, spontaneous
~~~
What have I been doing to impress God?
How have I been caught up in finding ways to "earn" His love?
8/29/11
A Divine relationship
God, why have I felt so distant from you? Why have I slacked in my dedication to you? Why can't a relationship with you be more concrete? Why is it so hard for me to discipline myself to talk to you? Where is your answering voice? Your consoling hand? Your guiding light?
Whom will I serve this day? Is it simply that I want to serve myself and trust myself more than I want to serve and trust in you? Do I just want to feed myself and my selfish carnal desires?
I still feel drawn to you by some force, or some inclination. I still desire to be part of a cause bigger than myself. It seems like it should be completely right, completely satisfying, completely motivating, but it's not for some reason. I still have hesitation, or just a desire to be selfish. I am constantly torn between pursuing you and loving those around me, and just doing whatever the frick I want and being selfish.
What kind of man am I becoming? Who do I want to become?
LORD, if you are so powerful, and so loving, I want you. I want to know you. I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to be certain, even if I can't have 100% certainty. I want to love you without reservation, without hesitation. I want to commit to you. I want to know who I am in you and you alone. I don't want to be someone I am not. I don't want to have to hid or cover who I am. I want to love you, Lord. Help me love you. Change me. Help me stay disciplined to you.
Whom will I serve this day? Is it simply that I want to serve myself and trust myself more than I want to serve and trust in you? Do I just want to feed myself and my selfish carnal desires?
I still feel drawn to you by some force, or some inclination. I still desire to be part of a cause bigger than myself. It seems like it should be completely right, completely satisfying, completely motivating, but it's not for some reason. I still have hesitation, or just a desire to be selfish. I am constantly torn between pursuing you and loving those around me, and just doing whatever the frick I want and being selfish.
What kind of man am I becoming? Who do I want to become?
LORD, if you are so powerful, and so loving, I want you. I want to know you. I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to be certain, even if I can't have 100% certainty. I want to love you without reservation, without hesitation. I want to commit to you. I want to know who I am in you and you alone. I don't want to be someone I am not. I don't want to have to hid or cover who I am. I want to love you, Lord. Help me love you. Change me. Help me stay disciplined to you.
8/18/11
3/18/11
3/16/11
Restlessness
Why do I feel this restlessness? Why do I continue to feel such distance from you? You promise to be near, and to be constantly at work, but where? I think you are right, and that I am not crazy, but why do I always have these doubts?
How can I love you, and dedicate myself to you? How can I get to know you "personally?" I want to seek you, to know you. I desire truth and a real relationship more than anything. Help me to trust you, and to trust your promises. I am putting myself out there; I have been, and I will continue to do so. Help me to trust that you are who you say you are, and that you really want the things you say you want for me. I want to know you, and I want to trust you. I don't want to desire what you give me. I want to desire you for you. Help me to do that.
Help me to feel a need and longing for communication with you. I suck at communication with you. I can talk "at" you all I want. But I want to talk with you. I want to hear from you. I want to be assured. I want be affirmed. I don't want to feel alone. I want to feel you moving
How can I love you, and dedicate myself to you? How can I get to know you "personally?" I want to seek you, to know you. I desire truth and a real relationship more than anything. Help me to trust you, and to trust your promises. I am putting myself out there; I have been, and I will continue to do so. Help me to trust that you are who you say you are, and that you really want the things you say you want for me. I want to know you, and I want to trust you. I don't want to desire what you give me. I want to desire you for you. Help me to do that.
Help me to feel a need and longing for communication with you. I suck at communication with you. I can talk "at" you all I want. But I want to talk with you. I want to hear from you. I want to be assured. I want be affirmed. I don't want to feel alone. I want to feel you moving
2/21/11
I don't trust you
God, I don't trust you. I don't trust you with my finances (I have no idea how I am going to pay for grad school). I don't trust you with my relationship with MCM (it can't be your will that she is supposed to go to UK. It can't!). In general, I don't trust you. I only trust myself. I want control. I want to know my future, because I want my plans to pan out.
