It's over. We are done for good. It was a great relationship. I grew tons, and I hope you did too. To this day I still don't completely understand it, but I have to trust you and God that this really is best. I still love you, and it's gonna take some time for me to not love you, but I will move on. I have no choice. It was a good ending, I suppose. I am glad that we were able to provide closure to our relationship face-to-face rather than over the phone or via text. The end wasn't necessarily mutual (as I have expressed for months now), but we were on the same page. I understood/understand your thought process, and I respect it. But that doesn't make it less hard for me to accept, and it doesn't make it any less painful. I see you as an amazing woman of God, and it's hard for me to trust God enough to think that I will ever meet someone better than you (or just better for me). And like I said, it's very difficult for me not to beat myself up when you express that you feel like you just need someone "different." How am I not supposed to think that I am just not good enough for you? But anyway, it was a good relationship. I believed I experienced much joy and maturity. I learnt a lot about myself, about relationships, and about God. I hope you grew too; I think you did, but obviously not enough towards the end of our relationship...sorry, I am reacting bitterly.
It was great spending that time with you. It was like old times. We felt like friends again, like bf and gf. But now that I think about my stomach wrenches in a knot because I know that it will never be like that again. WHY? God, I don't understand! I love this girl! She is the desire of my heart, and you promise that you will grant us the desire of our heart! Why can't it be?! We shouldn't have hung out like that....it makes me so mad, because it just seems so right for us to be together...
I know you know best, God. It's just so hard to accept and to trust you. We shouldn't have hung out like that. It only replanted the roots we have in each other's hearts, and then we had to rip them out and slice them again. So now I am forced to forget about you. To forget about the girl I love. Forget about the relationship that I thought would be the only relationship I would ever experience. I was ready to commit my all to you...dang. I was wrong.
God, I was planning out my life. I was trying to plan out my successful future. I obviously don't know best, because I messed up (as I have over and over again). But how can I trust you that you know best when you are so far away?
And this break up digs at my flesh even more because of that connection... I don't want to know! Don't keep me involved. If it is God's will, then so be it. I don't care. You don't need my permission; I don't want to know. Just go for it behind my back. You are obviously "different" than me. I just want to break the ties........
I am a control freak, I know this. But I still think I had the right to know. Was it better not to tell me?
10/26/10
10/11/10
Journaling over the weekend
Do I believe we are "meant to be?"
I don't know if I can know that for certain. All I know is that I love you and I want to share my life with you. I have never loved anyone as much as you, and I don't feel like I ever could love anyone as much as I love you. My heart...my existence feels incomplete apart from you. Put simply: I love you and I want to be with you.
Do I believe I could marry you?
Yes, there is no doubt in my mind. Don't get me wrong, marriage is scary to think about, but I am ready to commit everything to you.
Do I believe God can change me into the spiritual leader that I am supposed to be as a male?
I think I am beginning to realize that I cannot become a spiritual leader on my own power. I have tried by my own strength for too long. I have to somehow trust God and give up the reins of my life. He can change me, and He is changing me now. I don't have this figured out, I don't know how to trust God completely, but I know I don't have control and I can't do it on my own, so I have to change something. I have to put my trust in something bigger than me.
I feel like I am beginning to trust God enough to resort to praying to Him. It still seems pretty distant, disconnected, and one-sided, but something about it feels right. It's relieving to admit how fallen and hopeless I am, and to recognize that I need to depend on something bigger than me.
God, you must be present listening to me. What am I apart from being defined by You, my Maker? I know nothing, I have nothing, You are everything. I did not choose existence, I did not choose birth, life, my parents, etc. You must have an ever-present hand in my life. You must orchestrate. You must care. But how can you continue to care when I am so careless? How can you be present when I am so distant? Why do you save me? Why do you care? I do not deserve it
Should I be patient with her? Should I wait longer to pursue her again? I feel like we are supposed to be together, but does she need more time? Do I need more time?
I told her I would wait for her to initiate, but I sincerely desire to be with her now/soon. Do I wait, or do I throw myself out there at her feet, humbly, hopefully with the right intentions?
