Ha Ha Ha. The roller coaster takes another turn. I thought the fluctuation between a chance of us getting back together and us not getting back together was over. Wrong once again. Yesterday was so hopeful. Today = sadness. It’s hard for me to accept as reality that we are seemingly done. Our relationship seems to be over. And at this point it’s hard for me to have hope for us, because when I have put my hope back into our relationship, that hope has just been crushed.
So yesterday (7/18/2010) seemed to be a good day between us and for our relationship. We talked a little bit earlier in the day, because I didn’t know if Courtney had been to church, so I asked if she wanted to go with me. She was unsure at the time, so no big deal. Later on in the day, after she had gotten back from spending time with the other team leaders, we got into a conversation about us. We made some progress in discussing our relationship, I believe, but I don’t recall exactly what we talked about. One interesting things that did happen is Courtney got close to me and asked for a hug. I mention this because it surprised me at the time. I talked about it with her, and I decided (and she agreed) that it wasn’t a good idea for us to be hugging. I felt like it wasn’t a good idea because we aren’t together and it would only make things harder for us. Harder for us to discern what is best, because we would be getting out hearts and emotions even more tied together. It was surprising to me because it kind of came out of nowhere, and I wasn’t expecting it. Of course I wanted to give her a hug, but like I said, I didn’t think it would be a good idea in the long run. But anywho, the rest of our time talking was constructive, I think, and then we went our separate ways.
Later on in the night, we both met up in a larger group because someone had planned a group sermon listening and discussion group event. It was a Tim Keller sermon on Gender Roles, so I thought that it would be good for me to hear. And also I was pretty sure that Courtney was going to be there, and that didn’t lessen my desire to be there. Right before the sermon started, she left a more comfortable seat on a couch to come sit next to me sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Of course this made me feel awesome. And then she told me about how she had sent out a mass text to a lot of people that she really respected in their spiritual walk and relationships with others. She asked something along the lines of: “Hey So-and-so, do you have any advice our scripture references that could aid someone in the process of discerning whether or not to be a relationship?” I thought it was a good idea, and I was excited to hear and/or listen to everyone’s responses. After the sermon, I asked her if she was going to stick around for the discussion group of if she was going to head up to bed, because I was going to head up to bed, and if I had the opportunity to walk her up to her floor, I wanted to do it. She said that she also wanted to head up for bed, so we headed upstairs. When we got to her floor, we began talking a bit about us and the usual. And somehow we progressed to her expressing that she felt like there wasn’t a possibility of us getting back together in the near future. She said there were pretty much two options for us: we could possibly get back together in a decent amount of time (I took it as at least a couple months), or we don’t get back together at all. She said that she just didn’t feel like she was where she needed to be to be in a relationship. She brought up our situation earlier in the day when she asked for a hug, and she said that her asking for a hug was much more complicated than I saw it. She said she is constantly looking to me to give her security. She is manipulating me in a false love to get what she wants. She is looking to me to fulfill her longing for love and acceptance. (Don’t we all do this?! We are imperfect! We are selfish! Whether we are aware of it or not, we manipulate and coerce to get what we want.) And she just doesn’t think it is right for her to enter into a relationship when she is in the state she currently is. She loves me and she wants the best for me, and so because she thinks she is unable to be in a relationship, out of love/respect for me and for her, she thinks we shouldn’t be in a relationship. And she said she is sure it is going to take some time for her to feel like she can be in a relationship. Of course, she can’t be sure of that time frame, so it could be 3 months, it could be two years, who f***king knows.
I, of course, want the opposite of what she is saying. I want to be together now. I don’t explicitly know that that would be best for us, but I know in my heart that that is what I desire. (God’s desire for my life versus what I desire. God: infinity, Bart: 0) And so I tried to bring up opposing points so to show her the opposite side of the spectrum. I expressed how I desire a life partner; someone to grow with, change with, learn from, challenge, suffer with, encourage, love, and just generally share life with. And I know she and I are not where we should be as individuals. We will never be where we should be as far as our character traits, i.e. our sanctification, or our relationship/dependence on God. It’s hard for me to think that we will ever be in a place where we will be “ready” as an individual to be part of a relationship. Maybe that is the devil instilling a lie into me, but I know for sure that will never find a complete and perfect reliance on God. We will always be seeking more of God and more of a dependence on God. She sees these shortcomings and believes she cannot overcome them in a relationship. She said that if we were to be in a relationship, her replacing God for me in finding her security and love would continue to happen. Of course, I once again tried to express the opposite side. I said expressed how I was unaware of all of this “replacing of God” in our lives and in our relationship. Now that we are aware, we can move to overcome these things together. Still, like the beginning of all this crap, I feel like we can grow together through all of this. I just see how we become aware of our shortcomings through our relationship, and I think we can grow through them together. But she holds fast to her stance, and her belief that God is calling us to separate. How can I minimize the fact that she has attained (or God has given her) a better communication with God currently? And therefore maybe I should just accept her belief that God desires us to be separate as truth.
But, at the same time, I cannot help but admit that I do see in myself dependence on her. I don’t know where the line is drawn of where the balance of our dependence should be: whether a certain percentage should be on another human, or a certain percentage lie on God. But I definitely have been relying on her. It’s hard for me to admit that, because I want to think that this breakup is definitely not best for us, and also not good for us. But I do see the positives of it. And if she legitimately feels like it is best for her (and she thinks it is best for me) to be separate so that these shortcomings with our individual relationships with God can be ironed out, then I need to respect her and love her amidst this painful choice. And it’s not like she is choosing this and she isn’t going through a lot of pain, because she is. But it’s easy for me to be selfish, and say “Look what you’ve done to me! You have taken away my love, my foundation!” Which is true. I was definitely relying on her as my foundation in life. She has been my crutch to get to God. I need to pursue God on my own, and not for some alternative motivation other than for God himself.
And I then expressed to her how I will not be able to interact with her. I can be either of the extremes that I have been this summer: I can either harden my heart, ignore her, and make have no communication with her, or I can be like I have been lately, talking and such, and basically be what I would consider to be her boyfriend. If I engage my heart with her’s (while we are not together), I will essentially be acting as a boyfriend. I will be putting myself out there and loving her as a boyfriend. I don’t see how I can possibly be just a friend to her. I love her, but I don’t think I can love her as a friend and not fully put myself out there as if I was in the friend relationship as a boyfriend.
So back to the valley, where most of this summer has been, I suppose. Back to hardening my heart and trying to move on from the girl I love. An opportunity to grow, an opportunity to search for God and try to understand better what it means to live a life depending on him. Back to processing how I can live apart from you. Searching for God.
I will wait for you Courtney, but I will not put my ultimate hope in you. I will move past you. I will forget you. I will not go day-to-day looking to make a life with you. I will move on. My heart will not be yours. I plan on making my life without you. Goodbye
