Journal Entry - 7/18/2010

     As seems to be the pattern of the summer, things have changed direction once again.  When I start to harden my heart and move on from the possibility of a relationship with Courtney and kind of find peace in not having Courtney in my life, a light shines through and there seems to be hope for us again.  So we have been talking more than the last couple of weeks, which of course I love.  And it’s not just texting conversations; it’s legitimately spending time together and talking intentionally.  It brings me so much joy to hear about her life and be a part of it.  I love being able to talk to her; it has been so hard being so close to her (as in the same room) and not being able to talk to her and hear about her life and how the summer is going for her.  And potentially the worst of that is the fact that we are both going through pain because of this breakup, and we can’t look to each other (our best friend for the last 2.5 years) to share with and find comfort from.  I mean, I know that ultimately we need to find comfort and love in God, but I also believe we, as God’s creation, can be channels of God’s love and comfort to each other.  Like my dad said, I think a relationship should be two individuals trying to seek God together and obviously not being perfect in any form while doing it.  Life partners:  sharing life together.  Getting to know each other, challenging each other, spurring one another on, supporting each other.  Obviously, because we are finite, sinful humans, we will never be able to attain a relationship with an infinite, perfect God in the most dependent and whole way.  That shouldn’t be an excuse for us not to pursue a more whole dependent relationship with God, because ultimately He is the only one we can depend on, but God gave us humans relationships and marriage for a reason.  It wasn’t a thoughtless creation on His part.  I believe he created the possibility of such a close relationship with another human to mirror what a relationship with Him should be like.  Once again, neither relationship (with God or with another human) can be perfect, but the relationship with another human can most definitely shed light on with God had (and has) planned for us in a relationship with Him.  A human-human relationship gives us insight on God and his love.  Selfless, sacrificial, unmerited, and irrational at times.

            On Friday (7/16/2010), I played some basketball with the boys around 8pm, and I had also purchased a ticket to see Inception with a big group with the movie starting at 9:15.  So I got back to Jeann Mance at 9, so I had to rush if I was going to make the movie.  But when I got back, Courtney was outside chilling and reading.  I approached her and started talking to her (because I love talking to her :-), and we chatted for a while.  I asked her what her plans were for the evening with my intentions being to see if we could possibly hang out.  So I ended up skipping the movie (even though I had purchased a ticket), and hanging out with her.  I loved it!  I mean, it was hard at times, because neither of us know where God and life will take us in the next couple of weeks, but it was just so nice being able to talk to my best friend.  I miss her so much.  It was very encouraging.  I know that I can’t put my hope in a life with her, but how can I possibly not react happily?  She still isn’t sure of what is to become of us, and I have tried to put as little pressure on her as I can, because I know she is in a tough position with this decision.  She knows I want to be with her, so it’s up to her to decide our future.  She is struggling because one day she will be 100% sure that we are not supposed to be together, and then the next day she will be torn, because her feelings pull her the opposite way.  And she feels bad because she realizes how she has been oscillating back in forth, but I tried to reassure her that it is OK.  I know she isn’t doing it on purpose, and I know she has a tough decision.  And I know that by choosing to love her and pursue her, I know I am setting myself up for pain and disappointment.  I know that when I put my heart out there, there is the possibility of it being broken; is that not love?  Putting yourself out there with the possibility of being really hurt by the other person?  But it is OK with me, because I think it is worth the risk.  The risk of pain is worth it for me because this could resolve and we could get back together.  And that possibility of getting back together is why I risk the pain.  I also expressed to her that I thought that if we left this summer in Vermont still being separate, that I thought the possibilities of us getting back together drop significantly.  Although I do think there is possibility of us getting back together after this, it’s hard for me to have a lot of hope for us, because she will be back with her family and trying to discern what she is going to do with the rest of her life, and I will be back at school focused on schoolwork and trying to figure out what I am going to do in December after I graduate.  When I expressed this to her, she reminded me that God is bigger than all this, and that if we do leave this summer training program apart, that if we are meant to be together that it will end up working out.  I agree, but I also know that if we leave, I am going to really harden my heart and move on from her.  I just suppose it would be a lot easier if when we left this summer, we were definite in our relationship.  But she is right, God will work it out.  I need to trust in him regardless of what happens.

            And then yesterday (Saturday, 7/17/2010), we didn’t have intentional one-on-one time together like we did on Friday, but we were still able to hang out in a group setting and interact like old times (almost as if we were in a relationship), and I love it so much.  I am just glad to once again be comfortable around her and be able to be myself.  It’s not the painful ignoring each other like the previous weeks.  We would talk on and off, and make eye contact pretty often.....Kind of sad how much this affects my mood and morale....I suppose most people would call it love....hmmmm.  And also we played ultimate Frisbee later than night together and we were on the same team, and it is just so enjoyable for me to be able to interact with her again on a regular basis.  Full of happiness :-)  I suppose that I hope that it is God’s will for us to be together, and I hope that the process of Courtney’s decision isn’t too stressful and painful for her in the next weeks.  And I hope that it is best for us and that we can be intentional with our time and really passionately and purposefully pursue God together.  It really gets me excited to think about this.  I hope that I am not disappointed, but I know there is definitely a good probability that will occur.  I need not “bet the farm” on us getting back together.  Keep your fingers crossed, but keep your foundation in Him who I can truly rely on.

            I desire to be a relationship with Courtney (still through all of this pain), because I see in her someone who I would be honored to share life with.  She is such a light.  She is so joyous when something about God or her faith is revealed to her.  Her passion is unparalled in anyone I know.  She is such a joy and an encourager.  I not only love to be with her and have lots of fun with her, but I believe at my deepest I love her because she loves God.  She is passionate about her faith and her pursuit of knowing God.  I desire the same desire that she has for God.  And of course, I plain old love the girl.  I want to provide for her, share with her, be vulnerable with her, grow with her, change with her, the whole shabang... 

