I had a pretty good weekend with the guys and with God on the men’s weekend. I didn’t have to think about MCM too much, and it was nice to be able to focus my time on me and my relationship with God. But as soon as we get back, there is the suggestion to go out as a group to eat dinner, and she is going. My initial reaction is a stomach churning, ‘no’. I don’t want to go. But how am I supposed to get along this summer if I don’t eventually face the facts, and move on? How can I be in a joyous mood and enjoy myself with her there? I would just want to vomit. My insides churn. How can I move on? How can I act normal? And I felt like I made some good steps forward this weekend. I am stepping out there a bit to try out this relate openness dealio. God, what should I do? How can I be myself? Teach me. Mold me. I want to trust you that this is all for good and you have a plan for both her and me. I don’t necessarily want you to show me what is going on, or to reassure to me that this is right, but I would love for you to continue to make me who you want. I want to sincerely desire you. Help me to disconnect my dependency on myself. Help to see outside of myself, to look to you in all situations.
This part from my mom got me thinking:
"Please remember ur not supposed to be just where God wants u to be, otherwise u' d be dead, that' what ur LIFETIME is for!!!"
Maybe we are supposed to be together as we are growing in our faith. Irk, this just seems like a terribly rotten way to share a summer. So painful. I love you. You are my best friend. I f***ing hate this
