So far it has been really tough to interact with Courtney. I feel like I am always looking at her or looking for her, and most of the time she doesn’t seem to be doing the same for me. I know that this summer isn’t about her and I, but I can’t help but be sad when I can’t spend time with the girl that I love and the one person here that knows me, understands me, and whom I am always thinking about. I am glad to be meeting all these other people and getting to know them. I can already see it is going to be fun and challenging summer. I am really glad that Jon is my team leader. Brendan seems pretty cool as well, but I feel some disconnect with him. But Jon seems legit. He is intentional and he truly seems to be interested in our lives. I can see myself getting pretty close with him. Pretty much all the guys seem cool. There are a couple of guys who I can tell a bit younger and immature, but it’s not there faults and it’s not like I’m going to discriminate or something.
I can already see that it is going to be hard for me to grow. I don’t have much of a problem sharing and being honest and open about where I am in my faith right now, but I know it’s going to be hard for me to break free of control and comfort. I want to hang on to my lack of responsibilities with God, and my lack of commitment. Kind of scary, once I really think about it. But I know I need to break free and grow. I can’t live in this pit of despair and doubt. I need and want to move forward, progress, but at the same time I know that that is going to take a lot of sacrifices and pushing myself out of my comfort zone to really make progress. I could easily and painlessly just go mindlessly with the flow and not make anything of this summer, but I do want to make something out of it and I do want to grow.
God, help me to grow. Help me to understand who you are and what your desires and promises are. I want to progress, but I can’t by myself. I need you. Reiterate that to me constantly. I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. I can float, but I can’t expand. I need you. I am imperfect and doomed to fail repeatedly. There is no purpose, no existence, no meaning, and no reason to live without you. Show me who you are. Guide me to understand. Enlighten me