            But at the same time, I also need to determine within myself and my pursuit of a serious relationship with Courtney whether my this pursuit of her is because I legitimately love her and I desire to be with her as an individual, or if it just my general desire to be with someone.  I think it is easier for me to desire to be with her, because we have already invested so much time and love in our relationship, because if this relationship ends, it means I have to start over in my pursuit of a life partner.  I don’t think that that is my core motivation in pursuing her; I believe I do want to be with her for her, and not for the fact that a relationship is comfortable.  But thinking about our relationship in the past, the two times we have taken “breaks” before this one were because I initiated the breakup because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with her for her, and not just for the comfort of a relationship.  So that scares me a bit.  I don’t want to break her heart anymore.  After this summer, say we do get back together, I don’t want to break up again after a couple months because once again, I am unsure if I want to be with her for her or just for a relationship....urgh.

Journal Entry - 7/16/2010

            So Courtney and I talked for a bit last night.  I don’t think either of us had the intention of talking about serious stuff, but it ended up happening.  It is hard for me to talk to her because I desire to persuade, direct, swoon, coerce (whatever you want to call it) to be with me, but at the same time I desire to love her and direct her to what is best for her.  Obviously, I don’t know what is best for her (even she doesn’t know that at this point).  But I don’t want to be together just because I convinced her to be with me.  I want her to be with me if and only if she, on her own, determines it is what is best for her and it is what she desires.

            Just like a couple weeks ago, we mainly talked about how the ball is still in her court.  I have picked a side in the decision of whether we should be together or not: I want to be together.  She still is wavering back and forth.  It is hard for me to relate and understand what she is going through, because I only see glimpses of what she is going through.  I see her happy to talk to me.  I see her in pain because of being apart, and for that reason, it is very hard for me to understand why we aren’t together.  She seems to be wrestling with her feelings and thoughts.  On one hand, she feels “called” by God to not be with me.  On the other hand she seemingly desires to be with me and loves me.  She seems to contradict herself.  She seems to be sure of the decision one day, and then do a 180 and feel completely differently the next day.  I don’t understand.  She seems to wrestle her feelings, emotions, and thoughts about the situation, so that what she thinks is God’s will can win out.  Once again, I have no right to say something is or is not God’s will, but it just seems wrong to me that she seems to suppress or circumnavigate her feelings so that what she thinks God’s will is can be.  I feel like there needs to be some sort of balance.  I have no idea where that balance is, but it seems like there has to be a happy medium.  I don’t know, I suppose I could be completely wrong in thinking this, for I don’t have a good relationship with God and his will, and I don’t understand how that works.

1on1 time with Ben Courtemanche:

I asked him if we could talk about how to a Christian husband.  His life experiences so far.  How does one be the spiritual leader in the relationship?  We didn’t really delve into it that deep yet.  He gave me a couple questions to ponder until the next time we meet up.  The questions are:

What does it mean to me to be a man?

What does it mean to me to be the spiritual head/leader of a relationship?

How do I get there?

            Hopefully I will get around to answering these questions eventually...

            I also asked him about his thoughts of the Holy Spirit, being that I don’t relate to or understand the HS at all.  He told me about a story in which he felt “called/directed/spurned/etc” to go a different route to where his car was parked compared to the route he would usually take.  He expressed how he ran into a student who he mentored more than a year prior to that at Dartmouth College, where he was stationed to do EDGE Corps before he went on staff with Navs at UVM.  He just ran into the guy and had a great conversation with him.  He expressed that that was one of two times in his life he felt called to something in a supernatural way, and that there isn’t much explanation outside of the HS doing work. 

            He also said that he was going to get me in contact with his friend Dom.  Dom came and spoke at one of our Nav Nights earlier in the summer.  I remember feeling like I could really connect to what Dom was saying, not just because he is an engineer, but mainly because he connects with God on and intellectual level that I admire and desire.  And Ben said Dom has much study in the HS, how he works, and how a relationship/connection with him works.  I really look forward to this possibility, because, as I have probably already expressed, I believe a lot of what is hindering me in my faith is my lack of understanding and relationship with the HS.

Some journaling I did right after meeting with Ben; very encouraged:

            So much do I desire deep down within me to give You credit.  To embrace this life outside of myself.  To live for something more.  To embrace your massivity.  There is so much more I desire to know, understand, and embrace.  I want to love you and to give up trying this life on my own.  The life of faith you designed is so captivating.  I want to be consumed and convinced.  Help me to let go of selfish and worldly ties, so that I can pursue you with my whole heart.  I want to be optimistic.

Journal Entry - 7/15/2010

     Courtney and I have been talking a lot more via text the last two days or so.  Mostly expressing to each other how much this sucks, and if talking about it face to face would help each other at all.  I expressed to her that I think that there may be some benefits to this break up, but I also can’t be sure it is “best.”  Right from the get-go when we started this ‘breakup process,’ I expressed to her that I still wanted to be together.  I thought our love for each other could overcome our problems.  I wanted (and still want) to pursue God with her.  I think my relationship with her would allow (or allowed) me to have a different perspective on a relationship with God that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

            I do sincerely believe we can pursue God together.  Obviously, we would have to be more intentional this go-around, but I do think we can do it.  My heart is coming back around to Christianity, and I can’t think of another person in this world that I would rather pursue God with and struggle with.  Like my dad said, I am pursuing a life partner, and I want my life partner to be her (I think).  I at least want to be with her, so I can determine if she is “the one.”

Journal Entry - 7/13/2010

             So MCM and I conversed a good amount last night via text.  I expressed how I couldn’t quite reconcile myself to our break up or understand completely when I know I love her and I’m pretty sure she loves me.  Once again, she took what I said and supported her decision, or her knowing that it’s God’s will to not be together.  She is sure of it.

