So Courtney and I talked for a bit last night. I don’t think either of us had the intention of talking about serious stuff, but it ended up happening. It is hard for me to talk to her because I desire to persuade, direct, swoon, coerce (whatever you want to call it) to be with me, but at the same time I desire to love her and direct her to what is best for her. Obviously, I don’t know what is best for her (even she doesn’t know that at this point). But I don’t want to be together just because I convinced her to be with me. I want her to be with me if and only if she, on her own, determines it is what is best for her and it is what she desires.
Just like a couple weeks ago, we mainly talked about how the ball is still in her court. I have picked a side in the decision of whether we should be together or not: I want to be together. She still is wavering back and forth. It is hard for me to relate and understand what she is going through, because I only see glimpses of what she is going through. I see her happy to talk to me. I see her in pain because of being apart, and for that reason, it is very hard for me to understand why we aren’t together. She seems to be wrestling with her feelings and thoughts. On one hand, she feels “called” by God to not be with me. On the other hand she seemingly desires to be with me and loves me. She seems to contradict herself. She seems to be sure of the decision one day, and then do a 180 and feel completely differently the next day. I don’t understand. She seems to wrestle her feelings, emotions, and thoughts about the situation, so that what she thinks is God’s will can win out. Once again, I have no right to say something is or is not God’s will, but it just seems wrong to me that she seems to suppress or circumnavigate her feelings so that what she thinks God’s will is can be. I feel like there needs to be some sort of balance. I have no idea where that balance is, but it seems like there has to be a happy medium. I don’t know, I suppose I could be completely wrong in thinking this, for I don’t have a good relationship with God and his will, and I don’t understand how that works.
1on1 time with Ben Courtemanche:
I asked him if we could talk about how to a Christian husband. His life experiences so far. How does one be the spiritual leader in the relationship? We didn’t really delve into it that deep yet. He gave me a couple questions to ponder until the next time we meet up. The questions are:
What does it mean to me to be a man?
What does it mean to me to be the spiritual head/leader of a relationship?
How do I get there?
Hopefully I will get around to answering these questions eventually...
I also asked him about his thoughts of the Holy Spirit, being that I don’t relate to or understand the HS at all. He told me about a story in which he felt “called/directed/spurned/etc” to go a different route to where his car was parked compared to the route he would usually take. He expressed how he ran into a student who he mentored more than a year prior to that at Dartmouth College, where he was stationed to do EDGE Corps before he went on staff with Navs at UVM. He just ran into the guy and had a great conversation with him. He expressed that that was one of two times in his life he felt called to something in a supernatural way, and that there isn’t much explanation outside of the HS doing work.
He also said that he was going to get me in contact with his friend Dom. Dom came and spoke at one of our Nav Nights earlier in the summer. I remember feeling like I could really connect to what Dom was saying, not just because he is an engineer, but mainly because he connects with God on and intellectual level that I admire and desire. And Ben said Dom has much study in the HS, how he works, and how a relationship/connection with him works. I really look forward to this possibility, because, as I have probably already expressed, I believe a lot of what is hindering me in my faith is my lack of understanding and relationship with the HS.
Some journaling I did right after meeting with Ben; very encouraged:
So much do I desire deep down within me to give You credit. To embrace this life outside of myself. To live for something more. To embrace your massivity. There is so much more I desire to know, understand, and embrace. I want to love you and to give up trying this life on my own. The life of faith you designed is so captivating. I want to be consumed and convinced. Help me to let go of selfish and worldly ties, so that I can pursue you with my whole heart. I want to be optimistic.
