Grace: unmerited favor
So Courtney and I talked today. We walked down Pearl St. to the lake and back. My intention for desiring to talk was to figure out whether we were going to be ignoring each other or not. Well, I got what I needed, I suppose. I pretty much broke down. I was also made more aware of how selfish I am and how selfish I was in our relationship. I now agree with her. I have been ridiculously selfish in our relationship. And it is best for both of us to not be together, but to try to grow and figure out our relationships with God while we are apart. Our relationship was founded upon God and it should be completely supported by the fact that we are both defined by our relationship with God, but that hasn’t been the case for me for the last year. My faith has been basically non-existent, and because of that I have been nothing but a burden for her and her faith. I have not been supporting her, but I have been doing the opposite. I have been bringing her down. And all this time I have been putting her in place of God in my life. I have been trying to find comfort, love, encouragement, attention, support, and identity in her. And that just can’t be. She cannot be that for me. Only God can be.
It’s especially disgusting to think of the fact that the reason I got back together with her in January after our month break up for December, my motivation was almost completely and utterly selfish. I didn’t have hope or an identity, and she gave me those things, so I figured I should crawl back to her. I obviously didn’t tell her that was the majority of my motivation, but regardless, she took me back to her detriment.
So, now I guess you could say that I see the light in her actions of breaking up with me and separating herself from me. It is going to be f***king hard, but it is best. And I know that I cannot find or define myself in her, but I should only do that in God, but I must say that I have not lost all hope for our relationship. She says she loves me, and I believe her. Her actions speak nothing but that. My actions, on the other hand.... But anyway, I hope to be able to spend the rest of my life with her, but not yet. It’s going to take time. And I can’t wait and rest on the possibility of us getting back together. I need to pursue the only thing that is worthy of surrendering my life to, and that is God. So, God, I am yours. You have broken me. I hope to seek you and nothing else. I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. But you are it. You have to be. I want to seek you with my whole heart. Help me with that, please. Thanks. Peace