            Who am I to question whether or not it is God’s will?  And who am I to go against God’s will?

            She is probably right anyway.  I am probably not ready for a healthy, Godly relationship.  I don’t know how much she is thinking of me and my best interest, because I hope she is thinking of her best interest, but it is probably best for me too, even amidst all the pain.

            So now I suppose I begin the process of really loving her by letting her go.  This is definitely not going to be easy.  I definitely foresee myself being on the brink of giving up many times in the future.  I just need to accept that this, in the end, is probably best for us individually.  I need to let go of my desire to have this part of my life under control and I need to let go of the ties of my life I still have attached to her.  I need to love her and respect her correct, but hard decision.  She is thinking correctly.  She made the decision knowing it would be ridiculously hard for both of us.  But she did it believing it is for the best.  She believes this is what God wants for us, and she is trusting Him that this time of pain is for a reason.  She believes it is best.

            So, I just need to trust too.  As much as I desire to have control and to plan out my life, in reality I am not in control.  My plans and desires can only go so far.  In the end I can’t control the outcome.  It is not in my hands.     So, trust.  I know these last three weeks are still going to be hard.  I can say now that I will trust that she is right and that God has a plan for me and it is in my best interest, but I also know that as soon as I see her my thoughts about the breakup will take a 180 degree change from what I am writing now.  But I just need to constantly remind myself why I am here at GMS: to get to know God and trust Him.  Initially my reasons for being here were twofold: to improve my relationship with God and to improve my relationship with MCM.  I need to completely drop the latter.  My focus needs to be on God first, and on my small group next.  I need to let go of all my plans and thoughts of an assured and comfortable future with Courtney.  I need to let go of these desires, and put my all into my pursuit of God.  Forget Courtney.  If we are meant to be, God will work that in His time frame and without my say/input.  It will happen without my movement if and when it is supposed to happen.  I can’t continue on in this life with all my chips bet on a life with her.  She cannot be the stable, immovable foundation in my life that I need and desire.  I need to look to God for my foundation, my future, my hope.  I need to let go of thoughts and desires of sharing life together and making a future together.  Instead, I need to be preparing my future in communion with God.  I need to bet all chips on Him.  He will not break my heart.  He will not leave me without notice.  He will not waver in His love for me.  He will not waver in his communication and connection with me.  He knows what is best for me; I don’t.  I thought I did, but I was and am wrong.  I can’t trust in my future plans and my desires.  The only two constants in this life are change and God’s ultimate good provision.  I cannot hope in finite beings or reality, because they will let me down.  I can only hope in God.

Journal Entry - 7/12/2010

                 God, am I supposed to just focus on the guys and myself, avoid her and cut her from my mind?  Is it my emotions drawing me to her?  Or do I genuinely think we are “called/willed by God” to be together?  Do I really just let her go?  That seems so wrong.  Like I’m going against my nature.  How can I stop thinking about her and pursuing her when my heart is still her’s?

Journal Entry - 7/10/2010

 What this summer has been for me:

                The most pain I have ever experienced in my life.  It’s been encouraging at times...my small group has been really great, very encouraging and supportive.  It’s been fun with them too.  But what shadows all those good things is the conglomeration of negative feelings: sadness, anger, despair, loneliness...

                --God, through all of this experience I want to be able to trust in you that all things are working out for best according to your plan.  I pray that she has been, is, and will continue to grow closer to you through all of this.  I pray she can find all the things she longs for in you.  I pray she becomes more ‘in-tune’  with the HS and how he works in our lives.  I pray and hope this is best.  I pray she isn’t too distracted or hindered by me.  I pray her relationship with you becomes the foundation in her minute-to-minute life.  That she knows she can run to you and she chooses to do so.  And help me to acknowledge that fact that I cannot  get or give myself faith.  The HS does it.  And I cannot change myself by my power or effort; I cannot rid sin from my life.  I am unable.  I am weak.  I am full of sin and error.  God do work in my heart and in my actions.

I'm in a constant battle of deciding whether or not I should contact (text) you. Because I desire so much to just have some contact with you. I want to be in your life. I want to encourage you. I want to be close to you. I want to love you. I just want to I can't stand being near you courtney. I absolutely hate being so close to you and yet infinitely distant. Whenever I see you I get so discouraged and full of despair

Journal Entry - 7/9/2010

            Last night (bible study) went well.  We talked a lot about the Holy Spirit, and it helped me to realize and confess that my lack of relationship, understanding and knowledge of the HS is a major problem in my faith.  God the Father through Jesus Christ sent the HS to come after JC to dwell in us and interact with us daily.  I don’t see, feel, or give credit to the HS for his interactions in my life.  It’s much easier for me to give the credit of the HS’s work to myself (my brain, mind, choices) or to just coincidences.  I desperately need to get to know this 3^rd “head” of the God head.

            On the other end of the spectrum, when we came back to JMance from bible study, everyone was outside playing in the rain.  At first it seemed like it would be fun, but then I saw her.       My being just shuts down.  How in the hell am I supposed to act/interact/even function in a group setting?  I get angry, disgusted, completely discouraged, helpless, lost, and gross.  I tend to think that I never will be able to interact with the large group when she is present.  Seeing her consumes my thoughts and I feel like I don’t have any ability to interact.  So depressing and discouraging.  Makes me want to go home..............

            I took our relationship for granted.  I wasn’t proactive.  I just assumed I “had” you.  You were a stable and consistent part of my life.  I’m sorry for taking you for granted.

            Whenever I stop and think about it, I hate where I am in life.  I desire so much to be in some sort of a relationship with MCM.

