Last night (bible study) went well. We talked a lot about the Holy Spirit, and it helped me to realize and confess that my lack of relationship, understanding and knowledge of the HS is a major problem in my faith. God the Father through Jesus Christ sent the HS to come after JC to dwell in us and interact with us daily. I don’t see, feel, or give credit to the HS for his interactions in my life. It’s much easier for me to give the credit of the HS’s work to myself (my brain, mind, choices) or to just coincidences. I desperately need to get to know this 3rd “head” of the God head.
On the other end of the spectrum, when we came back to JMance from bible study, everyone was outside playing in the rain. At first it seemed like it would be fun, but then I saw her. My being just shuts down. How in the hell am I supposed to act/interact/even function in a group setting? I get angry, disgusted, completely discouraged, helpless, lost, and gross. I tend to think that I never will be able to interact with the large group when she is present. Seeing her consumes my thoughts and I feel like I don’t have any ability to interact. So depressing and discouraging. Makes me want to go home..............
I took our relationship for granted. I wasn’t proactive. I just assumed I “had” you. You were a stable and consistent part of my life. I’m sorry for taking you for granted.
Whenever I stop and think about it, I hate where I am in life. I desire so much to be in some sort of a relationship with MCM.
I now realize this is tons harder than our last breakup because I didn’t initiate it. I wasn’t in control. It wasn’t my choice. And it probably also hurts more because it’s for seemingly irreconcilable reasons.
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It's hard for me to accept our breakup and move on when I know in my heart that I love you, and I'm pretty sure you love me. I can't get over that fact. I understand and agree that we had/have lots of problems individually and as a couple, but I feel like genuine love can trump our differences/problems. Maybe I don't have genuine love, I don't know how I could know for sure, but I would like to think that my love for you has been (or will) develop to that. Or maybe you don't have genuine love (obviously by genuine love I don't mean perfect love, bc we are not capable of perfect love, as you know). I don't know if you do, and I don't know if you can know if you do, but I think you did at some point (if not most/all of our relationship). When you said that the thought of marriage with me scares you, it really scared me. Bc I kind of think I'm ready for marriage. I mean, I love you. I'm ready to move on to the next part of my life. I want stability (which probably reflects my desire for control). But anyway, I can't get over the fact that I love you
It’s just so hard for me to accept. How can we be over? How can I just stop loving you? You have been such a important part of my life for the last 3 years. How can I move on? I have lost my best friend. If we leave this summer still so distant from each other, I feel like there is no hope for us. We will have to break our hearts and forget about each other. But I don’t want to forget about you. I want to love you. I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I don’t understand. I LOVE YOU! How can this be? It doesn’t feel real. I can’t comprehend that this is actually how it is.
And it’s so painful to be here and to see you. I can’t be myself, I can’t interact. My mind and body convulses when I see you. My whole being goes into complete disgust seeing you and yet being so distant from you. I don’t feel real. I can’t breathe. Why? Does this have to be? Is this real? Is this permanent? Is our relationship and friendship over forever? Have I truly lost my best friend for the last 3 years? The person I have shared with the most? The person I have confided in through everything? The person I was pursuing to spend the rest of my life with? Is there no hope for us? Should I keep hope for us? Should I harden my heart and not look back? Should I pursue you (like I want to, but don’t know how)? I miss Courtney. I feel so lost
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