I am angry and bitter at God for putting me through all this, when I still think that I know best...

I cannot deny the feeling within me that God is there, and He cares.  I must move on that feeling

Core lies

Paul spoke of core lies that we all have or that we all believe.  How these can be sources of sin and doubt in our lives.  What are my core lies?

Alone

God, where are you? I feel so alone. So broken. I just want to die. I am so bitter. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to put any effort forth. I just want to crawl into my bed and die. What do you want from me? Where am I going? What plans do you have for me? What the hell am I doing with my life? Am I doing this all wrong? Why can't I feel you? Why can't I see you or hear you? Where are you to swoop down and save the day?

Why does this crush me so much? Why can't I move on? Why am I holding myself back? Is this in your plans? What's the good of all this? I've tried so hard to keep a positive attitude, to give you the benefit of the doubt, and to be obedient to you. I thought my heart was changing, but what I feel now is nothing near you. Show yourself! All powerful? All knowing? Loving? Where? How?

Hmmm...maybe more thoughts about relationships?

I can't not think about her and about the relationship that slipped through my hands.  And I think that is my problem.  I idealized (and still idealize) our relationship.  I definitely put it before God.  I still think of the possibility of a relationship with her as some "perfect existence," even though I know it would be nothing near that.  I still feel like I am called to be in a marriage relationship, but how do I get past my 'idol" of a relationship with her?  How can I date another girl when I still am holding on to thoughts about her?
I hold on to the thought that we were/are right for each other, that we will get back together.  But then again, I think back to our relationship, and I remember, "She doesn't trust me" and "She just doesn't love me for who I am."  Two things I definitely desire in a significant other.  But then again, I gave her reasons not trust me...and maybe I am wrong in saying that she doesn't love me for me.  So I have this constant and consistent tension of thoughts that we are meant to be versus we are not meant to be.  I hope that my feelings of wanting to be with her are rooted in my desire to be loved and accepted, but it's hard for me to think it's just that; I still can't deny there exists a belief within me that we are supposed to be together, even now.  How can I let go of this?  How can I move on when there is still that hesitation?  When I am still holding on to the hope of a future with her?

Something's gotta give

Reality is that we can't be together.  And yet the reality is that I still love you...  What's gonna give?

Love Hurts (~10/15)

All good things must come to an end, I guess. It's still really hard for me to accept that we shouldn't be together. Yesterday reiterated that to me. We both love each other. We have lots of fun together. It was such a joy spending that time with her. I haven't had that much fun just reconnecting like that. We are best friends who just have to separate I guess.

It's going to be really difficult for me to let go of her and not blame misled for 'not being good enough' for her. I feel like all I am going to think about is the fact that she was too good for me. I feel like I am going to compare any future relationship I have with my relationship with her. She is the girlfriend/wife I just wasn't good enough to get... I feel like I wasn't 'holy' enough for her. I feel like my relationship with God wasn't good enough for her standards. I feel like I've let the girl of my dreams slip through my hands. She is so loving, and she has such great direction in her relationship with God.
Do I think she is being selfish in her thoughts that if we got together she wouldn't be able to grow?

We talked about how the timing of our relationship just wasn't right. Our relationship was a college relationship. We peaked early on and staggered along after that. Our relationship want the best. She wants the best. She doesn't want to 'settle' for a relationship that isn't the best (now you see why it will be easy for me to beat myself up over not being good enough). We connected during our relationship because we were in the same place in life. But we have grown apart. We are not now where we were then. We are different people now. She needs someone 'different' than me. She says I am a great guy, but that she doesn't think that I can be the support she needs. She thinks back to our relationship and she can't trust me to love and cherish her because I didn't do so in the past.

Do you think it's unhealthy for me to hold on to the feeling that I think God has made her and I "meant to be?"

You have to be bigger than this

God, I am still utterly consumed by thoughts of her.  I can't help but think that the girl of my dreams has walked out of my life.  I've messed up my opportunity to be with her.  I can't help but think there can't be another person out there who is better than her.  She was so great!  (Or am I just convincing myself this?)  God, it's so saddening and discouraging.  My heart's desire was to be with her (even though my motives were/are not pure).  How can I let go of that?  It's so difficult for me to believe that my relationship with You can be better than my relationship with her.  She was physical and present.  You are mystical and distant.  I don't know how I can trust you.  My stomach wrenches with these thoughts.  Tears form in my eyes.  I just want to love and to be loved.  How can your love complete me, God?  I don't feel it; I don't see it.  I know that a relationship with another human would not complete me.  Another person's love would inevitably be imperfect, and therefore I would not find completion in it, but at least the love of another person is tangible.  It can be felt, seen, touched, experienced....I still desire to be with her, even though I know I can't.  I still want to text her and ask, "Are you sure?"  I want her to take me back.  I know it's not healthy.  I know I am not dependent on God for my meaning, purpose, motivation, etc. and therefore I shouldn't be in a relationship.  But God, it just seems so wrong!  I want to be with her more than anything else.  I know that's not good.  I know I should want to glorify God more than anything.  But the truth is that I don't.  My heart just isn't there.  I want to be with her.

God, how can I get over myself and my desires and my plans to simply kneel at your feet?  Why can't I just give up?  Why do I continue to hold on to anything I can so that I don't have to give up everything?  Why can I not accept what you want for me?

What should I do with my life?  Should I really go the grad school option?  Is that what you want for me, or is this just me trying to convince myself that it's your plans?  Should I fundraise like I don't want to, because you want me to?  More than anything, I don't want to live like I have been anymore.  I want to trust in you.  I want to give you my all.  I can't live in mediocre faith anymore.  I want to dedicate my all to you.  I give everything to you.  F*** my past relationship with her.  I am done with that.  You are better.  You are my core motivation and purpose.  You complete me.  You love me when I don't deserve it.  I am an adopted son, in whom you are well pleased.  No matter how many times I turn my back on you, you take me back.  You love me with an everlasting love that I cannot be separated from.  You give and give and give.  Your grace abounds in my life in ways I will never understand.  Teach me these truths, God.  Write them on my heart.  Change me to focus on you and you alone.  I have doubts, but I will be obedient to you, and give you the benefit of the doubt.  I will trust in you first of all.  I don't care where I end up, what comes of my life, I just want to glorify you!  God, take me.  I don't care anymore.  You are my Father.  I am found in you, and you alone.  You are the spring of living water that satisfies.  You alone satisfy.  Make me content in you.  You are my Father.  You love me.  And I love you