Maybe she really doesn't want to get back together... I mean, she hasn't contacted me. Maybe she has moved on. Maybe she is content being single, and wants to stay that way for a while. Maybe she has found someone else (?!). Or maybe she has found the comfort and completion in Christ she was searching for. Maybe she doesn't want (to be with) me anymore. She may not need/want me. Maybe....... But I think it's worth it for me to lay my heart out there one last time: to be accepted or crushed. It's worth the risk. She is worth it.
When we broke up, she still loved me. Maybe just emotionally attached, but I have to try! Yes, it will cause us both more pain, but if the letter resolves all of this, it's most definitely worth it. She's worth it. I must put myself out there one last time. I love her
I don't know if I can know that for certain. All I know is that I love you and I want to share my life with you. I have never loved anyone as much as you, and I don't feel like I ever could love anyone as much as I love you. My heart...my existence feels incomplete apart from you. Put simply: I love you and I want to be with you.
Do I believe I could marry you?
Yes, there is no doubt in my mind. Don't get me wrong, marriage is scary to think about, but I am ready to commit everything to you.
Do I believe God can change me into the spiritual leader that I am supposed to be as a male?
I think I am beginning to realize that I cannot become a spiritual leader on my own power. I have tried by my own strength for too long. I have to somehow trust God and give up the reins of my life. He can change me, and He is changing me now. I don't have this figured out, I don't know how to trust God completely, but I know I don't have control and I can't do it on my own, so I have to change something. I have to put my trust in something bigger than me.
I feel like I am beginning to trust God enough to resort to praying to Him. It still seems pretty distant, disconnected, and one-sided, but something about it feels right. It's relieving to admit how fallen and hopeless I am, and to recognize that I need to depend on something bigger than me.
God, you must be present listening to me. What am I apart from being defined by You, my Maker? I know nothing, I have nothing, You are everything. I did not choose existence, I did not choose birth, life, my parents, etc. You must have an ever-present hand in my life. You must orchestrate. You must care. But how can you continue to care when I am so careless? How can you be present when I am so distant? Why do you save me? Why do you care? I do not deserve it
Should I be patient with her? Should I wait longer to pursue her again? I feel like we are supposed to be together, but does she need more time? Do I need more time?
I told her I would wait for her to initiate, but I sincerely desire to be with her now/soon. Do I wait, or do I throw myself out there at her feet, humbly, hopefully with the right intentions?
Maybe she really doesn't want to get back together... I mean, she hasn't contacted me. Maybe she has moved on. Maybe she is content being single, and wants to stay that way for a while. Maybe she has found someone else (?!). Or maybe she has found the comfort and completion in Christ she was searching for. Maybe she doesn't want (to be with) me anymore. She may not need/want me. Maybe....... But I think it's worth it for me to lay my heart out there one last time: to be accepted or crushed. It's worth the risk. She is worth it.
When we broke up, she still loved me. Maybe just emotionally attached, but I have to try! Yes, it will cause us both more pain, but if the letter resolves all of this, it's most definitely worth it. She's worth it. I must put myself out there one last time. I love her
10/9/10
10/4/10
Do I sincerely believe these things?
Will you ever find someone who loves you more than I do?
Not to sound pompous, but no, I don't think there can be another person that could love you more than I do. I think back to the good times between us, I think of the intimate conversations and lasting memories: no one can love you more than I can. My heart is your's. I will love you with my everything: my heart, my soul, my existence... I will give up everything for you. I don't care about my future apart from life with you.
How can I say that there isn't another person out there that would love you as much as I do considering the two times in our relationship that I broke up with you?
I can't give you factual evidence. I can't prove it to you unless you give me another chance. I believe with my whole heart that I can be the person who loves you more than any other person, but you have to trust me. If you don't believe me, or don't believe that I can be that person, then it doesn't matter what I think or believe. I can't be the person who loves you the most if I don't have the opportunity to love you.