"The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
That is so me. I plan, I prepare, I organize, I structure, I desire, and I fail. I suck. I have no control. I've got nothing. I am worth nothing.
God, I need so much help in trusting you. I think I desire you, and more trust in you, but I don't know if I am just trying to convince myself that is what I desire, because I know it is what I should desire... God, open my eyes to see what you want for me. No. Actually, don't show me what you want. If you show me, that doesn't take any trust on my part. Keep my blind, so that I have no choice but to trust you.
I don't want to pursue what I want. I want what you want, whatever the cost. If you want to break me some more, bring the waves. I know you will hold on to me with an unstoppable grip. Help me to reach for you and hold onto you with everything I've got.
Do I really want to do this grad degree? Why does money have to be? It's so stupid. I hate work. I want to serve you, and be with her. I want nothing else. Is that wrong? I want to praise you for the rest of my life. Why can't trust you with my finances?! It probably comes from the pressure I feel to 'provide.' Fart that! I just want to trust in you! So torn. This sucks. Why can't I realize and appreciate all the gifts I have, and all I have going for me? Why do I feel so sucky? Why do I so easily look past the love you give me, the person that you are? The glory you deserve? And how that should make me so joyous? Why do so easily judge and criticize others, when you love them for who they are?
I'm so broken... Repair me
"The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
That is so me. I plan, I prepare, I organize, I structure, I desire, and I fail. I suck. I have no control. I've got nothing. I am worth nothing.
God, I need so much help in trusting you. I think I desire you, and more trust in you, but I don't know if I am just trying to convince myself that is what I desire, because I know it is what I should desire... God, open my eyes to see what you want for me. No. Actually, don't show me what you want. If you show me, that doesn't take any trust on my part. Keep my blind, so that I have no choice but to trust you.
I don't want to pursue what I want. I want what you want, whatever the cost. If you want to break me some more, bring the waves. I know you will hold on to me with an unstoppable grip. Help me to reach for you and hold onto you with everything I've got.
Do I really want to do this grad degree? Why does money have to be? It's so stupid. I hate work. I want to serve you, and be with her. I want nothing else. Is that wrong? I want to praise you for the rest of my life. Why can't trust you with my finances?! It probably comes from the pressure I feel to 'provide.' Fart that! I just want to trust in you! So torn. This sucks. Why can't I realize and appreciate all the gifts I have, and all I have going for me? Why do I feel so sucky? Why do I so easily look past the love you give me, the person that you are? The glory you deserve? And how that should make me so joyous? Why do so easily judge and criticize others, when you love them for who they are?
I'm so broken... Repair me
2/8/11
Journaling from a while ago (approx Nov 30, 2010)
I am still holding on to the hope of our relationship. And if I am going to live my life, I have to have closure to this. I thought that our last meeting would have provided that closure, but the truth is, it didn’t.
I don’t know if I am holding on to our relationship because I truly love you and I believe we are supposed to be together, or if it is just sadness and the desire for the comfort of a familiar relationship.
Regardless, me holding on to the thought of us getting back together is killing me, if the fact is that we aren’t going get back together.
I sincerely believe that I am the man that can be the support that you need, but it doesn’t matter what I think I am. It matters what you think of me.... It’s just so tough for me to get over the fact that I love you and you love me. I feel like it’s the same old thing from the beginning. I just can’t let go of you, because I love you and I feel like we are supposed to be together.
But I can’t hold to this if you are 100% certain we are not going to get back together. I kind of feel like you have already made that known, so I wonder if I should contact you, but something in me still holds on to the hope that you feel the same way as I do, and that you really do want to be with me. So, tell me: are we 100% not going to get back together? Or should I continue to hold on to this hope?
I know that a relationship with another person will not complete me. I know that I have to find myself in God.
