So I'm taking a Religious Studies course (that's what UD calls their theology courses for some reason) this semester on St. Augustine. I was hesitant at first for two reasons: 1. I don't know anything about Augustine and 2. It's a 400 level course, so I figured there would be lots of reading and papers involved, and those definitely aren't my forte.
At the first class I felt quite out of place. Not because I felt "below the curve" or anything, for most students taking the course had no prior study of Augustine either. But I felt out of place because I was the only guy. Being an engineering major, I am NEVER the only guy. Usually it's like 80-90% guys. So, I was initially very reserved and hesitant to jump into the class participation. But as time has progressed, I have become more comfortable and willing to contribute. The other students taking the class are all well studied in theology and most contributions are noteworthy.
To the main point: so far, I LOVE Augustine. We are currently reading his autobiography/confession to God of his faith journey until age 43. Even though it was written ~1600 years ago, it's frigging sweet! I have really enjoyed reading his story, and I have related with a lot of what he went through and what he wrote about.
The first thing that I related to was when Augustine wrote about the death of a close friend. He expressed how his life was intertwined with his friend (he goes unnamed) and that it hurt to takes those "roots" out of his life. His friend was established as part of his foundation for life, and it really hurt Augustine to lose him. Obviously, I relate this to my semi-recent loss of MCM. She hasn't died, but she has figuratively died to me. I feel the same pain and suffering as I continue to pull the roots of our friendship out of my foundation for life.
I also really related with his doubts/questions about Christianity and life in general. He is a stubborn intellectual, and he doesn't just accept things blindly. He questions God's characteristics, he questions his motivation, his thought process, everything. And the things he questions are thing I have also spent some time pondering. Things like: the problem of evil, God's "essence", and how free will works. He admits that his will to do the opposite of what God's will, and that is holding him back in his faith. It's not some outside force or problem, but it's himself holding himself back in his faith. He, in his heart, isn't ready to take the "leap to faith."
Below is an excerpt from Confessions. Augustine writes this in reflection of his mother's death. I relate it in that I feel like MCM died out of my life.
Why then did I suffer sharp pains of inward grief? It must have been the fresh wound caused by the break in the habit formed by our living together (or for me, spending a lot of time with her), a very affectionate and precious bond suddenly torn apart... How that I had lost the immense support she gave, my soul was wounded, and my life as it were torn to pieces, since my life and hers had become a single thing... And because it caused my such sharp displeasure to see how much power these human frailties had over me, though they are a necessary part of the order we have to endure and are the lot of the human condition, there was another pain to put on top of me grief, and I was tortured by a twofold sadness.
My idea of the "massiveness" of God has really been changed because of reading Augustine's Confessions. I have always "known" that God is huge, and that he is a "spiritual" being (whatever that means), but Augustine really helped me to understand that God isn't made up of physical matter. He is bigger than that. He is outside our mind's framework of understanding of existence. Our world isn't a sponge and he is the sea that encapsulates us. I feel like no material illustration can grasp who God is and how he must interact with our world. He is always present, but not physically. He is right here he with us, but not spatially close at all. He is bigger than the physical parameters that we feeble humans think he has to have. He cannot fit into our box. He is bigger than our mind can possibly understand.
We also talked about time, and how it relates to us and God. It is an awesome thing to ponder, in my opinion. The concept that God is outside of time, and just IS, well, is crazy! He is, or as he says, "I AM." He is just as present now as he was when I was on a "spiritual high," or when Jesus died, or Hitler ran the show. He was, is, and always will be. He is present in every moment of my life to the same personal degree, and he does that for each person in the world, that has every lived! He is that big. He has to care...
Below is an excerpt from Confessions. Augustine writes this in reflection of his mother's death. I relate it in that I feel like MCM died out of my life.
Why then did I suffer sharp pains of inward grief? It must have been the fresh wound caused by the break in the habit formed by our living together (or for me, spending a lot of time with her), a very affectionate and precious bond suddenly torn apart... How that I had lost the immense support she gave, my soul was wounded, and my life as it were torn to pieces, since my life and hers had become a single thing... And because it caused my such sharp displeasure to see how much power these human frailties had over me, though they are a necessary part of the order we have to endure and are the lot of the human condition, there was another pain to put on top of me grief, and I was tortured by a twofold sadness.
My idea of the "massiveness" of God has really been changed because of reading Augustine's Confessions. I have always "known" that God is huge, and that he is a "spiritual" being (whatever that means), but Augustine really helped me to understand that God isn't made up of physical matter. He is bigger than that. He is outside our mind's framework of understanding of existence. Our world isn't a sponge and he is the sea that encapsulates us. I feel like no material illustration can grasp who God is and how he must interact with our world. He is always present, but not physically. He is right here he with us, but not spatially close at all. He is bigger than the physical parameters that we feeble humans think he has to have. He cannot fit into our box. He is bigger than our mind can possibly understand.
We also talked about time, and how it relates to us and God. It is an awesome thing to ponder, in my opinion. The concept that God is outside of time, and just IS, well, is crazy! He is, or as he says, "I AM." He is just as present now as he was when I was on a "spiritual high," or when Jesus died, or Hitler ran the show. He was, is, and always will be. He is present in every moment of my life to the same personal degree, and he does that for each person in the world, that has every lived! He is that big. He has to care...