How can I say that there isn't another person out there that would love you as much as I do considering the two times in our relationship that I broke up with you?
I can't give you factual evidence. I can't prove it to you unless you give me another chance. I believe with my whole heart that I can be the person who loves you more than any other person, but you have to trust me. If you don't believe me, or don't believe that I can be that person, then it doesn't matter what I think or believe. I can't be the person who loves you the most if I don't have the opportunity to love you.
Will you ever find someone who treats you better or takes care of you better than I would?
No, there cannot possibly be someone that would treat you better. In the past, my treatment of you has wavered, I know that...I am human. There have been definite times that I have not appreciated you and our relationship. There have been times that I have been selfish. There have been times that I really needed to take a step back and mature. But all-in-all, I don't think someone can care for you more than I do. You have my heart. I will cherish and honor you with everything I am. I will protect you and serve you to the death of me.
Will youever find someone who will seeks God more than I do?
Once again, no. I will gladly admit that my pursuit of God has been different than the next person's. I don't have a perfect track record. I have drifted apart from Him, and I will continue to turn my back on Him in the future, it is inevitable. But I will continue to pursue God with my whole heart for the rest of my life. There is no greater calling; pursuing God is life. He gave me everything, so it is only fitting that I give him everything.
Do I truly believe I am best for you?
Two months ago, no. Now, yes. I am still not whole (and I never will be). If you expect a significant other that is complete and perfect, than good luck, because you will be searching forever. But if you want to be with another person who will day in and day out search for God, how we are supposed to connect with Him, how we are supposed to communicate with Him, how we are supposed to worship Him, and how we are supposed to lay down our lives and give up everything for Him, than I believe I can be that man. I believe I can be the support that you need in all aspects of your life; emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. I want nothing more than to be with you through all experiences of life, good and bad.
Do I believe we are supposed to be together?
Do I believe we are supposed to be together?
I don't know if I can say we are supposed to be together. I desire to be with you, and I think that I could very well marry you, but I can't forsee the future. I don't know if you will choose me as I have chosen you. I would like to think we are supposed to be together though.
I say these things, but if you don't believe me, then I am wasting our time. We are not meant to be. That is ok.
"Most men spend a lifetime trying to pick up a conquest; few are committed to orchestrating a relationship blended with God."
10/1/10
Lost in the swarm
Am I forgetting about you? Am I moving on? Does love diffuse? Is the tie between us dissipating? Is my love for you disappearing? Is this what you want? You want me to think less about you and more about God? When I think about you, my heart drops at the loss of our friendship...but I am thinking about you less...
When I do think about you and the loss of our friendship, my heart sinks. Do I still love you? Or do I just miss the comfort of a relationship? It's just so hard for me to think of me moving on in life without you. I mean, yeah, I've been alright these last couple of months without you, but you were such an integral part of my life the last 3 years. I don't want to live my life without you (I think) Do you feel the same? Deep down, do you still love me and want to be with me? What do I know?! What do I even think? What do I want out of this life
Do I really believe Courtney and I are supposed to be together?
Do I believe she can be the person I am going to marry?
How can I know for sure? How can I be certain? I can't deny that I still have feelings for her, but I can't continue to pursue her with 100% assurance that we are "right for each other." I don't freaking know! How can I know?
Courtney: can't we just talk about this?
When I do think about you and the loss of our friendship, my heart sinks. Do I still love you? Or do I just miss the comfort of a relationship? It's just so hard for me to think of me moving on in life without you. I mean, yeah, I've been alright these last couple of months without you, but you were such an integral part of my life the last 3 years. I don't want to live my life without you (I think) Do you feel the same? Deep down, do you still love me and want to be with me? What do I know?! What do I even think? What do I want out of this life
Do I really believe Courtney and I are supposed to be together?
Do I believe she can be the person I am going to marry?
How can I know for sure? How can I be certain? I can't deny that I still have feelings for her, but I can't continue to pursue her with 100% assurance that we are "right for each other." I don't freaking know! How can I know?
Courtney: can't we just talk about this?
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