Our lifetime is for our growth in Christ. We aren't expected to have it all together all the time. God knows we will struggle and doubt and turn away from him all the time. We are supposed to consistently pursue God. Every day for our whole life. We will always be growing in our trust of God. We will never fully reach the relationship with God we are supposed to. It's impossible. We cannot attain the relationship Jesus has with the Father. I believe I can be the support in faith that you need. I want to support you. I want to love you like I should. I want to be with you thru all of your ups and downs in faith. I cannot carry you in your faith, I know that; only God can sustain you. But I want to be there with you thru the joys and sorrows. I desire to grow and change and depend on God with you
We talked for a couple of minutes tonight. When I saw here earlier in the day, I could tell she was hurting. I was also hurting, but I was hardening myself so as to not show pain or weakness. And when she was sitting in the back at Nav Night I figured she was not doing so well. And then the :-/ text confirmed it. We talked. Well, mostly I talked (ironic, eh?). She seemed like she desired to talk again. The pain caused from out state of ignorance seemed to overwhelm her. I am not happy that she has been hurting, but it does reassure me that she really loves me (not that I needed any more proof). But it helps to know that she, like me, is struggling in this state of our relationship. It felt WONDERFUL to talk to her. I have missed her so much. But I also need to make sure that I miss her for selfless reasons, and not for selfish ones. I want to be with her, because I sincerely love her and I want to be there for her and support her and enjoy life with her together.
Why does this grind my soul so much? Are we really breaking the ties between us that are bad or are we just putting ourselves through excruciating and yet unnecessary pain? I hate this. I hate coming back to Jeann Mance. I hate every opportunity I have to see her. It consumes me my whole being all of my thoughts, actions, interactions, mood, everything. I feel utterly consumed and in chains when I see you and think about you. My best friend, the closest person to me – lost. So close, and yet, an immeasurable distance apart. This just seems wrong.
It’s so hard for me to see the positives of this break up. Maybe I haven’t realized or can’t comprehend how much we depended on each other in situations that we should have depended on God. Maybe I am just looking at this break up from a completely selfish point of view, and I just need to suck it up because this is best for her and her relationship with God. I hope it is. That IS most important. And I can’t let my selfishness get in the way of her best interest. I suppose I just desire an update as to how this break up and ignoring each other phase is going for her. I hope it has really helped her depend less on me and more on God. When I do think of this breakup selfishly, it seems so unnecessary.
I feel like I have made some steps in my faith. Is it due to (in part) because we are in this state? IDK, but I want to think that it is not due to it. Is there a way to prove it? I doubt it.
