I want something different. I don't want these same thoughts continuing to consume my thoughts. She texted me the other day "Congratulations" Thanks. Thanks for rekindling the feeling of death I so dearly missed.
Do you really just miss me as a friend? Is that it? Is that all I was to you?
I feel like that isn't the case (or at least that is what I hope). I want to think that you really do miss me as a boyfriend and you still want to be with me, but for some reason you don't want to admit it. But I guess I will only be able to find out if you let me know. So my options are to wait and bleed out, or to give up on you and attempt to move on. Obviously, I don't want to move on, because I still love you, but I have no choice. You have made it clear once again that you "are 100% sure you don't want to be with me." So, separation it shall be...for good. You are gone. Dead. You are out of my life. You don't exist. No doubt, I will continue to think of you daily, but your physical existence in my life is done. I have to give up on you.
It is going to continue to be so tough to move on, when the fact is that whenever I have a free moment it goes directly to thoughts of you. I am pushing myself towards God, but He just isn't the same. I miss the feeling of texting someone often. The hug and embrace. The assurance and confidence. A best friend. And a significant other. But you are dead. same old, same old but the pain doesn't leave
God, why am I not content in you? What are your plans for me? I feel so distant from you, and yet I hear that you are capable of fulfilling me more than a girl ever could. So far that hasn't been the case.
Should I be staying in Dayton? I say that I want something different, and yet Dayton will be the same. I love and need the support, but going away from Dayton would remind me less of you. But then again, if I move away, I may have a ton more free time to think of you and drown myself in self-pity.
As always: God, show yourself to me. Rid me of this pain. Complete me in You.
12/24/10
12/17/10
Still in my head
I feel like I always journal about the same thing: crap with the ex...(so weird saying ex...), but that is what continues to consume my thoughts.
My life is pretty much made up of these things:
1. getting over her
2. trying to pursue God
3. trying to figure out my future (what I want to do and what I'm going to do)
4. other misc things (school, social interactions, sports, music, etc.)
The fact is, she still continues to be the #1 thing I think about (depending on the day, I suppose). I do feel like I am thinking about her less, but if I am not busy my brain goes to her (this is what is happening now). Is is healthy for me to busy myself so that I don't have the down time to think about her? I have been trying to fill my life with being obedient and pursuing God, but I have not felt the completion (or the movement towards completion) I desire. I know that I never will feel 100% completion...esta impossible. Pero, quierolo. Comprendes? (I wish I still took Spanish. Suede, help me with this...). [scatter brained much?]
Can I sincerely let go of you? I think about how you surely have moved on. When we talked last, it sounded like you had already moved on, that thinking about me wasn't a problem for you. I suppose you have found the "surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus your Lord".... I have not found that. When I think about how it seems like you have moved on past me, it makes me think that I have to move on to, and that I can. But the hope of a life with you still glimmers in the darkness of my heart. Why can't that glimmer be extinguished? Do I sincerely love you, or can I just not let go of the "easiness" and familiarity of a life with you? Farts!!!!
So I consistently have had this tension (since day one of break up) that I can't figure out if I really do love you, or if I just want to be with you because it would be easy... I suppose it's a bad sign that I can't determine if it's true love....farts. But seriously! How can I move on if I am unsure if I should obsessively pursue you or forget about you? That is what is holding me back, I think...
But when I do think about how you have probably moved on, my heart/stomach/morale/faith/soul drop... It's hard for me to think about you and think that you have forgotten about me. I don't want you to forget about me! I want to be yours! Can your mind be changed without me planting thoughts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kind of want God, but potentially, in reality, my motives are selfish (completion, assurance, happiness). But I still feel like I don't understand or appreciate God (and his gifts/love) to the extent in which I will be able to sincerely want Him (instead of his gifts). I should want God primarily, not his gifts. I should want Him, in part, because of His gifts, but primarily just because of who He is (right?). But the reality is that I don't.
Sometimes I really feel like I am pursuing Christian faith completely blindly. I tell myself that I am being obedient...but I'm essentially pursuing God blindly. I suppose that is the definition of faith, but I suppose my "humanness" still desires proof, explanation, assurance...something to know that I am not crazy! Sometimes I think I feel you, God, but most of the time I don't feel you. My faith is in my head, not my heart. I don't really communicate with you. Communication with an omniscient, omnipotent, eternal being is awkward...How does it work?
I desire to pursue God intellectually, but the motivation for this is selfish...I desire to know more for myself, to be smarter, to talk smarter, etc. I don't sincerely want to know more about God, especially not for His glory.
How can I change? How can these fundamental faults possibly change within me? I can't do it. My doubts and hesitancy consume me.
My life is pretty much made up of these things:
1. getting over her
2. trying to pursue God
3. trying to figure out my future (what I want to do and what I'm going to do)
4. other misc things (school, social interactions, sports, music, etc.)
The fact is, she still continues to be the #1 thing I think about (depending on the day, I suppose). I do feel like I am thinking about her less, but if I am not busy my brain goes to her (this is what is happening now). Is is healthy for me to busy myself so that I don't have the down time to think about her? I have been trying to fill my life with being obedient and pursuing God, but I have not felt the completion (or the movement towards completion) I desire. I know that I never will feel 100% completion...esta impossible. Pero, quierolo. Comprendes? (I wish I still took Spanish. Suede, help me with this...). [scatter brained much?]
