I feel like I always journal about the same thing: crap with the ex...(so weird saying ex...), but that is what continues to consume my thoughts.
My life is pretty much made up of these things:
1. getting over her
2. trying to pursue God
3. trying to figure out my future (what I want to do and what I'm going to do)
4. other misc things (school, social interactions, sports, music, etc.)
The fact is, she still continues to be the #1 thing I think about (depending on the day, I suppose). I do feel like I am thinking about her less, but if I am not busy my brain goes to her (this is what is happening now). Is is healthy for me to busy myself so that I don't have the down time to think about her? I have been trying to fill my life with being obedient and pursuing God, but I have not felt the completion (or the movement towards completion) I desire. I know that I never will feel 100% completion...esta impossible. Pero, quierolo. Comprendes? (I wish I still took Spanish. Suede, help me with this...). [scatter brained much?]
Can I sincerely let go of you? I think about how you surely have moved on. When we talked last, it sounded like you had already moved on, that thinking about me wasn't a problem for you. I suppose you have found the "surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus your Lord".... I have not found that. When I think about how it seems like you have moved on past me, it makes me think that I have to move on to, and that I can. But the hope of a life with you still glimmers in the darkness of my heart. Why can't that glimmer be extinguished? Do I sincerely love you, or can I just not let go of the "easiness" and familiarity of a life with you? Farts!!!!
So I consistently have had this tension (since day one of break up) that I can't figure out if I really do love you, or if I just want to be with you because it would be easy... I suppose it's a bad sign that I can't determine if it's true love....farts. But seriously! How can I move on if I am unsure if I should obsessively pursue you or forget about you? That is what is holding me back, I think...
But when I do think about how you have probably moved on, my heart/stomach/morale/faith/soul drop... It's hard for me to think about you and think that you have forgotten about me. I don't want you to forget about me! I want to be yours! Can your mind be changed without me planting thoughts
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I kind of want God, but potentially, in reality, my motives are selfish (completion, assurance, happiness). But I still feel like I don't understand or appreciate God (and his gifts/love) to the extent in which I will be able to sincerely want Him (instead of his gifts). I should want God primarily, not his gifts. I should want Him, in part, because of His gifts, but primarily just because of who He is (right?). But the reality is that I don't.
Sometimes I really feel like I am pursuing Christian faith completely blindly. I tell myself that I am being obedient...but I'm essentially pursuing God blindly. I suppose that is the definition of faith, but I suppose my "humanness" still desires proof, explanation, assurance...something to know that I am not crazy! Sometimes I think I feel you, God, but most of the time I don't feel you. My faith is in my head, not my heart. I don't really communicate with you. Communication with an omniscient, omnipotent, eternal being is awkward...How does it work?
I desire to pursue God intellectually, but the motivation for this is selfish...I desire to know more for myself, to be smarter, to talk smarter, etc. I don't sincerely want to know more about God, especially not for His glory.
How can I change? How can these fundamental faults possibly change within me? I can't do it. My doubts and hesitancy consume me.
