I haven't been able to journal as much lately, or at least I haven't chosen to do so. Sad face. It does help me to journal. It gives me a way to keep track of my thoughts/feelings, so that I can better process what I am going through and hopefully grow through/from it. The student supervisor job is taking a lot of my time during these first two weeks of training. Plus I have actual desk shifts alongside of training (that is why I am awake now). Thankfully, because I have a semi-consistent schedule from training, I have been able to discipline myself to get up early in the morning so that I can get some time reading the Bible to start my day. On that note: why do I struggle to persuade myself to read the Bible daily, when during or after reading the Bible, I am so encouraged and uplifted? Why is it a daily struggle for me to open it up when I see the benefits every time? Is it because it takes thought and effort, and it's just easier to zone out? I don't understand myself... I hope to continue to stay disciplined into the school year with getting daily "T in da W."
I wonder how much time will have to pass until there is a day (or maybe I should start with an hour) that I don't think about MCM and our lost relationship... Because that is what it's like now. An hour doesn't pass without something reminding me of her, or me just thinking about her. Where does the balance lay (lie?...stupid English) between thinking about her, mourning, etc. (which I think is healthy and normal to an extent), and moving on, forgetting about her, or just busying myself so that I don't think about her? Should I not take time by myself to sulk? Is it unhealthy to have self-pity at this time?
Where are you? How are you doing? I pray this breakup hasn't been as hard on you, as it has me. I pray and hope that you are finding support in others, loved ones that you can count on, people that lead you to Christ in ways I obviously couldn't (and still can't). I pray and hope that news aspects of your relationship with God are being revealed to you, and that you are trusting in Him as your source of life daily and the foundation of your life. I pray that I can also come around to this someday. I hope you are happy, amidst all the pain that has occurred for both of us this summer, and will surely continue for some time. I pray that you can be content in trusting in God for your future, and I pray you can trust God to take care of me too. I also hope to trust in God for my future. I pray you get to know each "head" of the Trinity with deep intimacy, dependence, and confidence. Put your "chips in" on God, not fellow humans. God can be depended upon, I cannot be.
How can a limited, imperfect mortal grasp eternal smoke and fire? Why would said smoke and fire share itself with mortals? How could a mere mortal possibly enter and then develop a "personal relationship" with smoke and fire? Oh, limited capacities.....
