I don't trust you

God, I don't trust you.  I don't trust you with my finances (I have no idea how I am going to pay for grad school).  I don't trust you with my relationship with MCM (it can't be your will that she is supposed to go to UK.  It can't!).  In general, I don't trust you.  I only trust myself.  I want control.  I want to know my future, because I want my plans to pan out.


"The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps."
   Proverbs 16:9


That is so me.  I plan, I prepare, I organize, I structure, I desire, and I fail.  I suck.  I have no control.  I've got nothing.  I am worth nothing.


God, I need so much help in trusting you.  I think I desire you, and more trust in you, but I don't know if I am just trying to convince myself that is what I desire, because I know it is what I should desire...  God, open my eyes to see what you want for me.  No.  Actually, don't show  me what you want.  If you show me, that doesn't take any trust on my part.  Keep my blind, so that I have no choice but to trust you.


I don't want to pursue what I want.  I want what you want, whatever the cost.  If you want to break me some more, bring the waves.  I know you will hold on to me with an unstoppable grip.  Help me to reach for you and hold onto you with everything I've got.


Do I really want to do this grad degree?  Why does money have to be?  It's so stupid.  I hate work.  I want to serve you, and be with her.  I want nothing else.  Is that wrong?  I want to praise you for the rest of my life.  Why can't trust you with my finances?!  It probably comes from the pressure I feel to 'provide.'  Fart that!  I just want to trust in you!  So torn.  This sucks.  Why can't I realize and appreciate all the gifts I have, and all I have going for me?  Why do I feel so sucky?  Why do I so easily look past the love you give me, the person that you are?  The glory you deserve?  And how that should make me so joyous?  Why do so easily judge and criticize others, when you love them for who they are?

I'm so broken...  Repair me

Journaling from a while ago (approx Nov 30, 2010)

I am still holding on to the hope of our relationship.  And if I am going to live my life, I have to have closure to this.  I thought that our last meeting would have provided that closure, but the truth is, it didn’t.  

I don’t know if I am holding on to our relationship because I truly love you and I believe we are supposed to be together, or if it is just sadness and the desire for the comfort of a familiar relationship.

Regardless, me holding on to the thought of us getting back together is killing me, if the fact is that we aren’t going get back together.

I sincerely believe that I am the man that can be the support that you need, but it doesn’t matter what I think I am.  It matters what you think of me....  It’s just so tough for me to get over the fact that I love you and you love me.  I feel like it’s the same old thing from the beginning.  I just can’t let go of you, because I love you and I feel like we are supposed to be together.

But I can’t hold to this if you are 100% certain we are not going to get back together.  I kind of feel like you have already made that known, so I wonder if I should contact you, but something in me still holds on to the hope that you feel the same way as I do, and that you really do want to be with me.  So, tell me:  are we 100% not going to get back together?  Or should I continue to hold on to this hope?

I know that a relationship with another person will not complete me.  I know that I have to find myself in God.

Am I already sold?

God, I feel like I am already sold.  You know my heart:  I love her and I want to be with her.  Do we each need more time?  Or should I move on what I already believe and just pursue her?  Why do I feel like we need to wait a bit?  Do I need to grow more, or just wait, or look to you more?  When will I be "ready?"  God, I want what you want, but it's so hard for me to know what you want.  I desire to pursue you, and I hope that desire pleases you to some extent.  I want to please you more.  I want to please you with my whole life, and included in that is my (hopeful) marriage.  I think she can complete the marriage that I desire.  She is SO GREAT.  I really think she is the one.  How can it be coincidence that we broke up and both grew so much individually.  I want to be with her.  She is so great.  I can't deny that I love her.  I love her with everything that I am.  I want to spend my life with her.  I really do.  God, is this what you want for us?  For me, and for her individually?  God, I want to do your will......

A complete 180

Wow.  Wow!  I am perplexed, breath-taken (if that's a word), befuddled, completely and utterly taken-aback, in shock.  Completely unexpected.  God, I did not expect this curveball AT ALL.

Is your timing that good?  I am finally feeling content and confident in you, and where you have in life right now, and then you put this in my lap?  What do you want me to do?  I don't want to lose this opportunity to be with the girl I have loved for so long, but I am scared.  More than that, I don't want to lose the faith and dependence I have on you, God.  I don't want to lose who I am in you.  Don't get me wrong, I love her; the thought of the opportunity to pursue life with her again gives chills to my soul, but I can't help but admit that I am scared.  I am content where I am.  I have a desire to pursue you, God, and to minister to younger guys, and and I haven't ever had this desire before; I don't want to lose it.

So what do you want?  Because I think my flesh wants to be in a relationship with her again, but I don't know if I am ready.  She is so "gung-ho" and I am hesitant.  The fact that she broke up with J two weeks ago scares me.  Are you sure?  Have you had enough time being single?  Enough time finding yourself in God?  Have I had enough time?  Are you sure in your mind and heart?  Do you sincerely think it's God's will for us?

I am happy, but scared?  God, I want what you want.  Help me to stay disciplined to continue to seek you even amongst all these feelings about her.  Help me to discipline myself to continue with quiet times, praying, journaling, etc.  And give me an open mind and soft heart when listening to others' advice and counsel.  I am scared.  Comfort me, Comforter

Update to the drama

Jon texted me on Sunday.  His text read:
"Courtney and I broke up last week. I would love for you to be involved in my life. If you still are not ready for that I am going to respect that.  My desire is to love you well and I know I have done a horrible job. I am sorry. It pains my heart knowing what additional pain I have caused you. Trying the best I can as a screwed up man trying to follow Christ."


HA!  You want to be friends with me???  Bullshit


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On a similar note, I have been reminded of MCM more and more lately (the above texts being one of those instances), and obviously by those two breaking up...the door is open...as terrible as that sounds...  But I can't ignore the fact that I am still completely sold for her...  But last we talked, she didn't want anything to do with me...or so I think.  What do I know?  Do I risk contacting her again?


Jesus, what do you want of all this?  What are you trying to teach me?  I know I have been molded by all this.  My desire for you has grown exponentially over the last couple of months.  I feel you more and more each day.  Worship has meaning now.  My head connection is bridging the gap to my heart.  You are active; you are changing me.  I love you and I want to serve you, but I am still scared.  I am still imperfect and I still desire the fulfillment of a relationship with her.  What do you want me to do?  Do I wait for her?  Or do I persistently pursue her like her dad did with her mother?  Jesus, what do you want me to do??

Thoughts over Break

My mother spoke to me about things.  I want to respect her thoughts being my mother and my elder, but I have a hard time not completely ignoring her advice.    She said that there are two things that will make me happy:  either pursuing MCM to the death of me (if I feel like we are supposed to be) or pursuing another person as a significant other.

Regardless of what I do (if I even listen to her advice), she encouraged me to improve my image....  Ugh, the opposite of what I care about, but her words have weight.  I really don't care about my image (well not completely apathetic, ya know), but she encouraged me to work out, get in shape, shave, and improve wardrobe.  Ugh

"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..."  Phillipians 1:12
I hope to look back on all this one day and be able to share my experiences with a brother to encourage him and to glorify God's name.  My pain is not in vain.  I want to be able to recall my experiences and praise God through them and because of them.  I hope my story encourages another and brings him to the saving light of Christ.