Can I sincerely let go of you? I think about how you surely have moved on. When we talked last, it sounded like you had already moved on, that thinking about me wasn't a problem for you. I suppose you have found the "surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus your Lord".... I have not found that. When I think about how it seems like you have moved on past me, it makes me think that I have to move on to, and that I can. But the hope of a life with you still glimmers in the darkness of my heart. Why can't that glimmer be extinguished? Do I sincerely love you, or can I just not let go of the "easiness" and familiarity of a life with you? Farts!!!!
So I consistently have had this tension (since day one of break up) that I can't figure out if I really do love you, or if I just want to be with you because it would be easy... I suppose it's a bad sign that I can't determine if it's true love....farts. But seriously! How can I move on if I am unsure if I should obsessively pursue you or forget about you? That is what is holding me back, I think...
But when I do think about how you have probably moved on, my heart/stomach/morale/faith/soul drop... It's hard for me to think about you and think that you have forgotten about me. I don't want you to forget about me! I want to be yours! Can your mind be changed without me planting thoughts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kind of want God, but potentially, in reality, my motives are selfish (completion, assurance, happiness). But I still feel like I don't understand or appreciate God (and his gifts/love) to the extent in which I will be able to sincerely want Him (instead of his gifts). I should want God primarily, not his gifts. I should want Him, in part, because of His gifts, but primarily just because of who He is (right?). But the reality is that I don't.
Sometimes I really feel like I am pursuing Christian faith completely blindly. I tell myself that I am being obedient...but I'm essentially pursuing God blindly. I suppose that is the definition of faith, but I suppose my "humanness" still desires proof, explanation, assurance...something to know that I am not crazy! Sometimes I think I feel you, God, but most of the time I don't feel you. My faith is in my head, not my heart. I don't really communicate with you. Communication with an omniscient, omnipotent, eternal being is awkward...How does it work?
I desire to pursue God intellectually, but the motivation for this is selfish...I desire to know more for myself, to be smarter, to talk smarter, etc. I don't sincerely want to know more about God, especially not for His glory.
How can I change? How can these fundamental faults possibly change within me? I can't do it. My doubts and hesitancy consume me.
12/6/10
Skin
I hate how the flesh has a control over me still. The body consumes me. Why is this? Can I not see and pursue greater things that this?
12/5/10
Journaly thoughts
Jake and I talked about how I need to get closure to my relationship with her:
Part of me thinks I need to just force myself to move on and let go of the thought of the possibility of us getting together, because I look at myself, my life, and my relationship with God, and I see the fact that I need to grow a lot. But I also can't help but think that I still love her. I don't want to move on. I want to spend my life with her. I get mad at God and others when they are happy in their relationships. I don't have that anymore, and I want it. But I don't want it with another person. I want it with her.
--Have you closed the door to "us"? Is there no hope for us? Am I just beating myself up by continuing to hold on to this hope? Or are you thinking the same way that I am?
I read this today. Makes me think that God is trying to tell me that she made the right decision in ending our relationship, even though it hurt (and continues to hurt) me a lot. She followed what she thought God's will was/is. I am the one who doesn't love Him as much, so it hurt me more. My plans were upset.
From "WHAT MY OBEDIENCE TO GOD COSTS OTHER PEOPLE" by Oswald Chambers
Part of me thinks I need to just force myself to move on and let go of the thought of the possibility of us getting together, because I look at myself, my life, and my relationship with God, and I see the fact that I need to grow a lot. But I also can't help but think that I still love her. I don't want to move on. I want to spend my life with her. I get mad at God and others when they are happy in their relationships. I don't have that anymore, and I want it. But I don't want it with another person. I want it with her.
--Have you closed the door to "us"? Is there no hope for us? Am I just beating myself up by continuing to hold on to this hope? Or are you thinking the same way that I am?
I read this today. Makes me think that God is trying to tell me that she made the right decision in ending our relationship, even though it hurt (and continues to hurt) me a lot. She followed what she thought God's will was/is. I am the one who doesn't love Him as much, so it hurt me more. My plans were upset.
From "WHAT MY OBEDIENCE TO GOD COSTS OTHER PEOPLE" by Oswald Chambers
If we obey God it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the sting comes in. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything, it is a delight, but it costs those who do not love Him a good deal. If we obey God it will mean that other people's plans are upset, and they will gibe us with it - "You call this Christianity?" We can prevent the suffering; but if we are going to obey God, we must not prevent it, we must let the cost be paid.
Our human pride entrenches itself on this point, and we say - I will never accept anything from anyone. We shall have to, or disobey God. We have no right to expect to be in any other relation than our Lord Himself was in (see Luke 8:2-3).
Stagnation in spiritual life comes when we say we will bear the whole thing ourselves. We cannot. We are so involved in the universal purposes of God that immediately we obey God, others are affected. Are we going to remain loyal in our obedience to God and go through the humiliation of refusing to be independent, or are we going to take the other line and say - I will not cost other people suffering? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but we shall be a grief to our Lord. Whereas if we obey God, He will look after those who have been pressed into the consequences of our obedience. We have simply to obey and to leave all consequences with Him.
Beware of the inclination to dictate to God as to what you will allow to happen if you obey Him.
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