            I now realize this is tons harder than our last breakup because I didn’t initiate it.  I wasn’t in control.  It wasn’t my choice.  And it probably also hurts more because it’s for seemingly irreconcilable reasons.

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            It's hard for me to accept our breakup and move on when I know in my heart that I love you, and I'm pretty sure you love me. I can't get over that fact. I understand and agree that we had/have lots of problems individually and as a couple, but I feel like genuine love can trump our differences/problems. Maybe I don't have genuine love, I don't know how I could know for sure, but I would like to think that my love for you has been (or will) develop to that. Or maybe you don't have genuine love (obviously by genuine love I don't mean perfect love, bc we are not capable of perfect love, as you know). I don't know if you do, and I don't know if you can know if you do, but I think you did at some point (if not most/all of our relationship). When you said that the thought of marriage with me scares you, it really scared me. Bc I kind of think I'm ready for marriage. I mean, I love you. I'm ready to move on to the next part of my life. I want stability (which probably reflects my desire for control). But anyway, I can't get over the fact that I love you

                It’s just so hard for me to accept.  How can we be over?  How can I just stop loving you?  You have been such a important part of my life for the last 3 years.  How can I move on?  I have lost my best friend.  If we leave this summer still so distant from each other, I feel like there is no hope for us.  We will have to break our hearts and forget about each other.  But I don’t want to forget about you.  I want to love you.  I want to be with you.  I want to hold you.  I don’t understand.  I LOVE YOU!  How can this be?  It doesn’t feel real.  I can’t comprehend that this is actually how it is.

                And it’s so painful to be here and to see you.  I can’t be myself, I can’t interact.  My mind and body convulses when I see you.  My whole being goes into complete disgust seeing you and yet being so distant from you.  I don’t feel real.  I can’t breathe.  Why?  Does this have to be?  Is this real?  Is this permanent?  Is our relationship and friendship over forever?  Have I truly lost my best friend for the last 3 years?  The person I have shared with the most?  The person I have confided in through everything?  The person I was pursuing to spend the rest of my life with?  Is there no hope for us?  Should I keep hope for us?  Should I harden my heart and not look back?  Should I pursue you (like I want to, but don’t know how)?  I miss Courtney.  I feel so lost

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Journal Entry - 7/7/2010

             So MCM and I talked last night.  It wasn’t really planned or thought-through very much.  I just approached her downstairs in the common area after talking to Phil about how we Christians try to make decisions in line with God’s will.  My intention was to get her to rethink her decision of being apart, because I thought that the breakup may have been decided on emotions.  Well, did that backfire!  She took what I presented and further supported her decision of why we shouldn’t be together.

            I suppose I can’t help but think she is right.  It’s so freaking hard, but she has really put the effort forth in this decision process, and who am I to say that her decision doesn’t line up with God’s will?  --I feel so ungrounded; so undefined; like I am floating purposeless, meaningless.     I am angry at her and yet I can’t be, because she made a tough, but probably right decision.      It’s still hard for me to understand and be reconciled to this breakup when I know that I love her and she loves me!  I can’t get over that fact.  Something deep in me says, “We can work through this!  We love each other!”     --But maybe I don’t truly love her.  If I truly love her, I should let her go.

            --God, I have no foundation anymore.  You have stripped me of my comforts and I want to believe it’s for my good.  As much as I hate this, please continue to break me at the appropriate times that you see fit.  Bend, mold, break, and rebuild me how you need to so that I can let go of all my desires.  Increase my desire to know you; decrease my desire for the pleasures and comforts of this world.  Help me to see how what this world has to offer me is nothing compared to a relationship with you.  Increase my joy that I find that is in you.  I want to be molded so that I leap for joy at the thought of you and your love.  Help me to understand the love you have for me.  Make me aware of how sinful I am, and how much I am in need of you.  Help me to understand how deep and unconditional your love is for me.  Stress to me that your love is not dependent on my works or effort.  You gave your grace and love freely.  Undeserved favor.  Humble me; put me in my place.  Break my pride in myself, my works, my ‘selfishness’, my awareness, and my intellect.  Break my stubbornness and my cynical and critical attitude.  Help me to find myself in you.

Journal Entry - 7/6/2010

             I just need to be upfront and honest with God.  Tell Him like it is.  Approach him as I am.  Be angry when I’m angry; sad when I’m sad.  He can handle all the junk I can throw at Him.

            -God, I am hurting.  I feel like leaving.  I feel like giving up; throwing in the towel.  Running away from these problems.  I don’t know if I would run away from You or not; I hope I wouldn’t, but I don’t know for sure.  I sincerely hate parts of this program, most of it surrounding the fact that she is here and I have to see and interact with her daily.  – I can’t take this!  How do I cope?  How do I not get completely distracted and discouraged?  How do I not throw in the towel?  How do I find motivation to continue to put my effort forth into this program and these people when I am so utterly turned off to everything?

Journal Entry - 7/5/2010

             Boy, have things changed since I journaled last.  Things between Courtney and me seemed to be going so well.  I was encouraged and hopeful.  But now I am not near that.  My family was here this weekend, as it was family weekend, and therefore, I didn’t take time to journal and have quiet time.  And I didn’t have much time talking to Courtney either; her parents were here as well.  Anywho, so I was with my parents yesterday, and I called her because I knew her parents had left, and I wanted to invite her to come spend time with us.  She tells me she has made up her mind about us.  She thinks that she has been feeling “unsettled” or “not at peace” while not together, just because she is used to being with me and it is painful.  But she sincerely believes that she doesn’t feel “at peace” with us being together, and therefore, we shouldn’t be together.  It took me aback; I was not expecting it at all.  I thought things between us were good and getting better.  This is and has been extremely hard for me.  I would like to think that it’s been this hard just because I care for her that much, but I know that it’s more than that.  I know it’s deeper.