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..."  Phillipians 1:29
Assurance of salvation?

I have a definite desire to please and impress others.  I consistently see myself hovering over others that I respect and admire...  What does this mean?


Not a day goes by that I don't think about you......do you think about me similarly?     What are we waiting for?      Are you really 100% sure?      I really think you are the one..........   but I have to let go.......................................

I just want to move on

I want something different.  I don't want these same thoughts continuing to consume my thoughts.  She texted me the other day  "Congratulations"  Thanks.  Thanks for rekindling the feeling of death I so dearly missed.

Do you really just miss me as a friend?  Is that it?  Is that all I was to you?
I feel like that isn't the case (or at least that is what I hope).  I want to think that you really do miss me as a boyfriend and you still want to be with me, but for some reason you don't want to admit it.  But I guess I will only be able to find out if you let me know.  So my options are to wait and bleed out, or to give up on you and attempt to move on.  Obviously, I don't want to move on, because I still love you, but I have no choice.  You have made it clear once again that you "are 100% sure you don't want to be with me."  So, separation it shall be...for good.  You are gone.  Dead.  You are out of my life.  You don't exist.  No doubt, I will continue to think of you daily, but your physical existence in my life is done.  I have to give up on you.

It is going to continue to be so tough to move on, when the fact is that whenever I have a free moment it goes directly to thoughts of you.  I am pushing myself towards God, but He just isn't the same.  I miss the feeling of texting someone often.  The hug and embrace.  The assurance and confidence.  A best friend.  And a significant other.  But you are dead.                      same old, same old               but the pain doesn't leave

God, why am I not content in you?  What are your plans for me?  I feel so distant from you, and yet I hear that you are capable of fulfilling me more than a girl ever could.  So far that hasn't been the case.
Should I be staying in Dayton?  I say that I want something different, and yet Dayton will be the same.  I love and need the support, but going away from Dayton would remind me less of you.  But then again, if I move away, I may have a ton more free time to think of you and drown myself in self-pity.

As always:  God, show yourself to me.  Rid me of this pain.  Complete me in You.

Still in my head

I feel like I always journal about the same thing: crap with the ex...(so weird saying ex...), but that is what continues to consume my thoughts.

My life is pretty much made up of these things:
   1. getting over her
   2. trying to pursue God
   3. trying to figure out my future (what I want to do and what I'm going to do)
   4. other misc things (school, social interactions, sports, music, etc.)

The fact is, she still continues to be the #1 thing I think about (depending on the day, I suppose).  I do feel like I am thinking about her less, but if I am not busy my brain goes to her (this is what is happening now).  Is is healthy for me to busy myself so that I don't have the down time to think about her?  I have been  trying to fill my life with being obedient and pursuing God, but I have not felt the completion (or the movement towards completion) I desire.  I know that I never will feel 100% completion...esta impossible.  Pero, quierolo.  Comprendes?  (I wish I still took Spanish.  Suede, help me with this...).  [scatter brained much?]

Can I sincerely let go of you?  I think about how you surely have moved on.  When we talked last, it sounded like you had already moved on, that thinking about me wasn't a problem for you.  I suppose you have found the "surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus your Lord".... I have not found that.  When I think about how it seems like you have moved on past me, it makes me think that I have to move on to, and that I can.  But the hope of a life with you still glimmers in the darkness of my heart.  Why can't that glimmer be extinguished?  Do I sincerely love you, or can I just not let go of the "easiness" and familiarity of a life with you?  Farts!!!!

So I consistently have had this tension (since day one of break up) that I can't figure out if I really do love you, or if I just want to be with you because it would be easy...  I suppose it's a bad sign that I can't determine if it's true love....farts.  But seriously!  How can I move on if I am unsure if I should obsessively pursue you or forget about you?  That is what is holding me back, I think...

But when I do think about how you have probably moved on, my heart/stomach/morale/faith/soul drop...  It's hard for me to think about you and think that you have forgotten about me.  I don't want you to forget about me!  I want to be yours!  Can your mind be changed without me planting thoughts

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I kind of want God, but potentially, in reality, my motives are selfish (completion, assurance, happiness).  But I still feel like I don't understand or appreciate God (and his gifts/love) to the extent in which I will be able to sincerely want Him (instead of his gifts).  I should want God primarily, not his gifts.  I should want Him, in part, because of His gifts, but primarily just because of who He is (right?).  But the reality is that I don't.

Sometimes I really feel like I am pursuing Christian faith completely blindly.  I tell myself that I am being obedient...but I'm essentially pursuing God blindly.  I suppose that is the definition of faith, but I suppose my "humanness" still desires proof, explanation, assurance...something to know that I am not crazy!  Sometimes I think I feel you, God, but most of the time I don't feel you.  My faith is in my head, not my heart.  I don't really communicate with you.  Communication with an omniscient, omnipotent, eternal being is awkward...How does it work?

I desire to pursue God intellectually, but the motivation for this is selfish...I desire to know more for myself, to be smarter, to talk smarter, etc.  I don't sincerely want to know more about God, especially not for His glory.

How can I change?  How can these fundamental faults possibly change within me?  I can't do it.  My doubts and hesitancy consume me.

Skin

I hate how the flesh has a control over me still.  The body consumes me.  Why is this?  Can I not see and pursue greater things that this?

Journaly thoughts

Jake and I talked about how I need to get closure to my relationship with her:
     Part of me thinks I need to just force myself to move on and let go of the thought of the possibility of us getting together, because I look at myself, my life, and my relationship with God, and I see the fact that I need to grow a lot.  But I also can't help but think that I still love her.  I don't want to move on.  I want to spend my life with her.  I get mad at God and others when they are happy in their relationships.  I don't have that anymore, and I want it.  But I don't want it with another person.  I want it with her.
--Have you closed the door to "us"?  Is there no hope for us?  Am I just beating myself up by continuing to hold on to this hope?  Or are you thinking the same way that I am?



I read this today.  Makes me think that God is trying to tell me that she made the right decision in ending our relationship, even though it hurt (and continues to hurt) me a lot.  She followed what she thought God's will was/is.  I am the one who doesn't love Him as much, so it hurt me more.  My plans were upset.

From "WHAT MY OBEDIENCE TO GOD COSTS OTHER PEOPLE" by Oswald Chambers

     If we obey God it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the sting comes in. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything, it is a delight, but it costs those who do not love Him a good deal. If we obey God it will mean that other people's plans are upset, and they will gibe us with it - "You call this Christianity?" We can prevent the suffering; but if we are going to obey God, we must not prevent it, we must let the cost be paid.

     Our human pride entrenches itself on this point, and we say - I will never accept anything from anyone. We shall have to, or disobey God. We have no right to expect to be in any other relation than our Lord Himself was in (see Luke 8:2-3).

