Journal Entry - 7/5/2010

             Boy, have things changed since I journaled last.  Things between Courtney and me seemed to be going so well.  I was encouraged and hopeful.  But now I am not near that.  My family was here this weekend, as it was family weekend, and therefore, I didn’t take time to journal and have quiet time.  And I didn’t have much time talking to Courtney either; her parents were here as well.  Anywho, so I was with my parents yesterday, and I called her because I knew her parents had left, and I wanted to invite her to come spend time with us.  She tells me she has made up her mind about us.  She thinks that she has been feeling “unsettled” or “not at peace” while not together, just because she is used to being with me and it is painful.  But she sincerely believes that she doesn’t feel “at peace” with us being together, and therefore, we shouldn’t be together.  It took me aback; I was not expecting it at all.  I thought things between us were good and getting better.  This is and has been extremely hard for me.  I would like to think that it’s been this hard just because I care for her that much, but I know that it’s more than that.  I know it’s deeper.

            What should I do about my desire to go home?  To just leave this place and run from her and from these problems and pain.  I don’t necessarily think it would be best for me to run like that.  I don’t necessarily need this program to grow and to challenge myself, but it does help.  It keeps me disciplined and focused.  But at the same time, being here causes me a lot of pain that I could potentially avoid if I wasn’t here.  But would that just be me avoiding pain that I should go through?  Should I be going through this pain?  Does this give me closure and conclusion?

            Is it worth it?  Do I stay and stick it out in the hopes that it is best for me in the long run?

            I don’t want to be here.  I don’t desire nor do I enjoy worship.  I don’t really have a desire to reach out to anybody anymore.  I just want to go home.  I want to harden my heart from her.  I want to harden to everyone.  I don’t think I will give up on my pursuit of God, but I just feel like I’m in a pit here and I don’t see how I can get out.  What would be reasons to stay?  What are reasons to leave?  Is the pain, constant reminder, and distraction worth it?  Do I need these guys and the mentorship relationship?  Or would I be able to grow just the same at home?