            What should I do about my desire to go home?  To just leave this place and run from her and from these problems and pain.  I don’t necessarily think it would be best for me to run like that.  I don’t necessarily need this program to grow and to challenge myself, but it does help.  It keeps me disciplined and focused.  But at the same time, being here causes me a lot of pain that I could potentially avoid if I wasn’t here.  But would that just be me avoiding pain that I should go through?  Should I be going through this pain?  Does this give me closure and conclusion?

            Is it worth it?  Do I stay and stick it out in the hopes that it is best for me in the long run?

            I don’t want to be here.  I don’t desire nor do I enjoy worship.  I don’t really have a desire to reach out to anybody anymore.  I just want to go home.  I want to harden my heart from her.  I want to harden to everyone.  I don’t think I will give up on my pursuit of God, but I just feel like I’m in a pit here and I don’t see how I can get out.  What would be reasons to stay?  What are reasons to leave?  Is the pain, constant reminder, and distraction worth it?  Do I need these guys and the mentorship relationship?  Or would I be able to grow just the same at home?

Journal Entry - 7/1/2010

             I think some (or all) of the reason why I doubt and question Courtney’s love for me is because I doubt and question God’s love for me.  How can someone love me?  I guess I have this skewed idea of love that is solely based on works.  And because I am not and never will be perfect, I don’t see how anyone can love me currently of for an extended period of time.  I think Courtney helps me to get a better picture of God’s love, but at the same time I know that she cannot love me unconditionally and perfectly like God says he does.  I think it’s good that she reminds me of JC’s love for me, but I can’t depend on her for the love that only God can give.  I just have to accept it.  So simple and yet so hard.

Journal Entry - 6/29/2010

            Jesus’ number one commandment is follow me.  So, I looked up the definition of “follow”.  Here it is:

FOLLOW

-verb (used with object)

1. to come after in sequence, order of time, etc.: The speech follows the dinner.

2. to go or come after; move behind in the same direction: Drive ahead, and I'll follow you.

3. to accept as a guide or leader; accept the authority of or give allegiance to: Many Germans followed Hitler.

4. to conform to, comply with, or act in accordance with; obey: to follow orders; to follow advice.

5. to imitate or copy; use as an exemplar: They follow the latest fads.

6. to move forward along (a road, path, etc.): Follow this road for a mile.

7. to come after as a result or consequence; result from: Reprisals often follow victory.

8. to go after or along with (a person) as companion.

9. to go in pursuit of: to follow an enemy.

10. to try for or attain to: to follow an ideal.

11. to engage in or be concerned with as a pursuit: He followed the sea as his true calling.

12. to watch the movements, progress, or course of: to follow a bird in flight.

13. to watch the development of or keep up with: to follow the news.

14. to keep up with and understand (an argument, story, etc.): Do you follow me?

-verb (used without object)

15. to come next after something else in sequence, order of time, etc.

16. to happen or occur after something else; come next as an event: After the defeat great disorder followed.

17. to attend or serve.

18. to go or come after a person or thing in motion.

            What things have I seen or experienced recently that I think could have been, or must have been God?

            Head to heart knowledge. Through experience. Giving God the credit

            Why do I desire so much to have control?  A perfect example is in my relationship with MCM.  When she doesn’t 100% clarify what is going on, I get frustrated and discouraged.  I cannot possibly be 100% aware of things all the time.  I need to step back, breathe, and let go.  LORD, help me to let go.  Reassure me that I can let go and I will be OK.  You will take care of me.  Help me to trust you.  Help me to give you credit where credit is due.  Help me to realize how much I need you.

Journal Entry - 6/28/2010

             I had a sweet time with Jon at New Moon on Sunday.  Read the gospel of John.  Twas good.  I hope to dedicate more time like that.

            So, Courtney left to be with her family over the weekend.  She was gone all day Sunday till Monday evening.  She comes back and there seems to be some distance between us.  I don’t know if it is just her not going straight to me right when she got back, but it kind of hurt.  I don’t know what is between us, or if there really is anything between us, but she seemed to be avoided me or keeping some distance between us.  Why does this affect me so much?  I don’t know if there is something actually wrong, or if she is just in a bad mood.  But regardless, it severely affects my mood.  She says that there is a combination of things that are bothering her.  I asked right before that if what was bothering her was in some way related to us, and she didn’t explicitly say that it wasn’t, which leads me to believe that something about us is bothering her.  I just wish I could talk with her, and be on the same page.  I want to know what she is going through, and I want to help and console in any way I can.  She didn’t say she didn’t want to talk to me, or that she couldn’t but she just said she wanted to be by herself.  I understand the desire to be alone at times, it’s just hard because she has left me wondering.

            Should I feel guilty or in the wrong for letting this affect me so much?  It’s hard for me to think it’s wrong, because I really feel like I love this girl and I just want to know she is ok.  I want to be sure everything is alright with her, with her relationships with her family, with her relationship with God, and with her relationship with me.

Journal Entry - 6/26/2010

             Too long since I have last journaled.  MCM and I have been talking more and more the last couple of days today.  We have been trying to continue to be open and honest with each other about what we are going through.  I have definitely noticed (and it is obviously apparent) that I have not chosen to, or had the time to journal and have time to myself (time to process or time with God, whatever you want to call it).  Some of the blame may be put on the fact that I started up volunteering, but regardless, it has hindered my growth some.

So, she is still on the fence.  I thought we were growing closer and closer to an actual relationship again.  I was definitely looking forward to it, and I was leaning a lot of my joy and hope on it.  But I don’t know whether it was all-in-all a good thing for me to be putting my chips in on her, because she is still unsure.  And I don’t know if my assuredness is all good.  I don’t know if I want to be with her because it is comfortable and because it physically makes me happy and comfortable, but she is still wavy.  Sometimes her body language seems to be screaming for me, and then her mind speaks otherwise.  I definitely don’t understand this girl, and I don’t think I ever will.  I definitely respect her and I hope that I can continually grow to respect her more.  She wants to make sure she is not in err.  It’s a good quality, but it makes this process of “lukewarm relationship” hard. 