     Stagnation in spiritual life comes when we say we will bear the whole thing ourselves. We cannot. We are so involved in the universal purposes of God that immediately we obey God, others are affected. Are we going to remain loyal in our obedience to God and go through the humiliation of refusing to be independent, or are we going to take the other line and say - I will not cost other people suffering? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but we shall be a grief to our Lord. Whereas if we obey God, He will look after those who have been pressed into the consequences of our obedience. We have simply to obey and to leave all consequences with Him.

     Beware of the inclination to dictate to God as to what you will allow to happen if you obey Him.

I am angry and bitter at God for putting me through all this, when I still think that I know best...

I cannot deny the feeling within me that God is there, and He cares.  I must move on that feeling

Core lies

Paul spoke of core lies that we all have or that we all believe.  How these can be sources of sin and doubt in our lives.  What are my core lies?

Alone

God, where are you? I feel so alone. So broken. I just want to die. I am so bitter. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to put any effort forth. I just want to crawl into my bed and die. What do you want from me? Where am I going? What plans do you have for me? What the hell am I doing with my life? Am I doing this all wrong? Why can't I feel you? Why can't I see you or hear you? Where are you to swoop down and save the day?

Why does this crush me so much? Why can't I move on? Why am I holding myself back? Is this in your plans? What's the good of all this? I've tried so hard to keep a positive attitude, to give you the benefit of the doubt, and to be obedient to you. I thought my heart was changing, but what I feel now is nothing near you. Show yourself! All powerful? All knowing? Loving? Where? How?

Hmmm...maybe more thoughts about relationships?

I can't not think about her and about the relationship that slipped through my hands.  And I think that is my problem.  I idealized (and still idealize) our relationship.  I definitely put it before God.  I still think of the possibility of a relationship with her as some "perfect existence," even though I know it would be nothing near that.  I still feel like I am called to be in a marriage relationship, but how do I get past my 'idol" of a relationship with her?  How can I date another girl when I still am holding on to thoughts about her?
I hold on to the thought that we were/are right for each other, that we will get back together.  But then again, I think back to our relationship, and I remember, "She doesn't trust me" and "She just doesn't love me for who I am."  Two things I definitely desire in a significant other.  But then again, I gave her reasons not trust me...and maybe I am wrong in saying that she doesn't love me for me.  So I have this constant and consistent tension of thoughts that we are meant to be versus we are not meant to be.  I hope that my feelings of wanting to be with her are rooted in my desire to be loved and accepted, but it's hard for me to think it's just that; I still can't deny there exists a belief within me that we are supposed to be together, even now.  How can I let go of this?  How can I move on when there is still that hesitation?  When I am still holding on to the hope of a future with her?

Something's gotta give

Reality is that we can't be together.  And yet the reality is that I still love you...  What's gonna give?

Love Hurts (~10/15)

All good things must come to an end, I guess. It's still really hard for me to accept that we shouldn't be together. Yesterday reiterated that to me. We both love each other. We have lots of fun together. It was such a joy spending that time with her. I haven't had that much fun just reconnecting like that. We are best friends who just have to separate I guess.

It's going to be really difficult for me to let go of her and not blame misled for 'not being good enough' for her. I feel like all I am going to think about is the fact that she was too good for me. I feel like I am going to compare any future relationship I have with my relationship with her. She is the girlfriend/wife I just wasn't good enough to get... I feel like I wasn't 'holy' enough for her. I feel like my relationship with God wasn't good enough for her standards. I feel like I've let the girl of my dreams slip through my hands. She is so loving, and she has such great direction in her relationship with God.
Do I think she is being selfish in her thoughts that if we got together she wouldn't be able to grow?

We talked about how the timing of our relationship just wasn't right. Our relationship was a college relationship. We peaked early on and staggered along after that. Our relationship want the best. She wants the best. She doesn't want to 'settle' for a relationship that isn't the best (now you see why it will be easy for me to beat myself up over not being good enough). We connected during our relationship because we were in the same place in life. But we have grown apart. We are not now where we were then. We are different people now. She needs someone 'different' than me. She says I am a great guy, but that she doesn't think that I can be the support she needs. She thinks back to our relationship and she can't trust me to love and cherish her because I didn't do so in the past.

Do you think it's unhealthy for me to hold on to the feeling that I think God has made her and I "meant to be?"

You have to be bigger than this

God, I am still utterly consumed by thoughts of her.  I can't help but think that the girl of my dreams has walked out of my life.  I've messed up my opportunity to be with her.  I can't help but think there can't be another person out there who is better than her.  She was so great!  (Or am I just convincing myself this?)  God, it's so saddening and discouraging.  My heart's desire was to be with her (even though my motives were/are not pure).  How can I let go of that?  It's so difficult for me to believe that my relationship with You can be better than my relationship with her.  She was physical and present.  You are mystical and distant.  I don't know how I can trust you.  My stomach wrenches with these thoughts.  Tears form in my eyes.  I just want to love and to be loved.  How can your love complete me, God?  I don't feel it; I don't see it.  I know that a relationship with another human would not complete me.  Another person's love would inevitably be imperfect, and therefore I would not find completion in it, but at least the love of another person is tangible.  It can be felt, seen, touched, experienced....I still desire to be with her, even though I know I can't.  I still want to text her and ask, "Are you sure?"  I want her to take me back.  I know it's not healthy.  I know I am not dependent on God for my meaning, purpose, motivation, etc. and therefore I shouldn't be in a relationship.  But God, it just seems so wrong!  I want to be with her more than anything else.  I know that's not good.  I know I should want to glorify God more than anything.  But the truth is that I don't.  My heart just isn't there.  I want to be with her.

God, how can I get over myself and my desires and my plans to simply kneel at your feet?  Why can't I just give up?  Why do I continue to hold on to anything I can so that I don't have to give up everything?  Why can I not accept what you want for me?

What should I do with my life?  Should I really go the grad school option?  Is that what you want for me, or is this just me trying to convince myself that it's your plans?  Should I fundraise like I don't want to, because you want me to?  More than anything, I don't want to live like I have been anymore.  I want to trust in you.  I want to give you my all.  I can't live in mediocre faith anymore.  I want to dedicate my all to you.  I give everything to you.  F*** my past relationship with her.  I am done with that.  You are better.  You are my core motivation and purpose.  You complete me.  You love me when I don't deserve it.  I am an adopted son, in whom you are well pleased.  No matter how many times I turn my back on you, you take me back.  You love me with an everlasting love that I cannot be separated from.  You give and give and give.  Your grace abounds in my life in ways I will never understand.  Teach me these truths, God.  Write them on my heart.  Change me to focus on you and you alone.  I have doubts, but I will be obedient to you, and give you the benefit of the doubt.  I will trust in you first of all.  I don't care where I end up, what comes of my life, I just want to glorify you!  God, take me.  I don't care anymore.  You are my Father.  I am found in you, and you alone.  You are the spring of living water that satisfies.  You alone satisfy.  Make me content in you.  You are my Father.  You love me.  And I love you

The End

It's over.  We are done for good.  It was a great relationship.  I grew tons, and I hope you did too.  To this day I still don't completely understand it, but I have to trust you and God that this really is best.  I still love you, and it's gonna take some time for me to not love you, but I will move on.  I have no choice.  It was a good ending, I suppose.  I am glad that we were able to provide closure to our relationship face-to-face rather than over the phone or via text.  The end wasn't necessarily mutual (as I have expressed for months now), but we were on the same page.  I understood/understand your thought process, and I respect it.  But that doesn't make it less hard for me to accept, and it doesn't make it any less painful.  I see you as an amazing woman of God, and it's hard for me to trust God enough to think that I will ever meet someone better than you (or just better for me).  And like I said, it's very difficult for me not to beat myself up when you express that you feel like you just need someone "different."  How am I not supposed to think that I am just not good enough for you?  But anyway, it was a good relationship.  I believed I experienced much joy and maturity.  I learnt a lot about myself, about relationships, and about God.  I hope you grew too; I think you did, but obviously not enough towards the end of our relationship...sorry, I am reacting bitterly.

