We talked again yesterday, after dinner, before Nav Night. It went alright. She really wants to be friends, but I expressed to her that I don’t know how we are going to be friends. I don’t know how to interact with her as a friend. I still have the girlfriend feelings for her. How can I love her as a friend, but not as a girlfriend?
She seems so torn up, but what am I supposed to do? Am I just being selfish and trying to hurt her by saying that I don’t know how we can be friends? Or do I legitimately think that it will tear me up to be friends with her? For her sake, maybe I should just try my best to be her friend, so as to not hurt her so much.
Prayer: God, I need to be real with you. I need to be transparent. If you are there, and you are who you say you are, and you are who you claim to be, than I am nothing. I am nothing apart from you, and I am nothing compared to you. So I need to approach you with complete transparency. I need to approach you with humility. I need to just present myself to you. I need to give it my all. I don’t know if I will be able to do that right away, but I will try my best to give more and more of myself as I get more comfortable, and hopefully I can be disciplined to do this daily.
God, I don’t know how to talk to you. I especially don’t know how to listen to you. I feel as if I am just talking to myself, like I’m just talking in my head. And I’ve been told that prayer is more so for me than for you, as it shapes me and helps me to know you more. I don’t quite understand that, but I will try to be willing and open to this prayer thing. It’s hard for me to just sit here and make requests to you. I feel like that has been the bulk of my prayer experience in the past, and I don’t want that to be the case now. I want to truly converse with you. How can I have a personal relationship with you? How can my blabbering be the foundation of a personal relationship with you? A personal relationship, as I understand it, is give and take. It is talking and listening. It is selfless, sacrifice. It is love, but a two-way street kind of love. Not the relationship and communication I have known in the past. It is deliberate, intentional. There is reason and purpose behind it. There is meaning, sincerity, and heart-felt enjoyment. I want that, or nothing. I don’t want the typical “come to God in times of trouble, and ask for something.” I want truth. I want you. I need to separate my faith from my selfishness. I don’t want this faith for the salvation and the comfort. I want it for its validity. I want it if and only if it is true; you have revealed yourself as not only the Creator God but also as the loving, saving God. I want nothing to do with anything apart from that. I want you. I don’t want to pursue you for your gifts. I want THE God. I want truth. I want conclusion. I want certainty. I want to part myself from the typical, from the ordinary, the usual. I don’t want meaninglessness. I don’t want a floating life. I want purpose. God, open my eyes. Obliterate my pride. Consume my stubbornness. Destroy my walls and my preconceived ideas. Rid me of my desire to fully know you. Instill in me the fact that I cannot fully know you. I know that I can pursue you and learn about you for a lifetime and never fully know you or understand you. Help me to accept the fact that I will never fully know you. Help me to accept my doubts when I come to that fork. I can’t fully comprehend you or your ways. You are far superior to me and my limited cognitive abilities. Help me to joyfully and not stubbornly accept truth and challenges. I am tired of this rut I am in. I want to know you. Increase my desire to know you. Help me to be intentional. (So much for not asking for things...) But I do feel like these are legitimate requests. I don’t want material gifts, health, well-being, or certainty of my future. Help me to let go of the control I have and that I ever seek. Help to solely seek you and the truth you have.