I need to go out on my own tomorrow and really spend some time by myself.

Email Conversation with my Dad :: 6/21/2010 - 6/29/2010

How are you doing?  How is work?  Are you able to keep you mind occupied away from things?  We are certainly all looking forward to being with you.

                                                                                    Dad

I am doing pretty well.  There for a week Courtney and I were ignoring each other, but recently we have been chatting, so that is very much a relief.  It was very, very painful to see her every day but not be able to talk to her.  But we still need to be mindful that we can't fall into the habit of abiding in each other and relying on each other when we should be depending on God...  It's a tough line to draw.  We are both unsure at this time.  But we still definitely still care for each other.  We both need to get our priorities straight before I think we can really pursue a healthy relationship dependent on God.  So things are better, but still hard at times.  Only time and being intentional will resolve this, I think.

Thanks for asking and for caring.  The family has been very supporting as of late, and I don't I would have been able to get through it without you.  Thank you.  I love you

                                    -Bart

Bart,

            I don’t have time at work to completely respond to this.  But you relationship with Courtness continually baffles me.  What are your expectations?  What s do you expect from each other?  I will continually point out to you both, that unless I am mistaken you are both obviously flawed by our shared humanness, imperfection and our sin.  Still way beyond me, but you guys have not yet attained perfection and Sainthood.  Unless I miss my guess, as individuals you won’t and as a couple you won’t.

            How do you know that it is not divinely designed or intended that we as fallible and limited man, do not have to rely on one another to seek God?  He places a divine spark within us and together we must freely choose to pursue and nurture this spark.  Can we mortals be completely dependent on a God we can not even imagine in our pea sized brains?

            If your individual and sole focus is complete dependence on God, then you both should embrace separate contemplative lifestyles, away from all others and the world.

            But if you are both seeking a life partner, to journey through this insane secular materialistic world, than perhaps you guys need to open your eyes.

            Sorry, I love and care for you both and I hate unhappiness for each of you.    You family does care and will always be there for your support

                                              Dad

I apologize for not responding earlier, but I needed some time to soak in what you expressed.  First of all, I want to thank you for expressing all that you did.  Obviously, I really appreciate and respect your opinion and thoughts on things for you have much more wisdom and experience than I do.  Your thoughts mean alot to me and to Courtney.

Initially, I did agree with you, although I hadn't really thought about what you said much before you expressed it to me.  And after thinking about it more, I definitely see what you mean, and I do agree with you.  I know that Courtney and I will never individually or together as a couple reach a point where we are completely dependent on God or in perfect relationship with Him.  And that God is in us, and that we can help and guide each other to God.  And I agree that a relationship is a agreement to journey through the crap of life together.  It is a covenant to change, grow, and share life together while pursuing God.  But at the same time, where I have been individually in the last year was not where I should be to be in a healthy relationship.  Obviously, I understand that in an imperfect relationship that each individual will go through hard times (times of doubt, lack of feeling of love, etc.).

Courtney and my relationship was founded upon and established through our faith in God (PCL was where it began, and it continued through all sorts of other things in college).  The problem that initiated our breakup was not that I was in a hard place of doubt of my faith, but rather that I was in a place of comfort and complacency in my doubt.  I was not whole heartedly pursuing God, if much at all.  And that was most likely why she thought it was a good idea to take a break.  And I think that there is nothing wrong with that at all.  If I am pursuing God, and just struggling, then I hope she would stick it out with me.  But if I give up on God or if I don't actively pursue faith in God, then I think she has every right to leave me...  Make sense?

But seriously, thank you.  I have expressed to Courtney what you got across to me in the email, and she agrees.  We have been having a much better last couple of days.  We (mostly me) need to do a better job of being real with each other right away, and not holding grudges or keeping things in the dark from each other.  We are talking almost every evening just making sure we are in the same page as far as our relationships with God, and also where we stand in our relationship with each other.  It's amazing how much joy she brings me... 

Anywho, sorry for the length of this.  Thanks for listening, for caring, and for sharing your thoughts with me.  I will keep you updated.  And I will see you in a week!  love ya, peace

                                    -Bart

Barty,

            I can take some time now and respond to your 6/25 E mail.  Sorry for the delay but my energy level has been real low since the Summit trip.  Your thoughts have helped me understand more of what you are trying to deal with.  I apologize for seemingly attacking your relationship together, but I again am trying to ascertain and understand.  I really care for you son, and rather unfairly, Courtness has become so very important to all of us.

            In your 2^nd paragraph, second last sentence you state,”But at the same time, where I have been individually in the last year was not where I should be to be in a healthy relationship.”  Clarify for me; is this your relationship with Courtness or your relationship with God?  This is the area we need to be able to talk and share about.            If we are speaking about God then in my twisted brain, with God, doubt is healthy.  If there is no doubt then we either have coercion, which is obviously unhealthy forced un-free compliance or we have faith.  Can there be faith with out doubt?  We must take the time this weekend to seriously speak about this.  Who does not have doubt, but what is this doubt?  Is it doubt as to the existence of a God?  Is it doubt as to if this God cares for the world? Is it doubt in Jesus as a man or as God?  Is it doubt as to how we define and worship this God?  I never escape my concerns about many of these questions and you should never feel alone or abandoned in these struggles.  Most won’t admit them and others have not thought deep enough to ponder them.

