I want something different. I don't want these same thoughts continuing to consume my thoughts. She texted me the other day "Congratulations" Thanks. Thanks for rekindling the feeling of death I so dearly missed.
Do you really just miss me as a friend? Is that it? Is that all I was to you?
I feel like that isn't the case (or at least that is what I hope). I want to think that you really do miss me as a boyfriend and you still want to be with me, but for some reason you don't want to admit it. But I guess I will only be able to find out if you let me know. So my options are to wait and bleed out, or to give up on you and attempt to move on. Obviously, I don't want to move on, because I still love you, but I have no choice. You have made it clear once again that you "are 100% sure you don't want to be with me." So, separation it shall be...for good. You are gone. Dead. You are out of my life. You don't exist. No doubt, I will continue to think of you daily, but your physical existence in my life is done. I have to give up on you.
It is going to continue to be so tough to move on, when the fact is that whenever I have a free moment it goes directly to thoughts of you. I am pushing myself towards God, but He just isn't the same. I miss the feeling of texting someone often. The hug and embrace. The assurance and confidence. A best friend. And a significant other. But you are dead. same old, same old but the pain doesn't leave
God, why am I not content in you? What are your plans for me? I feel so distant from you, and yet I hear that you are capable of fulfilling me more than a girl ever could. So far that hasn't been the case.
Should I be staying in Dayton? I say that I want something different, and yet Dayton will be the same. I love and need the support, but going away from Dayton would remind me less of you. But then again, if I move away, I may have a ton more free time to think of you and drown myself in self-pity.
As always: God, show yourself to me. Rid me of this pain. Complete me in You.
