Paragraph from My Utmost from June 12: “Pride is the sin of making “self” our god. And some of us today do this, not like the Pharisee, but like the tax collector (see Luke 18:9-14). For you to say, “Oh, I’m no saint,” is acceptable by human standards of pride, but it is unconscious blasphemy against God. You defy God to make you a saint, as if to say, “I am too weak and hopeless and outside of the reach of the atonement by the Cross of Christ.” Why aren’t you a saint? It is either that you do not want to be a saint, or that you do not believe that God can make you into one. You say it would be all right if God saved you and took you straight to heaven. That is exactly what He will do! And not only do we make our home with Him, but Jesus said of His Father and Himself, “We will come to him and make Our home with him” (John 14:23). Put no conditions on your life – let Jesus be everything to you, and He will take you home with Him not only for a day, but for eternity.”
My stubbornness to not talk about myself: A relationship is two people sharing their lives with each other. Courtney enjoys hearing about me and my day. --- Why is it so hard for me to believe this? Do I have that terrible of an opinion of myself? Why am I reluctant to share with her? Is the blame that I put on my inability to remember and retell about my day legitimate, or am I just using it as an excuse? Is my humility that of human pressure, and being so, am I putting myself at a lower level than I should be in the scale of worth? Am I putting myself at the level that I think that God cannot save me? Am I limiting God’s saving power? But at the same time, I know I put myself on pedestal of superior awareness and knowledge as compared to others. I hold myself as more “enlightened” compared to others. They can accept without questioning to the level that, which I don’t think is right, and yet I am the one tearing myself up from the inside, and they are living in the comfort of God’s love and grace. How can I let go? How can I take that leap to faith? How can I let go of the hold and control I have of my life? I have grown accustomed to making the decisions and not trusting outside of myself, and my cognitive abilities. How can I humble myself from my pedestal of superior awareness, and yet not continue to humble myself to the point that I think that God can’t save me? It seems obvious that I need all of this to be less about me, and more about God. Both of these humility problems echo the fact that I am selfish and my life surrounds my desires and wants.
I need to put myself in comparison to God. This will put both of these problems in perspective. I am a human. I am finite. I am imperfect. I do not have all knowledge, and I cannot attain all knowledge. I do not have all the power, and I cannot attain all the power. I cannot save myself. I cannot perfect myself. And because of these finite traits and imperfections, I cannot complete myself. I cannot provide for myself the love, comfort, attention, and completion that I need and desire. And because all people are the same as me (finite and imperfect), they also cannot provide for me the love, comfort, attention, and completion that I need and desire. The only being that can wipe my slate clean and complete me is God. But at the same time, I do have worth and significance in Christ. I am not dirt. And the biggest difference is that the foundation of my significance is not in me, but God. Apart from God, I am dirt. I have no purpose, worth, significance apart from God.
Analyze our relationship over the last 2.5 years, the good and the bad, not our current relationship. Don't be so stubbornly self-righteous and proud. You are nothing. You are so full of faults
If I truly love her I won't ignore her and give up hope. I'll put the effort forth and sacrifice my desires. I'll process and figure things out
What grace add-ons do I have in my life? Jesus plus what? God's grace plus what?
Creating my own form of Christianity that others don't conform to. A superior form. If others don't conform, they are wrong and aren't Christian or aren't saved. --- It's all about Jesus. He is our commonality and core thing to keep us united
Trying to work out my faith on my own by my own power. Earning it. But faith is a gift from God. I can't solve it or work it out. I have to submit, surrender, and trust that God will take care of me. He provides the faith.
Is my purpose, motivation, and desire for faith legitimately for God, or is it so that I can be with Courtney? She brings me a lot of comfort and love. Do I desire that more than the comfort and love God can give me? Am I putting her on a pedestal instead of God? Is she my god? Am I seeking her for the perfect love, comfort, and attention that I know only God can give me?
