I suppose I can’t help but think she is right. It’s so freaking hard, but she has really put the effort forth in this decision process, and who am I to say that her decision doesn’t line up with God’s will? --I feel so ungrounded; so undefined; like I am floating purposeless, meaningless. I am angry at her and yet I can’t be, because she made a tough, but probably right decision. It’s still hard for me to understand and be reconciled to this breakup when I know that I love her and she loves me! I can’t get over that fact. Something deep in me says, “We can work through this! We love each other!” --But maybe I don’t truly love her. If I truly love her, I should let her go.
--God, I have no foundation anymore. You have stripped me of my comforts and I want to believe it’s for my good. As much as I hate this, please continue to break me at the appropriate times that you see fit. Bend, mold, break, and rebuild me how you need to so that I can let go of all my desires. Increase my desire to know you; decrease my desire for the pleasures and comforts of this world. Help me to see how what this world has to offer me is nothing compared to a relationship with you. Increase my joy that I find that is in you. I want to be molded so that I leap for joy at the thought of you and your love. Help me to understand the love you have for me. Make me aware of how sinful I am, and how much I am in need of you. Help me to understand how deep and unconditional your love is for me. Stress to me that your love is not dependent on my works or effort. You gave your grace and love freely. Undeserved favor. Humble me; put me in my place. Break my pride in myself, my works, my ‘selfishness’, my awareness, and my intellect. Break my stubbornness and my cynical and critical attitude. Help me to find myself in you.