2/1/11
Am I already sold?
God, I feel like I am already sold. You know my heart: I love her and I want to be with her. Do we each need more time? Or should I move on what I already believe and just pursue her? Why do I feel like we need to wait a bit? Do I need to grow more, or just wait, or look to you more? When will I be "ready?" God, I want what you want, but it's so hard for me to know what you want. I desire to pursue you, and I hope that desire pleases you to some extent. I want to please you more. I want to please you with my whole life, and included in that is my (hopeful) marriage. I think she can complete the marriage that I desire. She is SO GREAT. I really think she is the one. How can it be coincidence that we broke up and both grew so much individually. I want to be with her. She is so great. I can't deny that I love her. I love her with everything that I am. I want to spend my life with her. I really do. God, is this what you want for us? For me, and for her individually? God, I want to do your will......
1/29/11
A complete 180
Wow. Wow! I am perplexed, breath-taken (if that's a word), befuddled, completely and utterly taken-aback, in shock. Completely unexpected. God, I did not expect this curveball AT ALL.
Is your timing that good? I am finally feeling content and confident in you, and where you have in life right now, and then you put this in my lap? What do you want me to do? I don't want to lose this opportunity to be with the girl I have loved for so long, but I am scared. More than that, I don't want to lose the faith and dependence I have on you, God. I don't want to lose who I am in you. Don't get me wrong, I love her; the thought of the opportunity to pursue life with her again gives chills to my soul, but I can't help but admit that I am scared. I am content where I am. I have a desire to pursue you, God, and to minister to younger guys, and and I haven't ever had this desire before; I don't want to lose it.
So what do you want? Because I think my flesh wants to be in a relationship with her again, but I don't know if I am ready. She is so "gung-ho" and I am hesitant. The fact that she broke up with J two weeks ago scares me. Are you sure? Have you had enough time being single? Enough time finding yourself in God? Have I had enough time? Are you sure in your mind and heart? Do you sincerely think it's God's will for us?
I am happy, but scared? God, I want what you want. Help me to stay disciplined to continue to seek you even amongst all these feelings about her. Help me to discipline myself to continue with quiet times, praying, journaling, etc. And give me an open mind and soft heart when listening to others' advice and counsel. I am scared. Comfort me, Comforter
Is your timing that good? I am finally feeling content and confident in you, and where you have in life right now, and then you put this in my lap? What do you want me to do? I don't want to lose this opportunity to be with the girl I have loved for so long, but I am scared. More than that, I don't want to lose the faith and dependence I have on you, God. I don't want to lose who I am in you. Don't get me wrong, I love her; the thought of the opportunity to pursue life with her again gives chills to my soul, but I can't help but admit that I am scared. I am content where I am. I have a desire to pursue you, God, and to minister to younger guys, and and I haven't ever had this desire before; I don't want to lose it.
So what do you want? Because I think my flesh wants to be in a relationship with her again, but I don't know if I am ready. She is so "gung-ho" and I am hesitant. The fact that she broke up with J two weeks ago scares me. Are you sure? Have you had enough time being single? Enough time finding yourself in God? Have I had enough time? Are you sure in your mind and heart? Do you sincerely think it's God's will for us?
I am happy, but scared? God, I want what you want. Help me to stay disciplined to continue to seek you even amongst all these feelings about her. Help me to discipline myself to continue with quiet times, praying, journaling, etc. And give me an open mind and soft heart when listening to others' advice and counsel. I am scared. Comfort me, Comforter
1/24/11
Update to the drama
Jon texted me on Sunday. His text read:
"Courtney and I broke up last week. I would love for you to be involved in my life. If you still are not ready for that I am going to respect that. My desire is to love you well and I know I have done a horrible job. I am sorry. It pains my heart knowing what additional pain I have caused you. Trying the best I can as a screwed up man trying to follow Christ."
