So Courtney and I have been talking much more regularly, and it is such a relief. I was dying inside! I guess it’s weird for me to realize how much I missed being with her and just simply talking to her. It’s mainly stupid, because for some reason I get this idea in my head that she doesn’t like/love me anymore if she doesn’t stare at me like I stare at her. But I just need to get over that. My only trust is in myself. I don’t even trust her, who is so close to me, let alone anyone else... Kind of scary really. I need to trust her, but more fundamentally, I need to trust God. I feel like I am all I can control, change, and trust. I need to at least trust her. I need to let go of the feeling that I am going to be dumped and just put my heart out there. Trust and be content in the moment. Like she said, if we do break up, it’s because it is what is best for us, even though it will surely be ridiculously hard. I feel like I truly want to be with her. Maybe it is just because I am so used to being with her, but I tend to think that it is because I am finally coming around to realizing how special she is and how much I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Whoa, rest of my life with her. That’s intense. Am I ready for that commitment? Obviously, we need to iron out other things before those steps can be trod, but am I beginning to see myself being able to marry her? She is a bit crazy for me. I am definitely not as comfortable being crazy as she is, but I don’t think that deters my love for her. It shouldn’t, that’s for sure. She brings me joy and challenges me. She definitely has guided our relationship in the right direction; I just hope I can also help guide out relate in the right direction. I want to be her Godly man, but I suppose that the question is whether I want to be her Godly man more than being a Godly man. Am I pursuing my faith so that I can continue to be with her, or am I for my own good?
I think I know that it’s Christianity or bust, but what is my motivation? And what is holding me back? Is it really the unanswerable questions, or is it just my pride and stubbornness? I don’t want to take the leap to faith for Courtney, and I don’t want to do it for the safety slash comfortable feeling...
She wants God’s best for us