            In the next paragraph, “I was in a place of comfort and complacency in my doubt.  I was not whole heartedly pursuing God, much at all.”  Welcome to the world of the rest of us.  I ignore God because I am so caught up in this world.  I hate it but I do it and live this constantly for 54 years.  That is my humanness.  That is our challenge, or else we join a contemplative community.  Your focus on God has always amazed me but also frightened me.  With you there is far too little middle ground.

            Don’t let us play all weekend.  We as a family need to share and understand about this.

            Without earning an income, how are you doing financially?  What is your account like with Navigators?  Bart, you can not come out of this owing them money.  I know you, and you will take that on if necessary and we just can not let that happen.  You have a future ahead of you with many financial responsibilities.  Your scholarship has saved me a lot of money and I have some excess college savings.  So I want you to give me an account of your Navigators account and we will get this taken care of.  OK?  I await this. 

            We look forward to being with you.   

                                 I love, admire and am proud of you,  Dad

Padre,

Don't feel bad about taking a couple of days to respond.  I knew that it may take you a while to respond; that is why I headed the email with the parentheses statement.      And don't feel bad about saying what you said.  I did not and do not take your words as an attack on me or on us.  I know you are just trying to understand what has been going on, and you are just trying to help us.  Thank you for taking the time to care and for putting the effort forth in thinking of all this and writing the emails.

When I made the statement:  "But at the same time, where I have been individually in the last year was not where I should be to be in a healthy relationship."    What I was trying to express is that where I have been in the last year as far as my faith, and my priorities in life in general, is not where I should be in order for me to be in a healthy, constructive relationship with another person (i.e. Courtney).  I put Courtney in place of God in my life.  She was my be all and end all.  When things weren't going well with us, things weren't good for me.  I was looking to her for all the things in life that I should be looking to God for:  love, comfort, attention, hope, etc.  Courtney was my idol.  By saying the bolded statement above, I was just trying to say that my priorities were not in the right order so as to promote a healthy relationship with another person.  God first, others second.

About the rest of your 2nd paragraph:  I agree, there isn't anything unhealthy or wrong about doubt.  We humans cannot possible attain a life in which we have complete 100% faith.  There will always be doubt, no matter how 'close' we come to God or how connected we think we are with Him.

Still about doubt and your 2nd paragraph:  My doubts:  I have never really doubted the existence of God.  In my mind there has to be a "First Mover" or Creator.  My mind cannot grasp the thought that this world just began out of nothing with out the aid of some supreme being.  So, I at least have always held onto the "Watchmaker God" or deistic God.  One who put the world in motion, but doesn't have a part to play in our lives daily.  I suppose I doubt whether He cares, yes.  So, that is what I have struggled with and continue to struggle with.  I don't know how God is active in our daily lives.  I don't know he continually intercedes.  An omnipotent and omniscient being could have easily set a world in motion that is so good, that he did not need to intercede any more after the initial creation.  I am trying to connect with said God and trying to study the Bible to understand how he has been active in the past, but it is till hard to see Him active on a day-to-day basis now.

How we define and worship said God hasn't really been on my mind as of late, but that will surely come later.

I don't doubt the historical reliability of the Bible or that Jesus existed.  I desire so much for Christianity to be true.  There is no purpose, meaning, or hope without Christianity.  I desire for the bible to be true, and for an active God to be still moving today, but it's hard not to doubt.

(I didn’t finish my response.....)

                                                -Bart

Journal Entry - 6/21/2010

            Our lifetime is for our growth in Christ. We aren't expected to have it all together all the time. God knows we will struggle and doubt and turn away from him all the time. We are supposed to consistently pursue God. Every day for our whole life. We will always be growing in our trust of God. We will never fully reach the relationship with God we are supposed to. It's impossible. We cannot attain the relationship Jesus has with the Father. I believe I can be the support in faith that you need. I want to support you. I want to love you like I should. I want to be with you thru all of your ups and downs in faith. I cannot carry you in your faith, I know that; only God can sustain you. But I want to be there with you thru the joys and sorrows. I desire to grow and change and depend on God with you

            We talked for a couple of minutes tonight.  When I saw here earlier in the day, I could tell she was hurting.  I was also hurting, but I was hardening myself so as to not show pain or weakness.  And when she was sitting in the back at Nav Night I figured she was not doing so well.  And then the :-/ text confirmed it.  We talked.  Well, mostly I talked (ironic, eh?).  She seemed like she desired to talk again.  The pain caused from out state of ignorance seemed to overwhelm her.  I am not happy that she has been hurting, but it does reassure me that she really loves me (not that I needed any more proof).  But it helps to know that she, like me, is struggling in this state of our relationship.  It felt WONDERFUL to talk to her.  I have missed her so much.  But I also need to make sure that I miss her for selfless reasons, and not for selfish ones.  I want to be with her, because I sincerely love her and I want to be there for her and support her and enjoy life with her together.

           

Why does this grind my soul so much?  Are we really breaking the ties between us that are bad or are we just putting ourselves through excruciating and yet unnecessary pain?  I hate this.  I hate coming back to Jeann Mance.  I hate every opportunity I have to see her.  It consumes me my whole being all of my thoughts, actions, interactions, mood, everything.  I feel utterly consumed and in chains when I see you and think about you.  My best friend, the closest person to me – lost.  So close, and yet, an immeasurable distance apart.  This just seems wrong.

            It’s so hard for me to see the positives of this break up.  Maybe I haven’t realized or can’t comprehend how much we depended on each other in situations that we should have depended on God.  Maybe I am just looking at this break up from a completely selfish point of view, and I just need to suck it up because this is best for her and her relationship with God.  I hope it is.  That IS most important.  And I can’t let my selfishness get in the way of her best interest.  I suppose I just desire an update as to how this break up and ignoring each other phase is going for her.  I hope it has really helped her depend less on me and more on God.  When I do think of this breakup selfishly, it seems so unnecessary.