HA! You want to be friends with me??? Bullshit
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a similar note, I have been reminded of MCM more and more lately (the above texts being one of those instances), and obviously by those two breaking up...the door is open...as terrible as that sounds... But I can't ignore the fact that I am still completely sold for her... But last we talked, she didn't want anything to do with me...or so I think. What do I know? Do I risk contacting her again?
Jesus, what do you want of all this? What are you trying to teach me? I know I have been molded by all this. My desire for you has grown exponentially over the last couple of months. I feel you more and more each day. Worship has meaning now. My head connection is bridging the gap to my heart. You are active; you are changing me. I love you and I want to serve you, but I am still scared. I am still imperfect and I still desire the fulfillment of a relationship with her. What do you want me to do? Do I wait for her? Or do I persistently pursue her like her dad did with her mother? Jesus, what do you want me to do??
"Courtney and I broke up last week. I would love for you to be involved in my life. If you still are not ready for that I am going to respect that. My desire is to love you well and I know I have done a horrible job. I am sorry. It pains my heart knowing what additional pain I have caused you. Trying the best I can as a screwed up man trying to follow Christ."
HA! You want to be friends with me??? Bullshit
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a similar note, I have been reminded of MCM more and more lately (the above texts being one of those instances), and obviously by those two breaking up...the door is open...as terrible as that sounds... But I can't ignore the fact that I am still completely sold for her... But last we talked, she didn't want anything to do with me...or so I think. What do I know? Do I risk contacting her again?
Jesus, what do you want of all this? What are you trying to teach me? I know I have been molded by all this. My desire for you has grown exponentially over the last couple of months. I feel you more and more each day. Worship has meaning now. My head connection is bridging the gap to my heart. You are active; you are changing me. I love you and I want to serve you, but I am still scared. I am still imperfect and I still desire the fulfillment of a relationship with her. What do you want me to do? Do I wait for her? Or do I persistently pursue her like her dad did with her mother? Jesus, what do you want me to do??
1/13/11
Thoughts over Break
My mother spoke to me about things. I want to respect her thoughts being my mother and my elder, but I have a hard time not completely ignoring her advice. She said that there are two things that will make me happy: either pursuing MCM to the death of me (if I feel like we are supposed to be) or pursuing another person as a significant other.
Regardless of what I do (if I even listen to her advice), she encouraged me to improve my image.... Ugh, the opposite of what I care about, but her words have weight. I really don't care about my image (well not completely apathetic, ya know), but she encouraged me to work out, get in shape, shave, and improve wardrobe. Ugh
"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..." Phillipians 1:12
I hope to look back on all this one day and be able to share my experiences with a brother to encourage him and to glorify God's name. My pain is not in vain. I want to be able to recall my experiences and praise God through them and because of them. I hope my story encourages another and brings him to the saving light of Christ.
"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..." Phillipians 1:29
Assurance of salvation?
I have a definite desire to please and impress others. I consistently see myself hovering over others that I respect and admire... What does this mean?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you......do you think about me similarly? What are we waiting for? Are you really 100% sure? I really think you are the one.......... but I have to let go.......................................
Regardless of what I do (if I even listen to her advice), she encouraged me to improve my image.... Ugh, the opposite of what I care about, but her words have weight. I really don't care about my image (well not completely apathetic, ya know), but she encouraged me to work out, get in shape, shave, and improve wardrobe. Ugh
"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..." Phillipians 1:12
I hope to look back on all this one day and be able to share my experiences with a brother to encourage him and to glorify God's name. My pain is not in vain. I want to be able to recall my experiences and praise God through them and because of them. I hope my story encourages another and brings him to the saving light of Christ.
"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..." Phillipians 1:29
Assurance of salvation?
I have a definite desire to please and impress others. I consistently see myself hovering over others that I respect and admire... What does this mean?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you......do you think about me similarly? What are we waiting for? Are you really 100% sure? I really think you are the one.......... but I have to let go.......................................
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