It was great spending that time with you.  It was like old times.  We felt like friends again, like bf and gf.  But now that I think about my stomach wrenches in a knot because I know that it will never be like that again.  WHY?  God, I don't understand!  I love this girl!  She is the desire of my heart, and you promise that you will grant us the desire of our heart!  Why can't it be?!  We shouldn't have hung out like that....it makes me so mad, because it just seems so right for us to be together...

I know you know best, God.  It's just so hard to accept and to trust you.  We shouldn't have hung out like that.  It only replanted the roots we have in each other's hearts, and then we had to rip them out and slice them again.  So now I am forced to forget about you.  To forget about the girl I love.  Forget about the relationship that I thought would be the only relationship I would ever experience.  I was ready to commit my all to you...dang.  I was wrong.

God, I was planning out my life.  I was trying to plan out my successful future.  I obviously don't know best, because I messed up (as I have over and over again).  But how can I trust you that you know best when you are so far away?

And this break up digs at my flesh even more because of that connection...  I don't want to know!  Don't keep me involved.  If it is God's will, then so be it.  I don't care.  You don't need my permission; I don't want to know.  Just go for it behind my back.  You are obviously "different" than me.  I just want to break the ties........

I am a control freak, I know this.  But I still think I had the right to know.  Was it better not to tell me?

Journaling over the weekend

Do I believe we are "meant to be?"
     I don't know if I can know that for certain.  All I know is that I love you and I want to share my life with you.  I have never loved anyone as much as you, and I don't feel like I ever could love anyone as much as I love you.  My heart...my existence feels incomplete apart from you.  Put simply:  I love you and I want to be with you.

Do I believe I could marry you?
     Yes, there is no doubt in my mind.  Don't get me wrong, marriage is scary  to think about, but I am ready to commit everything to you.

Do I believe God can change me into the spiritual leader that I am supposed to be as a male?
     I think I am beginning to realize that I cannot become a spiritual leader on my own power.  I have tried by my own strength for too long.  I have to somehow trust God and give up the reins of my life.  He can change me, and He is changing me now.  I don't have this figured out, I don't know how to trust God completely, but I know I don't have control and I can't do it on my own, so I have to change something.  I have to put my trust in something bigger than me.


I feel like I am beginning to trust God enough to resort to praying to Him.  It still seems pretty distant, disconnected, and one-sided, but something about it feels right.  It's relieving to admit how fallen and hopeless I am, and to recognize that I need to depend on something bigger than me.

God, you must be present listening to me.  What am I apart from being defined by You, my Maker?  I know nothing, I have nothing, You are everything.  I did not choose existence, I did not choose birth, life, my parents, etc.  You must have an ever-present hand in my life.  You must orchestrate.  You must care.  But how can you continue to care when I am so careless?  How can you be present when I am so distant?  Why do you save me?  Why do you care?  I do not deserve it

Should I be patient with her?  Should I wait longer to pursue her again?  I feel like we are supposed to be together, but does she need more time?  Do I need more time?


I told her I would wait for her to initiate, but I sincerely desire to be with her now/soon.  Do I wait, or do I throw myself out there at her feet, humbly, hopefully with the right intentions?

Maybe she really doesn't want to get back together...  I mean, she hasn't contacted me.  Maybe she has moved on.  Maybe she is content being single, and wants to stay that way for a while.  Maybe she has found someone else (?!).  Or maybe she has found the comfort and completion in Christ she was searching for.  Maybe she doesn't want (to be with) me anymore.  She may not need/want me.  Maybe.......   But I think it's worth it for me to lay my heart out there one last time:  to be accepted or crushed.  It's worth the risk.  She is worth it.

When we broke up, she still loved me.  Maybe just emotionally attached, but I have to try!  Yes, it will cause us both more pain, but if the letter resolves all of this, it's most definitely worth it.  She's worth it. I must put myself out there one last time.  I love her

Do I believe that I need to depend completely upon God for the ability to love God and to turn myself toward God?

Do I sincerely believe these things?

Will you ever find someone who loves you more than I do?

     Not to sound pompous, but no, I don't think there can be another person that could love you more than I do.  I think back to the good times between us, I think of the intimate conversations and lasting memories:  no one can love you more than I can.  My heart is your's.  I will love you with my everything: my heart, my soul, my existence...  I will give up everything for you.  I don't care about my future apart from life with you.

How can I say that there isn't another person out there that would love you as much as I do considering the two times in our relationship that I broke up with you?
     I can't give you factual evidence.  I can't prove it to you unless you give me another chance.  I believe with my whole heart that I can be the person who loves you more than any other person, but you have to trust me.  If you don't believe me, or don't believe that I can be that person, then it doesn't matter what I think or believe.  I can't be the person who loves you the most if I don't have the opportunity to love you.

Will you ever find someone who treats you better or takes care of you better than I would?

     No, there cannot possibly be someone that would treat you better.  In the past, my treatment of you has wavered, I know that...I am human.  There have been definite times that I have not appreciated you and our relationship.  There have been times that I have been selfish.  There have been times that I really needed to take a step back and mature.  But all-in-all, I don't think someone can care for you more than I do.  You have my heart.  I will cherish and honor you with everything I am.  I will protect you and serve you to the death of me.

Will youever find someone who will seeks God more than I do?

     Once again, no.  I will gladly admit that my pursuit of God has been different than the next person's.  I don't have a perfect track record.  I have drifted apart from Him, and I will continue to turn my back on Him in the future, it is inevitable. But I will continue to pursue God with my whole heart for the rest of my life.  There is no greater calling; pursuing God is life.  He gave me everything, so it is only fitting that I give him everything.

Do I truly believe I am best for you?

     Two months ago, no.  Now, yes.  I am still not whole (and I never will be).  If you expect a significant other that is complete and perfect, than good luck, because you will be searching forever.  But if you want to be with another person who will day in and day out search for God, how we are supposed to connect with Him, how we are supposed to communicate with Him, how we are supposed to worship Him, and how we are supposed to lay down our lives and give up everything for Him, than I believe I can be that man.  I believe I can be the support that you need in all aspects of your life; emotional, mental, physical, spiritual.  I want nothing more than to be with you through all experiences of life, good and bad.

Do I believe we are supposed to be together?

