Do I believe we are "meant to be?"
I don't know if I can know that for certain. All I know is that I love you and I want to share my life with you. I have never loved anyone as much as you, and I don't feel like I ever could love anyone as much as I love you. My heart...my existence feels incomplete apart from you. Put simply: I love you and I want to be with you.
Do I believe I could marry you?
Yes, there is no doubt in my mind. Don't get me wrong, marriage is scary to think about, but I am ready to commit everything to you.
Do I believe God can change me into the spiritual leader that I am supposed to be as a male?
I think I am beginning to realize that I cannot become a spiritual leader on my own power. I have tried by my own strength for too long. I have to somehow trust God and give up the reins of my life. He can change me, and He is changing me now. I don't have this figured out, I don't know how to trust God completely, but I know I don't have control and I can't do it on my own, so I have to change something. I have to put my trust in something bigger than me.
I feel like I am beginning to trust God enough to resort to praying to Him. It still seems pretty distant, disconnected, and one-sided, but something about it feels right. It's relieving to admit how fallen and hopeless I am, and to recognize that I need to depend on something bigger than me.
God, you must be present listening to me. What am I apart from being defined by You, my Maker? I know nothing, I have nothing, You are everything. I did not choose existence, I did not choose birth, life, my parents, etc. You must have an ever-present hand in my life. You must orchestrate. You must care. But how can you continue to care when I am so careless? How can you be present when I am so distant? Why do you save me? Why do you care? I do not deserve it
Should I be patient with her? Should I wait longer to pursue her again? I feel like we are supposed to be together, but does she need more time? Do I need more time?
I told her I would wait for her to initiate, but I sincerely desire to be with her now/soon. Do I wait, or do I throw myself out there at her feet, humbly, hopefully with the right intentions?
Maybe she really doesn't want to get back together... I mean, she hasn't contacted me. Maybe she has moved on. Maybe she is content being single, and wants to stay that way for a while. Maybe she has found someone else (?!). Or maybe she has found the comfort and completion in Christ she was searching for. Maybe she doesn't want (to be with) me anymore. She may not need/want me. Maybe....... But I think it's worth it for me to lay my heart out there one last time: to be accepted or crushed. It's worth the risk. She is worth it.
When we broke up, she still loved me. Maybe just emotionally attached, but I have to try! Yes, it will cause us both more pain, but if the letter resolves all of this, it's most definitely worth it. She's worth it. I must put myself out there one last time. I love her
