Jon and I had a pretty sweet one-on-one on Monday. We biked and talked down the lake front. He proposed that I do in fact have faith, but I just don’t want to accept it (I guess). And I agree, I act the way and think the way one with faith would, but I feel like my heart just isn’t there yet. I still am stubborn and don’t want to commit to this faith. I said this to him, and he expressed to me how faith isn’t mine. He expressed that faith is from God; it’s a gift. I can’t “work” to a point where I have faith, but somehow God gives it to me. But I still don’t completely understand that, because I need to trust God in order to have faith, and it’s difficult for me to trust God right now. He stressed Psalm 46:10, which says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Basically, he wanted to get the point across that I need to rest in God. There is nothing I can do or have to do to be in his favor. I just need to trust Him that He is good and that He loves me. Whew. I want to trust you, God. I want to trust your love. How can I?
God, I know I trust myself and my power. I am the only person I really trust. Why can I not let go of control, my selfishness, my stubbornness. Do I sincerely want to let go? Or am I just persuading myself that I want to let go, because I know it is the right thing to do?
How can I sincerely love another person when I don’t love myself, when I don’t love God!? I don’t know the love of God. How can I get the right perspective of myself? How can I know that I am loved child of God? I don’t feel you, God. How am I supposed to have a personal relationship with you?