     I don't know if I can say we are supposed to be together.  I desire to be with you, and I think that I could very well marry you, but I can't forsee the future.  I don't know if you will choose me as I have chosen you.  I would like to think we are supposed to be together though.

I say these things, but if you don't believe me, then I am wasting our time.  We are not meant to be.  That is ok.

"Most men spend a lifetime trying to pick up a conquest;  few are committed to orchestrating a relationship blended with God."

Lost in the swarm

Am I forgetting about you?  Am I moving on?  Does love diffuse?  Is the tie between us dissipating?  Is my love for you disappearing?  Is this what you want?  You want me to think less about you and more about God?  When I think about you, my heart drops at the loss of our friendship...but I am thinking about you less...

When I do think about you and the loss of our friendship, my heart sinks.  Do I still love you?  Or do I just miss the comfort of a relationship?  It's just so hard for me to think of me moving on in life without you.  I mean, yeah, I've been alright these last couple of months without you, but you were such an integral part of my life the last 3 years.  I don't want to live my life without you (I think)  Do you feel the same?  Deep down, do you still love me and want to be with me?  What do I know?!  What do I even think?  What do I want out of this life

Do I really believe Courtney and I are supposed to be together?
Do I believe she can be the person I am going to marry?
How can I know for sure?  How can I be certain?  I can't deny that I still have feelings for her, but I can't continue to pursue her with 100% assurance that we are "right for each other."  I don't freaking know!  How can I know?

Courtney:  can't we just talk about this?

Augustine

So I'm taking a Religious Studies course (that's what UD calls their theology courses for some reason) this semester on St. Augustine.  I was hesitant at first for two reasons:  1.  I don't know anything about Augustine and  2.  It's a 400 level course, so I figured there would be lots of reading and papers involved, and those definitely aren't my forte.

At the first class I felt quite out of place.  Not because I felt "below the curve" or anything, for most students taking the course had no prior study of Augustine either.  But I felt out of place because I was the only guy.  Being an engineering major, I am NEVER the only guy.  Usually it's like 80-90% guys.  So, I was initially very reserved and hesitant to jump into the class participation.  But as time has progressed, I have become more comfortable and willing to contribute.  The other students taking the class are all well studied in theology and most contributions are noteworthy.

To the main point:  so far, I LOVE Augustine.  We are currently reading his autobiography/confession to God of his faith journey until age 43.  Even though it was written ~1600 years ago, it's frigging sweet!  I have really enjoyed reading his story, and I have related with a lot of what he went through and what he wrote about.

The first thing that I related to was when Augustine wrote about the death of a close friend.  He expressed how his life was intertwined with his friend (he goes unnamed) and that it hurt to takes those "roots" out of his life.  His friend was established as part of his foundation for life, and it really hurt Augustine to lose him.  Obviously, I relate this to my semi-recent loss of MCM.  She hasn't died, but she has figuratively died to me.  I feel the same pain and suffering as I continue to pull the roots of our friendship out of my foundation for life.

I also really related with his doubts/questions about Christianity and life in general.  He is a stubborn intellectual, and he doesn't just accept things blindly.  He questions God's characteristics, he questions his motivation, his thought process, everything.  And the things he questions are thing I have also spent some time pondering.  Things like:  the problem of evil, God's "essence", and how free will works.  He admits that his will to do the opposite of what God's will, and that is holding him back in his faith.  It's not some outside force or problem, but it's himself holding himself back in his faith.  He, in his heart, isn't ready to take the "leap to faith."

Below is an excerpt from Confessions.  Augustine writes this in reflection of his mother's death.  I relate it in that I feel like MCM died out of my life.
     Why then did I suffer sharp pains of inward grief?  It must have been the fresh wound caused by the break in the habit formed by our living together (or for me, spending a lot of time with her), a very affectionate and precious bond suddenly torn apart...  How that I had lost the immense support she gave, my soul was wounded, and my life as it were torn to pieces, since my life and hers had become a single thing...  And because it caused my such sharp displeasure to see how much power these human frailties had over me, though they are a necessary part of the order we have to endure and are the lot of the human condition, there was another pain to put on top of me grief, and I was tortured by a twofold sadness.


My idea of the "massiveness" of God has really been changed because of reading Augustine's Confessions.  I have always "known" that God is huge, and that he is a "spiritual" being (whatever that means), but Augustine really helped me to understand that God isn't made up of physical matter.  He is bigger than that.  He is outside our mind's framework of understanding of existence.  Our world isn't a sponge and he is the sea that encapsulates us.  I feel like no material illustration can grasp who God is and how he must interact with our world.  He is always present, but not physically.  He is right here he with us, but not spatially close at all.  He is bigger than the physical parameters that we feeble humans think he has to have.  He cannot fit into our box. He is bigger than our mind can possibly understand.

We also talked about time, and how it relates to us and God.  It is an awesome thing to ponder, in my opinion.  The concept that God is outside of time, and just IS, well, is crazy!  He is, or as he says, "I AM."  He is just as present now as he was when I was on a "spiritual high," or when Jesus died, or Hitler ran the show.  He was, is, and always will be.  He is present in every moment of my life to the same personal degree, and he does that for each person in the world, that has every lived!  He is that big.  He has to care...

What do I really want?

What do I really want?  What, at my deepest, do I desire?  What am I made for?  What will make me complete?  Am I still seeking completion in a significant other?
At the same time, how can I not look to others for aid in this world?  How can I not desire to have a significant other who is tangible and close?  I know that God can always be trusted and is always there, but I also think that He gave us the opportunity to share our lives with another for a reason.  He gave us this opportunity to get an idea of what a relationship with Him is supposed to be like, ideally.  He knows we are weak (I most definitely am) and we need aid to get us through.  I need another person to share this life with (I think).
Or is this just me making an excuse so I don't have to rely on God?

And what about my future?  Do I just want to continue to follow the path that society lays before me?  Or do I want to take a step back and ask myself sincerely, "What do you want to do with your life?"  I don't want to just pursue and acquire a job, because that is what I am supposed to do next with my life.  Kodak is the example for me to not just get a job.  I want to do something I enjoy.  I don't care about money; I don't care about location (well, maybe I do).  I want something I am passionate about.  I want to enjoy going to work.  I want to look forward to going to work.  I don't want to dread it; I don't want it to painful day in, and day out.

Distance

Don't think that just because I'm not crawling at your doorstep that I don't love you, because that isn't true. I'm trying to love you by letting you go. And I'm terrible at it

How can I possibly let go of the hope for us? You were my best friend, and at the time, my foundation.

Part of me wants to curse you, rub your face in the dirt, and make it known how big of a mistake you've made. And another part of me wants to praise you for loving me more than anyone ever has. Praise you for trusting, because I can't trust.

It's been a month. The pain is no less intense. Day in and day out my thoughts are nothing less than consumed by you. How can I get you out of my head and my hope?

Is this really it? Our relationship, our friendship, it's over? It's seems so surreal. So fake. This isn't reality. It can't be. I must be sleeping, dreaming, something.... How can I wake up? Who will wake me up? I surely can't do it by my own power or will. When will this dream of despondency end!?

