It's over. We are done for good. It was a great relationship. I grew tons, and I hope you did too. To this day I still don't completely understand it, but I have to trust you and God that this really is best. I still love you, and it's gonna take some time for me to not love you, but I will move on. I have no choice. It was a good ending, I suppose. I am glad that we were able to provide closure to our relationship face-to-face rather than over the phone or via text. The end wasn't necessarily mutual (as I have expressed for months now), but we were on the same page. I understood/understand your thought process, and I respect it. But that doesn't make it less hard for me to accept, and it doesn't make it any less painful. I see you as an amazing woman of God, and it's hard for me to trust God enough to think that I will ever meet someone better than you (or just better for me). And like I said, it's very difficult for me not to beat myself up when you express that you feel like you just need someone "different." How am I not supposed to think that I am just not good enough for you? But anyway, it was a good relationship. I believed I experienced much joy and maturity. I learnt a lot about myself, about relationships, and about God. I hope you grew too; I think you did, but obviously not enough towards the end of our relationship...sorry, I am reacting bitterly.
It was great spending that time with you. It was like old times. We felt like friends again, like bf and gf. But now that I think about my stomach wrenches in a knot because I know that it will never be like that again. WHY? God, I don't understand! I love this girl! She is the desire of my heart, and you promise that you will grant us the desire of our heart! Why can't it be?! We shouldn't have hung out like that....it makes me so mad, because it just seems so right for us to be together...
I know you know best, God. It's just so hard to accept and to trust you. We shouldn't have hung out like that. It only replanted the roots we have in each other's hearts, and then we had to rip them out and slice them again. So now I am forced to forget about you. To forget about the girl I love. Forget about the relationship that I thought would be the only relationship I would ever experience. I was ready to commit my all to you...dang. I was wrong.
God, I was planning out my life. I was trying to plan out my successful future. I obviously don't know best, because I messed up (as I have over and over again). But how can I trust you that you know best when you are so far away?
And this break up digs at my flesh even more because of that connection... I don't want to know! Don't keep me involved. If it is God's will, then so be it. I don't care. You don't need my permission; I don't want to know. Just go for it behind my back. You are obviously "different" than me. I just want to break the ties........
I am a control freak, I know this. But I still think I had the right to know. Was it better not to tell me?