            I feel like I have made some steps in my faith.  Is it due to (in part) because we are in this state?  IDK, but I want to think that it is not due to it.  Is there a way to prove it?  I doubt it.

Journal Entry - 6/20/2010

             I had a pretty good weekend with the guys and with God on the men’s weekend.  I didn’t have to think about MCM too much, and it was nice to be able to focus my time on me and my relationship with God.  But as soon as we get back, there is the suggestion to go out as a group to eat dinner, and she is going.  My initial reaction is a stomach churning, ‘no’.  I don’t want to go.  But how am I supposed to get along this summer if I don’t eventually face the facts, and move on?  How can I be in a joyous mood and enjoy myself with her there?  I would just want to vomit.  My insides churn.  How can I move on?  How can I act normal?  And I felt like I made some good steps forward this weekend.  I am stepping out there a bit to try out this relate openness dealio.  God, what should I do?  How can I be myself?  Teach me.  Mold me.  I want to trust you that this is all for good and you have a plan for both her and me.  I don’t necessarily want you to show me what is going on, or to reassure to me that this is right, but I would love for you to continue to make me who you want.  I want to sincerely desire you.  Help me to disconnect my dependency on myself.  Help to see outside of myself, to look to you in all situations.

            This part from my mom got me thinking:

"Please remember ur not supposed to be just where God wants u to be, otherwise u' d be dead, that' what ur LIFETIME is for!!!"

Maybe we are supposed to be together as we are growing in our faith. Irk, this just seems like a terribly rotten way to share a summer. So painful. I love you. You are my best friend. I f***ing hate this

Journal Entry - 6/18/2010

             Why does my soul vomit when I see her?  Why does it bother me so much?  I feel like dying when I see her.  Lord, why does it have to be this way?  Is there no other way than pain?  I love her.  I want to be with her.  I want to selflessly love her.  I want to comfort her and show her my love for her.  But I can’t abide in her, not before I look to Christ/God for that comfort.  But once again, God, how can I look to you when I don’t know if you are there or if you care.  I want to think you care, but how can I know for sure?  How can I take that leap of faith?  How can I trust?  How can I believe in you and your promises?

Journal Entry - 6/17/2010

             Jon and I had a pretty sweet one-on-one on Monday.  We biked and talked down the lake front.  He proposed that I do in fact have faith, but I just don’t want to accept it (I guess).  And I agree, I act the way and think the way one with faith would, but I feel like my heart just isn’t there yet.  I still am stubborn and don’t want to commit to this faith.  I said this to him, and he expressed to me how faith isn’t mine.  He expressed that faith is from God; it’s a gift.  I can’t “work” to a point where I have faith, but somehow God gives it to me.  But I still don’t completely understand that, because I need to trust God in order to have faith, and it’s difficult for me to trust God right now.  He stressed Psalm 46:10, which says, “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Basically, he wanted to get the point across that I need to rest in God.  There is nothing I can do or have to do to be in his favor.  I just need to trust Him that He is good and that He loves me.  Whew.  I want to trust you, God.  I want to trust your love.  How can I?

            God, I know I trust myself and my power.  I am the only person I really trust.  Why can I not let go of control, my selfishness, my stubbornness.  Do I sincerely want to let go?  Or am I just persuading myself that I want to let go, because I know it is the right thing to do?

            How can I sincerely love another person when I don’t love myself, when I don’t love God!?  I don’t know the love of God.  How can I get the right perspective of myself?  How can I know that I am loved child of God?  I don’t feel you, God.  How am I supposed to have a personal relationship with you?

Journal Entry - 6/16/2010

             Faith means trusting in or relying on a promise of God's work and not depending in any way on human performance

            Grace: unmerited favor

            So Courtney and I talked today.  We walked down Pearl St. to the lake and back.  My intention for desiring to talk was to figure out whether we were going to be ignoring each other or not.  Well, I got what I needed, I suppose.  I pretty much broke down.  I was also made more aware of how selfish I am and how selfish I was in our relationship.  I now agree with her.  I have been ridiculously selfish in our relationship.  And it is best for both of us to not be together, but to try to grow and figure out our relationships with God while we are apart.  Our relationship was founded upon God and it should be completely supported by the fact that we are both defined by our relationship with God, but that hasn’t been the case for me for the last year.  My faith has been basically non-existent, and because of that I have been nothing but a burden for her and her faith.  I have not been supporting her, but I have been doing the opposite.  I have been bringing her down.  And all this time I have been putting her in place of God in my life.  I have been trying to find comfort, love, encouragement, attention, support, and identity in her.  And that just can’t be.  She cannot be that for me.  Only God can be.

            It’s especially disgusting to think of the fact that the reason I got back together with her in January after our month break up for December, my motivation was almost completely and utterly selfish.  I didn’t have hope or an identity, and she gave me those things, so I figured I should crawl back to her.  I obviously didn’t tell her that was the majority of my motivation, but regardless, she took me back to her detriment.

            So, now I guess you could say that I see the light in her actions of breaking up with me and separating herself from me.  It is going to be f***king hard, but it is best.  And I know that I cannot find or define myself in her, but I should only do that in God, but I must say that I have not lost all hope for our relationship.  She says she loves me, and I believe her.  Her actions speak nothing but that.  My actions, on the other hand....  But anyway, I hope to be able to spend the rest of my life with her, but not yet.  It’s going to take time.  And I can’t wait and rest on the possibility of us getting back together.  I need to pursue the only thing that is worthy of surrendering my life to, and that is God.  So, God, I am yours.  You have broken me.  I hope to seek you and nothing else.  I know it’s going to be hard.  It’s going to suck.  But you are it.  You have to be.  I want to seek you with my whole heart.  Help me with that, please.  Thanks.  Peace