Please.......PLEASE, be bigger than I can know

And yet, she deserves better

Through her I seek completion, and yet I know she can't possibly provide it for me. Wretched man I am. Who will save me from my self-made prison?

I just want love

Future

     What do I actually want to do with my life?  Like seriously?  I think I know what I am "supposed" to do?  Or what I 'should' do, but what do I actually want to do?  What do I want to do with my future?

     Do I want to go to grad school for sustainability stuff?

     Do I want to do a year of service?

     Do I want to just a get a job?

     Do I want to dedicate my life to pursuing her?

     Do I want to pursue theology or philosophy?

     Or should I just take some time off, live with the rents, and figure out what the frick is going on?

Road of life

     How can this be right, when it feels so wrong?  So dark, so distant, no light in the night sky.  Everything is without definition.  Everything is blurry, without set boundaries.  It all flies by without any landmarks, without anything worthy to stop to see the sights.  There aren't lines.  There isn't a direction.  No arrows, no indications of the way home.  Where's the road when you need it?  No headlights.  No stop signs.  No map to show the way.  We're on our own.  There isn't anyone along on the ride to help us stay awake.  No one to talk to.  No one to pass the time with.  Monotonous exit after exit, leading no where.  Who will caravan with me through the road ahead?  Through the daunting unknown.

     Where can I turn?  Will you take my hand?  Will you take the wheel?  Will you take control once more?  Can I let you?

     Nope; not just yet.  How can I trust you?

I think about life without her, and I know in my head that I will be fine, but my heart can't help but admit I desire nothing more than to be with her. Tension

My attempt to be "creative"

I was like a winter's cold to her, the beautiful flower; I was hindering her inner nature: to bloom for you. Without knowing it, I tried to kill her, and indirectly you, but failed. Thank you for making me fail

Holding on. Self pity

I'm just supposed to forget about you?! Forget about the fact that I have shared my deepest, most intimate being with you for the last 2.5 years of my life? Forget about my closest friend?
How can I possibly be expected to do that?

Journal Entry - 8/11/2010

     I haven't been able to journal as much lately, or at least I haven't chosen to do so.  Sad face.  It does help me to journal.  It gives me a way to keep track of my thoughts/feelings, so that I can better process what I am going through and hopefully grow through/from it.  The student supervisor job is taking a lot of my time during these first two weeks of training.  Plus I have actual desk shifts alongside of training (that is why I am awake now).  Thankfully, because I have a semi-consistent schedule from training, I have been able to discipline myself to get up early in the morning so that I can get some time reading the Bible to start my day.  On that note:  why do I struggle to persuade myself to read the Bible daily, when during or after reading the Bible, I am so encouraged and uplifted?  Why is it a daily struggle for me to open it up when I see the benefits every time?  Is it because it takes thought and effort, and it's just easier to zone out?  I don't understand myself...  I hope to continue to stay disciplined into the school year with getting daily "T in da W."

     I wonder how much time will have to pass until there is a day (or maybe I should start with an hour) that I don't think about MCM and our lost relationship...  Because that is what it's like now.  An hour doesn't pass without something reminding me of her, or me just thinking about her.  Where does the balance lay (lie?...stupid English) between thinking about her, mourning, etc. (which I think is healthy and normal to an extent), and moving on, forgetting about her, or just busying myself so that I don't think about her?  Should I not take time by myself to sulk?  Is it unhealthy to have self-pity at this time?

     Where are you?  How are you doing?  I pray this breakup hasn't been as hard on you, as it has me.  I pray and hope that you are finding support in others, loved ones that you can count on, people that lead you to Christ in ways I obviously couldn't (and still can't).  I pray and hope that news aspects of your relationship with God are being revealed to you, and that you are trusting in Him as your source of life daily and the foundation of your life.  I pray that I can also come around to this someday.  I hope you are happy, amidst all the pain that has occurred for both of us this summer, and will surely continue for some time.  I pray that you can be content in trusting in God for your future, and I pray you can trust God to take care of me too.  I also hope to trust in God for my future.  I pray you get to know each "head" of the Trinity with deep intimacy, dependence, and confidence.  Put your "chips in" on God, not fellow humans.  God can be depended upon, I cannot be.

  How can a limited, imperfect mortal grasp eternal smoke and fire?  Why would said smoke and fire share itself with mortals?  How could a mere mortal possibly enter and then develop a "personal relationship" with smoke and fire?  Oh, limited capacities.....

Journal Entry - 8/6/2010

     How much do I sincerely consider and think about what is best for her?  I am always thinking about MYself, MY pain, MY future, MY struggles.  What about her?  She is going through a lot of pain as well (I mean, I think/hope she is...in a way).  The conclusion that she came to that we were not meant to be (at least for now) was extremely difficult for her.  It has caused and will most likely continue to cause her lots of pain too.  She is acting on what she thinks is right, and what she thinks is God's will.  How do I not respect that, even amidst all the pain?  If I truly love her, I will let her go.  She has chosen what she thinks is best for her, and what she thinks is best for me.  I need to respect that, and love her by letting her go.  If she truly loves me, and we are meant to be, we will get back together in the future.  But if we are not meant to be, then we will not get back together, and it will be best for both of us not to get back together.  I don't know exactly what "meant to be" means, but you get the point.

     There is someone out there for me.  If God has marriage planned in my life, then that special relationship will happen in due time, in God's time.  I have to trust that He has a plan for me in my life relationship wise in general-wise (?), and that that plan is best for me.  My plans fail, and are not best for me.  I have to TRUST.  I have to LET GO.  I need to let go of all my self-pity and dwelling in the past, and embrace the now.  There are plenty of reasons for me to have joy right now, and I need to embrace those and not let them slip by.  God has the burden of planning out my life, not me.  Take the weight off your shoulders.  The burden isn't yours to bear.  Embrace life in the now.





  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you...

   Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
     2 Corinthians 4:8-12,16-18

Journal Entry - 8/5/2010

                I love you, and you say you love me.  I don’t understand.  Why?!  Why can’t I be a part of your life?  I can see that I desire to be with you more than I desire to commune with God.  But how can I change that?  How can I let go of you?  How can I trust in God?  At my deepest I desire you, not God.  You give me hope.  You sustain my heart’s beat.  You are my everything right now...still after our break up.  How can I let go of you?  How can I let go of the hope of being with you?  I LOVE YOU!  It kills me to think of you, to hear about you, to hear from you, and yet be so distant.  How can I move on?  How can I let go?

                I know I am supposed to be pursuing God and making Him my foundation, but the truth is that He isn’t my foundation.  And I don’t know how to “make” Him my foundation.  Where is the balance of “letting go, and letting God” and “making” God my foundation.  God where are you in my life?  Where are you doing work in my life; where are you establishing yourself in my life; where are you changing me?

