I haven’t felt like journaling lately. Most of what I have felt lately is quite depressing. I don’t desire to put effort forth. I don’t desire to talk to anyone. I just feel like shutting down; I don’t really want to be here at GMS anymore. I mean I love my small group; they are a light in the darkness, but it just is so painful and depressing outside of time solely with them. I just feel like wallowing in self pity, swimming in pain and grief, drowning, selfishly sulking, giving up... I don’t know exactly what has caused this, although surely some of it can be credited to the definite break up and separation of Courtney and me. My hope was in our relationship, and that hope has been destroyed. Right after the break up I tried to run to God and convince myself that I can rely on Him and that I should put my hope in Him, but that I am just relying on my head knowledge of what my relationship with God is supposed to be like. My heart isn’t there yet, and that is why I think I feel so depressed right now. I don’t have a foundation. I just want to get away. I don’t want to have to see her everyday like I have been. I try to keep everything together, and I can put up quite the front, but when I get time by myself, I re-realize how desperate for hope I am. I know (some or most) God’s promises for me in my life, but I don’t believe them in my heart. They don’t have any implications on my life. I have been trying to convince myself of God’s reliability, but my heart just isn’t there. And this next year scares me so much. I had plans, God effed em up (well, he made me aware of the fact that they were my plans, and he has different plans for me). I had assurance. I had some stability; a false stability of a mediocre relationship with Courtney. But in reality, I didn’t have much stability at all. But anyway, now I have nothing. I have one more semester at college, and I don’t have any close friends. Don’t get me wrong, Steve and Byron are good guys, but I just don’t have the personal relationship with them like I had with Courtney and Riley. Next year scares the crap out of me. I have no clue what I am going to do after college. This next semester is scary. This next stage of life is scary. I just thought I could rely on her for one stable part of my life. I would continue to pursue her, and potentially make a lifelong relationship with her. And that seemingly stable part of my life is gone.
Courtney and I have had random conversations over the last couple of days, most of them just being logistical. A couple things continue to tie us together as we leave this program: she brought my bike here on her bike rack; we are heading the same direction for numerous hours, so she thought the idea of caravanning may be a good idea (although it will surely twist the dagger more); and she doesn’t really have a place to stay on the way back to split up her trip, so she is considering staying at my brother’s house on Saturday night with me. This is so hard for me, because I want to be present for her to help her, but at the same time, if we are done, I know that any more time together is just making this process of separating our hearts more and more painful. I don’t know what to do. Should I just break ties completely and say, “Good riddance; I need to protect my heart. You are on your own.” Or should I reach out and help her? I desire so much to help her, but I poisoning myself at the same time.
And it’s so hard for me, because I know her, and I know she is going through so much pain while I am here. I just want to relieve the pain for both of us by just disappearing. I know her better than anyone else here, and I know that she is seeking unhealthy way of coping. But no one else sees it. What am I supposed to do? If I reach out to her I feel like I am engaging our hearts, but if I don’t reach out to her, she will continue to hurt herself with these coping mechanisms that no one else in the program is aware of, only me. What do I do in this situation? Should I tell one of her teammates, or her mentor, or one of the other girl team leaders? It’s hard for me to decide to do this, because I don’t know if they will understand the fullness of what she is going through and her history of this coping mechanism. And of course, I want to be that person who supports her, not someone else. I know her! She is my best friend! Not someone else’s; it’s not fair. I want to be that person who she relies on. I want to be the shoulder she cries on. Or do I just let it go? Do I trust God that he will take care of her and her dependence on this coping mechanism? Do I let it go and cross my fingers? Ultimately, I don’t trust God, and so I feel like I have to take it into my own hands, but I don’t know if that is the best idea. It’s just not healthy for her to not tell anyone else about this, about what she is going through. I think I am the only one who knows. There is something definitely wrong about that. Of all people here this summer to know about what she is going through, I do, and I don’t feel like I can act like I should to help her. She is not well. I’m scared for her. I want to hold her and protect her. I want to be in communication with her. I want to know about her life; I want to be in her life. I want to care for her.
Jon sent out this; it hits home: "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." Proverbs 18:1 This is so true for me. I am isolating myself. I just feel so turned off to this program as of late. I want to move on. I want to get out of here.
I just don’t want to be here anymore. My heart is dead on the floor. I am so turned off. I hate coming back to Jeanne Mance. I purposefully get up earlier in the morning so that I can leave earlier, so that my time at the dorm is shorter. I am constantly alienating myself, and for that reason I feel infinitely distant from the rest of the group. I don’t feel like I’m a part of the group, and frankly I don’t want to be. This summer is pretty much filled with sad and angry emotions, and I just want to move on. I’ve had enough of it. God has done his work. I have nothing. So let me escape. Let me leave. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME. GOD? Why am I here still? I don’t like this at all. My heart is dead. Rid me of this place, this pain. All just bad memories. So selfish, so destructive, so distant. Why God? Why did it have to be like this? Why?! I can see where you are teaching me to depend on you. I see that. But why still the pain. Does it still have to be the tool you use to mold me? Is there not another way?
How am I supposed to feel at home in this program? I don’t want to share with everyone. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I just don’t feel at home here, and I feel like we are leaving so soon, so I don’t want to share with anyone. I just want to move on to the next stage of my life. But should I be considering putting myself out there? It’s so hard for me to think I should be sharing with these people when I’m not that close to 90% of them, and I’m only going to be here for 6 more days. I just want to move on................ Let me leave. Let me move on. Help me to let go of the grasp (that I create) that her presence has on me. Her presence consumes me. I feel like I have nothing to give, because I am completely drained by her being here. If this is the way it is going to be, then I just want her out of my life for some time. I can’t handle being around her. I don’t know if I cause this pain on myself, or if she is to blame, but regardless, it is awfully painful, and I want no more of it. But I know I shouldn’t just desire the end of this pain. I should desire God most, and then what God wants for me after that, pain and all. God, help me to desire you and only you