                I suppose at my core I desire a true, sincere, intimate relationship.  For the last 2.5 years I have been trying to get that from my relationship with MCM.  I have been trying to get this from my relationship with her, because the relationship is tangible.  My relationship with God (if it can be called a relationship) is shadowy, and not consistent at all.  My relationship with her was not that best, I know that.  We were both imperfect beings in an imperfect relationship, but it was much more real to me than my relationship with God has ever been (at least I think that now).  I can look back at the past of my “Christian walk,” and I can recall times where I think God was present, and I think I had a “relationship” with God, but I now I have no idea if I was just convincing myself it was God and just fooling myself into the comfort of Christianity.  So, I have been pursuing a relationship of intimacy, intentionality, and completion with MCM, when I should have been pursuing this relationship with God.  I can say that now, because I know it in my head, but I definitely don’t know it in my heart.  So, I need to pursue God for that completing relationship.  To feel whole.  But I have no idea how to do that, because God is so fridging distant.  Unlike my relationship with God, I could talk to MCM, I could see her, I could feel her, I could relate with her, I could interact with her, etc.  With God, I can talk to Him, I can read His Word....and that’s all I can think of.  How is that a relationship!?  How can I find myself in that?  How can I depend on that?  How can I found my life on that?

                I’ve already said it numerous times, and I’m sure I will say it many more times:  “WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?”

Journal Entry - 8/4/2010

     We text as if we barely know each other.  Our interactions are so limited, only business.  I HATE being so distant from you.  Everything I do, everything I see, and pretty much anything I have reminds me of you.  I think of you constantly.  I wonder how great the possibility is of us getting back together.  I wonder how you are doing, what is going on in your life, how you are coping with all this, how things are with your family, what your future plans are...  I hate not knowing how you are doing.  How am I supposed to just let this go?  I don't understand!!  We were best friends!  Why does it have to be like this?  I can't get you out of my life, out of my head.  Everything remind me of you, and of the pain I (and surely you) are feeling.  I just feel like escaping within myself, blocking out the world.  I don't know if there is anything I desire more than you, and that scares me.  I am supposed to be pursuing God and faith in Him, but I desire you.  I desire God with you.  I suppose this is unhealthy, but what do I know?!        It probably comes back to a control issue.  I want control.  I want to know you, and I want to know about you.  I want to be your "master" in a way.  I want control.  I want my self-made security.  I want assurance of the foundation of my future.  I don't want the unknown.  The unknown is scary.  Or at least I want to discover the unknown with you.  Hand-in-hand, no one leading, and no one following; both of us experiencing life together.  Is that so wrong??       Most likely, from a Christian perspective.  I need to be looking to and depending on God, not another human.  But a lot of times contemporary, typical Christianity frustrate me.  It's so easily accepted without question or thought.  Just follow the crowd, go through the motions, and believe because everyone else does and it's the right thing to do.  I will not go so quietly.  I cannot.  It's against my nature.  I will constantly question, analyze, and process.  I will not accept blindly.  I will pursue truth on my own, and peer as far into the depths as I must.  I know I will not be able to extrapolate or discover all answers to all questions, but I will always pursue answers.  Not to be disciplined to do so...

     I can continue to put on a front, or at least avoid thinking about you and life without you.  But don't be fooled I'm hurting, I feel like I'm already dead inside.  My heart seems to have stopped beating.

     Are you listening?  Are you there?  Where then?  I live out my daily life; am I just completely blind to your presence?  Are you really doing work?  Do you really care?  Why does your seemingly proactive nature completely escape me?  I have been and will most likely continue to pursue you, reach out to you, get angry with you, and question you, but I don't ever seem to get a response.  OPEN MY EYES

The Classic Crime - Salt in the Snow

Give me wings,

Give me peace.

These are the things that I need.

I'm tormented, broken and shamed

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

Give me shelter from the storm,

I know it's a lot to ask for,

Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

Are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold

will give way to summer's warmth

Oh no! Like salt in the snow

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

Is this where I am for your sake,

Stuck between sleep and awake?

My mind is dreaming of things.

Are you listening? (Are you listening)?

I took you for granted again

And threw you aside

And pretended for one minute that I had control of my life,

And direction it seemed to be in

I was wrong again, (I was wrong again),

are you listening?

I have heard that winter's cold

will give way to summer's warmth

Oh no! Like salt in the snow

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

I will wait for you to come again,

And I can't pretend like I'm confident

And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't.

I have heard that winter's cold,

Will give way to summer's warmth.

Oh no! Like salt in the snow,

I'm melted and left all alone on the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.

Journal Entry - 8/2/2010

     I feel so discouraged.  I feel lost.  I feel alone.  When I actually take time, sit, and think, all I can be is sad.  I hate being in a constant state of "depression," but at the same time I don't want to be fake.  This "depression" is where I am right now.  I am not happy.  I don't have a lot of hope.  I can avoid thinking about it, and then I'm fine, but I can't avoid thinking about it forever.  I have to process it and work/grow through it.

     It's so hard for me to comprehend.  Is this really how it is going to be?  Is this really how are relationship and friendship ends?  Nothing between us.  Just discontinuing conversing completely.  You know me!  You were my best friend!  You knew me better than anyone else.  I shared everything with you. How can this be?  I look back to my life at college, and it is surrounded around you.  You were my focus, you were my everything.  I just don't understand.  I really thought you were going to be my life partner.  The person I share the rest of my life with.  I wanted so bad to be the person you would confide in, the person you would continue to share your all with.

     So, do I just ignore this love I have for you?  Do I just bury my desire to be with you?  How can I be, when for the last 2.5 years my life has be intertwined with yours, coexisting?  It seems so difficult to move on, to just leave the feelings and memories of you behind.  You were such a core of my life the last couple of years.  I don't know how I can just move on.  It's seems impossible when my heart is still yours.  I don't get it.  Yeah, we had/have problems, individually and as a couple, but we can work through them!  We can overcome!  We can do it together.

     Being alone is no fun.  How is this best for me?  Where are you God?  I know these truths about you, but you seem to be distant.  I try to reach out to you, and nothing happens.  Maybe I need to try harder, but that just seems counterintuitive to the "Christian surrender."  Where are you?  I thought you were supposed to meet me where I am.  Well, I'm right here, hurting, and I don't see you, I don't feel you, I haven't experienced you in some time.  If you are present, then where?  These knowledge claims about you and your provision will only last so long.  Show yourself.  Or make me aware of your presence.

Journal Entry - 7/27/2010

             I feel extremely angry at her and yet I feel extremely sad to be apart from her. Part of me wants to be miles away from her and part of me desires to be right next to her, helping her and loving her through all this. I need to let go, and yet I shouldn't bottle my feelings or avoid thinking/processing the situation. I need to depend on God, and yet I need to "work out" my faith and my salvation. I need to find a balance. God, show yourself, show me

depth of me

some days are good days, some are bad.  today is bad.  i want to leave so much


“Hope in God, Bart. Hope in God. You will again praise him. This miserable emotion will pass. This season will pass. Don’t be downcast. Look to Jesus. The light will dawn.”


I feel physically dead because of all these emotions.  I feel like I'm going to vomit, I feel faint, I feel dead.

Journal Entry - 7/25/2010

     I haven’t felt like journaling lately.  Most of what I have felt lately is quite depressing.  I don’t desire to put effort forth.  I don’t desire to talk to anyone.  I just feel like shutting down; I don’t really want to be here at GMS anymore.  I mean I love my small group; they are a light in the darkness, but it just is so painful and depressing outside of time solely with them.  I just feel like wallowing in self pity, swimming in pain and grief, drowning, selfishly sulking, giving up...  I don’t know exactly what has caused this, although surely some of it can be credited to the definite break up and separation of Courtney and me.  My hope was in our relationship, and that hope has been destroyed.  Right after the break up I tried to run to God and convince myself that I can rely on Him and that I should put my hope in Him, but that I am just relying on my head knowledge of what my relationship with God is supposed to be like.  My heart isn’t there yet, and that is why I think I feel so depressed right now.  I don’t have a foundation.  I just want to get away.  I don’t want to have to see her everyday like I have been.  I try to keep everything together, and I can put up quite the front, but when I get time by myself, I re-realize how desperate for hope I am.  I know (some or most) God’s promises for me in my life, but I don’t believe them in my heart.  They don’t have any implications on my life.  I have been trying to convince myself of God’s reliability, but my heart just isn’t there.  And this next year scares me so much.  I had plans, God effed em up (well, he made me aware of the fact that they were my plans, and he has different plans for me).  I had assurance.  I had some stability; a false stability of a mediocre relationship with Courtney.  But in reality, I didn’t have much stability at all.  But anyway, now I have nothing.  I have one more semester at college, and I don’t have any close friends.  Don’t get me wrong, Steve and Byron are good guys, but I just don’t have the personal relationship with them like I had with Courtney and Riley.  Next year scares the crap out of me.  I have no clue what I am going to do after college.  This next semester is scary.  This next stage of life is scary.  I just thought I could rely on her for one stable part of my life.  I would continue to pursue her, and potentially make a lifelong relationship with her.  And that seemingly stable part of my life is gone.

            Courtney and I have had random conversations over the last couple of days, most of them just being logistical.  A couple things continue to tie us together as we leave this program:  she brought my bike here on her bike rack; we are heading the same direction for numerous hours, so she thought the idea of caravanning may be a good idea (although it will surely twist the dagger more); and she doesn’t really have a place to stay on the way back to split up her trip, so she is considering staying at my brother’s house on Saturday night with me.  This is so hard for me, because I want to be present for her to help her, but at the same time, if we are done, I know that any more time together is just making this process of separating our hearts more and more painful.  I don’t know what to do.  Should I just break ties completely and say, “Good riddance; I need to protect my heart.  You are on your own.”  Or should I reach out and help her?  I desire so much to help her, but I poisoning myself at the same time.

            And it’s so hard for me, because I know her, and I know she is going through so much pain while I am here.  I just want to relieve the pain for both of us by just disappearing.  I know her better than anyone else here, and I know that she is seeking unhealthy way of coping.  But no one else sees it.  What am I supposed to do?  If I reach out to her I feel like I am engaging our hearts, but if I don’t reach out to her, she will continue to hurt herself with these coping mechanisms that no one else in the program is aware of, only me.  What do I do in this situation?  Should I tell one of her teammates, or her mentor, or one of the other girl team leaders?  It’s hard for me to decide to do this, because I don’t know if they will understand the fullness of what she is going through and her history of this coping mechanism.  And of course, I want to be that person who supports her, not someone else.  I know her!  She is my best friend!  Not someone else’s; it’s not fair.  I want to be that person who she relies on.  I want to be the shoulder she cries on.  Or do I just let it go?  Do I trust God that he will take care of her and her dependence on this coping mechanism?  Do I let it go and cross my fingers?  Ultimately, I don’t trust God, and so I feel like I have to take it into my own hands, but I don’t know if that is the best idea.  It’s just not healthy for her to not tell anyone else about this, about what she is going through.  I think I am the only one who knows.  There is something definitely wrong about that.  Of all people here this summer to know about what she is going through, I do, and I don’t feel like I can act like I should to help her.  She is not well.  I’m scared for her.  I want to hold her and protect her.  I want to be in communication with her.  I want to know about her life; I want to be in her life.  I want to care for her.

            Jon sent out this; it hits home:  "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment."  Proverbs 18:1  This is so true for me.  I am isolating myself.  I just feel so turned off to this program as of late.  I want to move on.  I want to get out of here.

I just don’t want to be here anymore.  My heart is dead on the floor.  I am so turned off.  I hate coming back to Jeanne Mance.  I purposefully get up earlier in the morning so that I can leave earlier, so that my time at the dorm is shorter.  I am constantly alienating myself, and for that reason I feel infinitely distant from the rest of the group.  I don’t feel like I’m a part of the group, and frankly I don’t want to be.  This summer is pretty much filled with sad and angry emotions, and I just want to move on.  I’ve had enough of it.  God has done his work.  I have nothing.  So let me escape.  Let me leave.  WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME. GOD?  Why am I here still?  I don’t like this at all.  My heart is dead.  Rid me of this place, this pain.  All just bad memories.  So selfish, so destructive, so distant.  Why God?  Why did it have to be like this?  Why?!  I can see where you are teaching me to depend on you.  I see that.  But why still the pain.  Does it still have to be the tool you use to mold me?  Is there not another way?

How am I supposed to feel at home in this program?  I don’t want to share with everyone.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  I just don’t feel at home here, and I feel like we are leaving so soon, so I don’t want to share with anyone.  I just want to move on to the next stage of my life.  But should I be considering putting myself out there?  It’s so hard for me to think I should be sharing with these people when I’m not that close to 90% of them, and I’m only going to be here for 6 more days.  I just want to move on................  Let me leave.  Let me move on.    Help me to let go of the grasp (that I create) that her presence has on me.  Her presence consumes me.  I feel like I have nothing to give, because I am completely drained by her being here.  If this is the way it is going to be, then I just want her out of my life for some time.  I can’t handle being around her.  I don’t know if I cause this pain on myself, or if she is to blame, but regardless, it is awfully painful, and I want no more of it.  But I know I shouldn’t just desire the end of this pain.  I should desire God most, and then what God wants for me after that, pain and all.  God, help me to desire you and only you

Journal Entry - 7/23/2010

     What have I been feeling lately?  I haven’t been journaling, and I haven’t chosen to take time daily getting in the Bible.  It has been a gross last couple of days.  Like I am beginning to shut down because this program is almost over and the real world is approaching.  It’s as if I have been living in a dream world the last 8 weeks, and I am starting to prepare myself for the wake up process.  Part of me definitely feels like I need to prepare myself for the real world, because it is and will be much different than what has the daily life this summer.  Here in a week (well, 8 days) I will not have 50 other people around all the time.  I will not have a small group of 5 guys that I can confide in, share with, and depend on.  Yes, I know that I can always call them and stuff, but it just isn’t the same.  That’s life.  You attend a sweet summer program, you leave, and everyone makes the transition back to normal, day-to-day life.  It’s unfortunate.  I mean, part of me is really glad that this summer is almost over, but I also wish that I could continue to meet with my small group and have great, uplifting, deep conversations.  But I know that isn’t reality.  We will move on.  We will lose contact.